I'm Writing a Novel - Help!

[greatwh1teshark]

Hey Guys,

I've been recently asked if I could write a short story, at least 150 pages for a fiction novel set in medieval times, based upon the exploits of a young male and his gang of friends. It's to be for children and young adults between the ages of 5-16 and I'm going to be posting it on here as well so you can let me know what you think and see how it pans out and progresses.

At this time I have no main title of the novel, but the subtitle is: The Eye of Iris

The Chapters will be short and there will be illustrations.

So without further ado, here is Chapter 1:

CHAPTER I:
The Forgotten Storm

Centuries ago, back in the era of the Medieval ages, there existed civilizations unknown to the world of today. Wars broke out, sickness and diseases swept across the lands and many a famine had occurred. Most of the civilizations were wiped out completely, Erased & Forgotten for all of Eternity.
In the year of 1327, a tremendous disastrous happening took place, something far worse than never ending battles, illnesses and plagues, for this is the year of the Great Storm. Legends tell of a tale where the Great Storm, the storm that started from the ends of the Earth and spread out, casting its great shadows over the lands it engulfed.
Rain fell relentlessly from the darkened clouds as the Seas turned to Maelstroms, sinking & destroying all those who dared to set sail. Out of the Chaos that ensued, this wasn't the worst of it, for not only did it destroy and kill, it also stole.
The Great Storm disappeared as quickly as is appeared, after existing for two months, it was soon gone and the World was safe once more, for the storm never returned, but neither did the continent of Sancti.
During its reign, the ferocious tempest had taken over and stole Sancti from the globe. The rest of the world was left untouched and unharmed. As time progressed, all of the remaining civilizations had forgotten all about Sancti and the people of Sancti. As for the storm, all knowledge of it and documented evidence, vanished without a trace. As if something or someone had erased it from existence itself.
This was not the end of Sancti though, the Land that was home to the Proud people of Sancti, the farmers, the warriors and the Nobles, but they weren't the only presence of Life. The land was also home to Magnificent creatures, ferocious fiends and dangerous monsters. The Lands of Sancti continued to live on for the storm may have ripped it from our world, but it transported it to another.
There existed a Planet that was only water, no earth or land at all, it was just a field of Ocean, an Ocean void of Life. The Planet was called Oceania, it was the 10th planet in our Solar System and is positioned between Mercury and Mars. The planet of Oceania is the parallel equivalent of Earth. During its whole existence in our galaxy, the planet went undiscovered, completely unknown to the people of Earth.
In the year of the Great Storm, Sancti wasn't the only thing taken, for Oceania, a planet on the verge of total destruction, was also taken. Both had vanished in a blink of the eye and were transported to the very edge of the Universe. A place where time itself seems to be frozen and yet, thanks to a yellow sun much like the one in our Solar System, and a moon, much like the one that orbits the planet Earth, night and day were still able to occur.
Upon its new placement in the universe, Oceania sat proudly as the Great Storm gave the planet the greatest gift of all, it gave it the gift of Life. Sancti was placed in the watery planet, giving it both Life & Earth, but as the years progressed Sancti the continent, broke apart and new lands seemed to grow as the land divided into Realms.
More wars broke out as humanity fought off the monsters and each other before a time of peace had arrived. Peace went on to last for centuries as the Realms split up and divided up into Islands & Colonies before a second storm came along and threatened the peaceful existence of all the inhabitants of Oceania.
Where as the first storm had brought Life, the second one had brought with it Death, Death in the form of Shadows, beings of pure darkness that desires nothing more than the ultimate reign of terror, supreme power and a river of blood. One by one the Realms fell into the hands of the Dark Ones and they were so close to enslaving the whole planet, until a Clan of Warriors rose up against the Forces of Evil and eradicated them the the lands of Oceania.
The Dark Ones were no more, but a part of their evil lived on, now living in the hearts of Man & Monster. Tyrants would rise, accumulating power only to fall at the hands of the Watchers, the descendants of the warriors who had vanquished the Dark Ones.
The warriors feared evil would one day n rise again, so the Watchers were created, a Clan of Warriors to watch over the Realms and protect them. Over the centuries that went on, the Watchers continued to thrive & safeguard, forever keeping watch, waiting for the Darkness to rise once more, just so they can smite it once more.
The world has changed now and civilizations exist in the 23rd century, in the year of 2246 and yet they still lived in a Medieval era, over 900 years have passed and yet, their version of the Medieval times seemed to only have progressed 100 years. In this peaceful century there is an uprising, evil is on the rise once again, the Darkness was back and was infecting many. The plagues are back and it won't be long till wars are fought, for battles have already returned and lives are being ended by the steel blades of swords, as they cut down their victims on the battlefield.
It is now time for the Watchers to act, but due to the progression of time, the vigorous training and the selection processes, the Watchers have become a mere shadow of their former glory as now only a handful remain. This is the story of the young Warrior living on the Isle of Iris in the Mares Realm, this is the story of Zazh.

[greatwh1teshark]

For those of you who have read Chapter I, here is Chapter II:

CHAPTER II:
Message from the Sky

Dark clouds covered the sky as droplets of water fell hard and fast on the land below. The rain hit all on the land, soaking the six inch long blades of grass, normally a bright vibrant green in colour, but due to the dousing of water from above, the grass was dark as opposed to its usual bright colour. The grass covered over 50% percent of the Island's landmass, 2% percent was covered by sand that made up part of the beach and the beach itself made up 20% percent of the island, a huge mass of it concentrated to the eastern side of the Island. As for the rest of the Island, it's surface was laden with rocks, stones and boulders.
The Island itself is 1.5 miles long from it's western most point to its eastern point and is .8 miles wide from north to south. The Island used to be much larger and was originally shaped much like a human eye, but after decades of erosion and landslides, the Island's shape had changed dramatically and diminished in size, now it is shaped like a rectangle.
Most of the Island sits 100 metres above the surface of the sea, it's lowest point was the beach, which is connected to the rest of the Island by a rocky slope that starts at the beach and then slithers like a snake up the cliff-face to the rest of the Island.
The highest point on the whole Island that is none other than the Island of Iris, is the Watcher's Summit, an inactive & dormant volcano that sits squarely in the middle of the Island and at the very top, in the very centre of the crusted over volcano, is a wooden house, standing two stories high. The house was built centuries ago and was made out of wood that came from the trees grown on the Island.
On this darkened night, as the rain continued and the weather seemed to be getting worse, a lone figure stood out in the rain, wielding a sword as he slashed out at wooden targets that he had built. As he stood on top of the World, or at the very least, on top of the Island, 1900 metres above the Mares Sea, he was soaked, his violet coloured tunic & white tights clung tightly to his body. The man stood at a height of 5'9 and had greying black hair and a jet black goatee sitting on his chin, which is connected to his black bushy moustache.
The aged swordsman of Iris was the sole human inhabitant on the Island and it was not because he chose to live like this, but because Tradition & Protocol dictates a life of solitude, unless of course a child of worthy has made their way to the Island.
Taking another swing, the swordsman strikes his wooden man-shaped target again. The lone man if Iris was the Chosen Guardian of the Island and one of the last few remaining Watchers in modern times. For a long time he has served as the Iris Watchman, the most skilled Watchman in all of the Mares Realm. His duty was to discover and educate all future Guardians, teach them the Watcher's Code and train them into highly skilled warriors.
Swinging his weapon again, the Guardian of Iris was growing weary, not because he was feeling tired from four hours of arduous training, but because his age was soon catching up with him. He may have only looked like he was in his late forties, but in reality he was much older.
As much as he wished to stop, call it a night and go to sleep, the Guardian wouldn't allow himself to, instead he willed himself on as he continued to swing. He was cold, tired and hungry, but still he fought on, battling through his rumbling stomach, craving for anything to eat and his aching muscles, crying out for a break. This was the way of the Guardians, the Watcher's, even at their weakest or most tired state, they were required to give their best, always 100% percent and never 99% percent or anything less
This Guardian, a man who had taught so many, so used to being around people, having company, a social man, had spent the last 23 years in isolation, living alone without another person to talk to. His only friend during that time was a loyal and dutiful Raven, but on this rainy night, things are about to change.
Even with the sound of rain hitting the land and a sword striking wood repeatedly, the bearded warrior could still hear a single caw as a bird, off in the distance, made a sound. The skilled sword wielder paused in mid-swing and turned to his right, facing east.
âEUoeIzal! Is that You?âEU The Warrior had spoke in a strong powerful baritone voice. Deeply masculine and authoritative and yet, it was so full of wisdom from his years of being a Watcher.
âEUoeIzal?âEU He repeats, calling out to his feathered companion.
CAW!
The man turns again, this time facing north. This time he had definitely heard a bird calling out, he was positive his mind was not playing tricks on him.
âEUoeIzal, I can hear you my friend, where are you?âEU He calls out into the night, not hoping but knowing his winged friend could hear him.
CAW!
Again a bird had called out, but this time it was a lot closer for the animal had just landed beside it's Master.
âEUoeIzal! I'm so pleased to see you!âEU The swordsman exclaims, as he turns to face the black feathered, three foot high Raven and reaches out with his free hand to stroke his pet.
Izal the Raven enjoyed this display of affection from he's Master, it had been two years since they last saw each other.
The two of them had parted ways at the end of a special ceremony, just as the Code dictated. Izal's return could only mean one thing and one thing only.
âEUoeIzal, am I dreaming?âEU
CAW!
The Raven looks into the eyes of the Guardian before its eyes turn green, shining like emeralds as it begins to speak telepathically.
âEUoeNo Master Mako, you are not dreaming!âEU
Master Mako is stunned.
âEUoeYour return can only mean one thing!âEU Mako states.
âEUoeYes Master, there is a boy on Dead Man's Beach.âEU
Without another telepathic word said, the winged creature took flight, flying to the silvery moon, heading east.

[greatwh1teshark]

Here's Chapter III: Part 1:

CHAPTER III:
The Flight of Iris

As he watched his friend go, Mako's grip tightened on his steel forged Long sword and let loose an upwards diagonal strike, starting from his hip and ending with hands raised higher than his head before bringing it back down and depositing it into his two coloured sheath, resting on his left hip, connected to his black leather belt.
A flash of lightning lights up the sky, briefly illuminating Mako, who closes his eyes for a second. When he opens them, his almond coloured eyes burn with life before without warning, Mako starts to run.
Mako's steps are met with the sounds of the rocks beneath his feet, squishing & crunching. Nor the rain or the terrain would deter Mako from what he must do, so he maintained his page and continued running towards the easterly ledge. Upon reaching it, Mako leaped, sailing through the air, flying forwards 3 metres before he started to fall, landing on the sloping descent of the volcano, only seconds after.
Like every other time when Mako had made the leap and landed, he landed with both feet on the ground, one in front of the other and slid down the âEUoeMountain's Ramp.âEU
Being as high as it is, going down the ramp was the quickest way down the volcano, dangerous but quick.
Halfway down the slope, Mako couldn't help but let his mind drift off, losing it to the past as he thought about the number of lives the Island had claimed. Many a Guardian had lost their lives during training, fighting a war that soaked the Isle of Iris in blood, as the Watchers engaged ferocious beasts in battle. The Isle of Iris had seen a lot of action, many a bloodshed, but it had seen a lot of good too. Many a warrior had aspired to greatness, lived joyful lives and on some occurrences, they had even found love.
Master Mako had to regain his focus and fast, he was fast approaching the end, the base of the volcano. It was now time for him to act fast, any second now and he'll be at the base, he'll need to turn fast and hit the man made ramp. At his current speed he'll run straight into the Nogmal tress, a rare tree that only exists in the Mares Realm.
It is a fast growing tree, growing at a rate of 10 feet a year, but luckily it is a very reliable source of wood. Many a sword and shield had been made from Nogmal trees, as well as handles for farming implements, for houses, bridges and many other things. The wood from the tree is very strong, sturdy and never dampens in the rain or gets wet and therefore it never rotted. Nogmal wood literally lasted forever, especially when it was quite fire resistant, which is one of its more negative qualities.
In its natural form, Nogmal trees can grow to a full height of 238 feet, reaching its full height within 24 years. It grows to a width of 2 metres round in diameter and is a natural dark brown in colour. They grow out half as much as they grow up, their branches shooting out wherever they wanted to go. The tree is armed with many spiky thorns, ready to puncture any fool that would run into it, stabbing its prey to death, which is exactly the fate Mako had in store for himself if he didn't make the ramp.
Mako's reaction time was as perfect as it ever has been, he deviated to the ramp with no problems and used his current acceleration to charge up the wooden built ramp, made from Nogmal wood and leaped into the darkened sky. Unlike his earlier leap, this time he really took flight as all the extra momentum from his slide down the volcano aided him, taking him to world above the trees.
This was one of the things that made up a True Watcher, it doesn't matter what you are, a human, a wood elf, an ogre, a mermaid or any other being that had took on the trials of the Watchers and participated in the training. All of that and anything you have achieved or could achieve, it is all worthless. You could be a Watcher that has saved the world a countless number of times and it still would be insignificant if you couldn't abide by one of the Watcher's most important rule:

âEUoeTo be all You can Be! To Uphold all that is Good, a Watcher must learn to be great.âEU

There are many Good Watchers, but not many Great Watchers, they two are two different kinds of warriors. A Good Watcher is a Warrior with limitations, a mortal, but a Great Watcher was a True Guardian, a warrior who believes anything & everything is possible, therefore they can do anything & everything. One thing a Great Watcher is not however, is mortal. Unlike Good Watchers, Great Watchers are no mere mortals, for they are much more. They are the living embodiment of all that is good and a symbol of Hope, out of the two kinds of Watchers, Master Mako is the rarer kind, a True Guardian, a Great Watcher.
Still flying through the black sky, Mako began to drop, falling to the world once more. Only he did not fall and go splat on the ground, instead he had landed on a branch near the top of a Nogmal tree closest to him and leaped to another branch on a smaller tree before repeating the process, leaping from a bigger tree to a smaller one. Upon each one of his landings, the branches would shake and shiver, but never break, they remained intact as the bright green, rounded 3 cloved leaves drifted off, lazily floating to the surface below.
Mako continued to leap from tree to tree for the next 30 seconds, only to have to stop when he reached the end of the tree line, but he did not stop for long, instead he had only paused for a second before he hurled himself forwards, jumping from the last branch on the last tree and into the air for the last time.
From this point onwards, the only thing below Mako is Dead Man's Beach, the lowest point on the whole Island and out of all the beaches in the Mares Realm, Dead Man's Beach was also the worst. Only a small portion of it was sandy, the rest was littered with a vast amount of stones, millions of them making up most of the beach. Along with the many stones are large, sharp boulders ready to impale any fool who was foolish enough to fall from the top of the cliff. However Mako was no fool, as he fell, falling downwards on a forthcoming collision with a 3 by 5 metre boulder that would split Mako in half upon landing, but Mako would not land.

(Continued in another Post)

[greatwh1teshark]

Chapter III Continued:

As he fell, he pursed his lips and blew, releasing a shrill drawn out whistle that carried in the open night sky, through the rain and continued to carry until it reached its intended target, Mako's winged friend who was high up amongst the clouds. The moment it heard it's Master's summons, it dipped its head and commenced his dive.
Flying faster than a speeding bullet, Izal hurried to the beach where it could witness his trusted friend, falling to a beach where it could witness his trusted friend, falling to his potential death that would never come, for the faithful Rven swooped ever so close to the Guardian sensei, so that the Sensei Mako was able to reach out with a steady hand and clutched a single leg. The moment of contact, Mako's grip tightened dramatically on the avian's leg.
Even though it was one hand holding onto the one leg, Mako's strength secured him and prevented him from falling as his avian ally flew him to safety, not even struggling under the duress of the weighty load it now bore.
Izal flew Mako over towards the sandy area of the beach before Mako released his grip on his companion's leg and fell the 15 foot fall. He landed with a soft thud, landing on two solid feet, leaving him standing instead of being crouched down to absorb the impact.
The Journey from the house was at an end, out of all those who had undertook the journey known as the Flight of Iris, Mako was 1 out of 8 who had ever tried it and survived. It was also a journey in which had taken the lives of over 30 potential Watchers. Some where young students eager to prove themselves, where as others were more trained and all too full of themselves, believing themselves to be superior and no longer in need of any further skill development. Many had come and gone, but now Mako was the only one left, the last surviving Watcher to accomplish the Flight of Iris, the rest have all perished, a few from old age and the rest, they died with honour as they all met their end in battle.

That is all I have typed up so far, I'm writing the book via pen and paper and then am typing it up, I look forwards to hearing your reviews of what I've got so far.

[TrevorW]

So your chapters will be no more than 3 pages long? That seems to be more of an issue than a benefit.

[bonbon3272]

This short story has chapters? Sounds more like a chap-book than short story. What exactly is your story going to be about? I've written several novels and short stories, and I've helped critique multiple manuscripts (throughout different websites and over time). So maybe I can help you.

[Pirakaboss]

To me, the flow of your story seems good. The organization of the plot in their respective chapters are also in order. The main issue that I would like to address is this: This is aimed for children and young adults aged from 5-16, yes? This is very much suitable for those who are capable of compreheding this piece of work, but for children of such a tender age, certain terms or such may need some indirect description through the use of adjectives and such. I hope I have helped.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 1/2/13 04:14 AM, Pirakaboss wrote: To me, the flow of your story seems good. The organization of the plot in their respective chapters are also in order. The main issue that I would like to address is this: This is aimed for children and young adults aged from 5-16, yes? This is very much suitable for those who are capable of compreheding this piece of work, but for children of such a tender age, certain terms or such may need some indirect description through the use of adjectives and such. I hope I have helped.

You have been a great help I thank you for your time in reading this and the time it took to make your comment.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 1/2/13 02:16 AM, bonbon3272 wrote: This short story has chapters? Sounds more like a chap-book than short story. What exactly is your story going to be about? I've written several novels and short stories, and I've helped critique multiple manuscripts (throughout different websites and over time). So maybe I can help you.

The story is essentially the story of a young warrior who is raised on an island and a few years later when he is older and skilled with a blade, he is sent out into the world to engage on a quest to rid a source of raising darkness, evil beings and creatures that are on the rise and ready to take back the world. The Story, the Island of Iris, is to be the beginning short story of a continuing series.

The Chapters are short because they are broken down into A5 format and because each chapter are to have at least 2 to 3 pages of illustrations. Like a drawing of a Nogmal tree, the Isle of Iris and much more. Also becuase it is a book for the younger public as well as those slightly older, the chapters are to be kept short so the younger generation can keep up easily enough, not lose their page and such, but any and all help is great.

[Blue-SilverDragon]

You have something here worth working on. One thing I saw while looking it over: you use different systems of length measurement (meters and feet/inches). If possible, I'd try to use just one system or the other, unless you're deliberately showing a period of measure transition, which then would help explain the different measures. You also might want to develop your own system of measures, not just length. I also agree with Pirakaboss in that, with what you have presented, you might need to do some word play around certain subjects. I'd also recommend you think about how your story's past to help better explain the current story- develop additional material for the story, even if you don't use as much of the material that you develop in the actual tale itself.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 1/11/13 10:47 PM, Blue-SilverDragon wrote: You have something here worth working on. One thing I saw while looking it over: you use different systems of length measurement (meters and feet/inches). If possible, I'd try to use just one system or the other, unless you're deliberately showing a period of measure transition, which then would help explain the different measures.

You raise some very valid points about the measurement thing, and are quite right, also here is Chapter 4:

CHAPTER IV:
The Boy in the Basket

Standing on the beach, still soaked and yet unaffected by the cold, Mako allowed his eyes to scan the shore, searching for the child his trusted friend spoke of.
âEUoeIzal!âEU Mako calls out into the night.
CAW!
The feathered animal's reply was short and completely inaudible for the moment the avian let loose its cry, thunder had roared, letting out a deafening boom.
âEUoeIzal!âEU Mako calls out again, this time even louder.
CAW!
Once again Izal made his cry, but unlike the last time , Mako was able to hear him, so he held out his left arm, keeping it nice and steady before pursing his lips together once more and whistled.
Flying 30 metres above Mako, Izal heard the whistle and dipped it's head before plummeting to the beach below. Even in the dark, Izal had perfect vision, enabling him to see everything, especially Mako. Izal could see the extended arm and understood its intention, Mako required the raven to land on his arm, so exerting caution, the raven flew gracefully and landed ever so carefully on Mako's arm. In fact he was so careful in his landing that not even one of his talons had pierced Mako's skin.
âEUoeYou called for me Master?âEU Once again, Izal's eyes are green as he speaks telepathically.
âEUoeYes I did. You spoke of a boy.âEU As he talks, Mako stares into the eyes of the animal sitting comfortably on his arm.
âEUoeThat I did.âEU
âEUoeTake me to him!âEU Mako commands.
Following his master's command, Izal took flight once more, but with the same care he used only moments ago, being ever so careful as to not part flesh from bone as he left Mako's arm.
Now flapping his wings and heading in a north easterly direction, Izal was not flying at his full speed, but was flying quick enough to move at a reasonable pace , but slow enough for Mako to still see him in the dark and be able to follow.
Mako chased after Izal, the sand crunched beneath his feet as he ran across the sandy part of the beach before he leaped up onto the nearest boulder. Due to all the rainfall, the surface of the rock was very slippery, but Mako did not slip, nor did he slide. Instead he maintained perfect footing before he leaped from his current rock and landed on another.
Mako continued to jump from rock to rock, each time his feet would make contact with the hard jagged surface, along with the sound of squelching, but he continued on, leaping from boulder to boulder as he voyaged onwards, maintaining his pursuit of following his friend.
âEUoeGetting slower Master?âEU The mocking words had come from Izal, he's thoughts telepathically drifting from his mind and into Mako's.
âEUoeWho are you calling slow?âEU Mako replies before he urges himself on, willing his body to move much faster, which it did.
Mako was really running now, he was moving twice as fast and leaping twice as far. This was another skill of a True Watcher, the ability to summon great strength, speed and stamina when a Watcher needed it most, in the middle of a battle when they are at their weakest, or for when they were very tired and Mako was feeling exceptionally tired, very tired and yet, very alive.
As he ran and leaped repeatedly, his breathing was slow and controlled, in through his nose and out through his mouth, but inside his chest that was a different story. His heart was beating faster than Mako was moving, it was pulsating at a rate of 8 beats per second, so fast and so hard that Mako felt like it was going to blow up, but Mako knew better.
âEUoeDo you see the boy yet?âEU Mako whispers, he knew full well that no matter how loud or how silent he spoke then, he knew that Izal would hear him regardless because at that moment, Mako could feel Izal's presence in his mind.
CAW!
No words this time, just a sound, but for Mako one sound was more than enough. The gentle call was worth 100 words uttered in a single second. Mako understood its message loud and clear, Izal was with the boy at that very moment.
As he leaped from one last rock, he landed back on the stony beach, 10 metres in front of him he could just make out Izal's feathery body as it stood besides a basket that was made out of a material that was not Nogmal wood, but was actually made out of wicker.
Mako walked slowly but surely over towards his friend and the basket made of a foreign material. Everything wooden in Mares was made out the Nogmal wood and yet, even from a distance Mako could tell that the basket was made out of a material that was not found or used in Mares and that could mean only one thing, the basket was from a whole other Realm. The basket and its occupant had travelled a long way to arrive at Iris.
As Mako walked up to the basket, now much closer he could easily see inside the wicker object. Sleeping blissfully, snuggled up in a wool blanket, lay a peaceful baby, he wasn't chubby like most babies, but was in actual fact quite slim due to not eating in quite some time. His skin was pale and due to his sleeping state, his eyelids were closed so Mako was unable to determine the boy's eye colour, but he could see bright blonde ringlets of hair.
Turning to his feathered friend, Mako had something to say and Izal knew he wished to talk.
âEUoeWhat is is?âEU Izal asks.
âEUoeThe basket, it's made from...âEU Mako has no time to finish his question as Izal chooses to interrupt him.
âEUoeWicker.âEU Izal answers.
âEUoeHe's travelled a long way to get here.âEU Mako comments.
âEUoeLook in the basket.âEU Izal instructs.
Mako does as he is commanded and takes a closer look in the basket, inside it, hidden almost completely is a thin, long glass bottle, similar in shape to a bottle of wine. Inside the bottle was a single piece of parchment.
Very carefully, Mako reaches in and pulls out the glass made bottle and holds it in his hands before he removes the cork with a loud pop.
POP!
Sticking a single finger into the opening of the glass bottle, he turns the container round and is successful in getting the piece of parchment out.
âEUoeWhat is it?âEU Izal asks as he watches Mako unroll the document and study it.
âEUoeA letter.âEU
âEUoeWhat does it say?âEU
âEUoeJust a second.âEU Mako gazes intently at the document, the writing on it wasn't written in the Mari language, the recognised language of the Mares Realm. Instead it was written in Algean, a language that Mako had not read or heard spoken in quite a while. He needed a moment to remember his knowledge of this other language before he could translate it.

(continued in next post)

[greatwh1teshark]

(Chapter 4 continued:)

With knowledge of old coming back to him, Mako was able to translate the letter with ease and read it out loud so Izal could hear.

âEUoeTo Whoever finds me,
My name is Zach, I was born in the Month of Easter, nearly two full moons ago and I have travelled far and wide. I am a child of the Algean Realm, I hail from the village of Mantos on Mantos Island.
As is the custom, I am the first born child in my family and so, as of that, my parents obeyed the code in the hopes that I'll reach the lands of the Guarded ones and learn their ways.âEU

and here's Chapter 5:

CHAPTER V:
Children of Tormenta

Mako put the letter down and tucked it back into the basket. He knew of Mantos Island, he'd been there before on two different occasions, once when he was very young and the second time was a couple of decades later when Mako found himself participating in a quest of the utmost importance. That was a long time ago now, lost in the past, but it was Mako's last ever journey he had undergone, the last quest he engaged in before reaching his adventure's gripping, climaxing end. At the end of that quest, he returned to Iris and he never left since.
âEUoeThis child's arrival can mean only one thing.âEU Izal states knowingly.
âEUoeYes, training begins again.âEU Mako turns to the raven and eyes him up.
âEUoeTrue...âEU
âEUoeI sense a but coming.âEU Mako replies wisely.
âEUoe...but it also means that one of the prophecies has now come to pass.âEU
âEUoeProphecy?âEU Mako questions as he glances back down to little the baby Zach in his basket.
âEUoeThink back.âEU Izal subtly communicates.
Upon this instruction, Mako allows his mind to wander backwards, first it reached the code mentioned in the letter.
The code, which is widely known as the âEUoeChosen LawâEU that came into being two centuries ago and is enforced in seven of the eleven Realms of Oceania, Algean & Mares being two of the seven realms. The Chosen Law was decided upon by earlier on Wacthers, as a means of discovering stronger and more highly skilled warriors, instead of just training every child they took in, only to have many quit on them, giving up because it was too arduous. As for the ones that didn't quit, a number of them had died, through training or participating in a series of deadly trials.
So the Watchers of that time, made a law for a new training and selection process, a process that only first born children are allowed to participate in. First born children would be given up by their families and taken under the wing of the appointed Guardian of the Realm. To a Realm there can be a vast number of Islands and the general of thumb is that each Island is given an appointed Watcher, although there were more Islands that had a trainee Watcher than a full fledged Watcher, but in the modern world today, only a handful of Islands had a Guardian now.
Also to every Realm there is one Island that is designated a Watcher Island, an Island home to Watcher's like Mako, Guardians charged with the duty of training the future Watcher's and were responsible for the entire Realm. Back when the Watchers brought forth their new law, the Guardian of the Realm would sail from Island to Island, taking the first born children from their families and bringing them back to their chosen Island to participate in the training. The problem with this was that once training would start, a few months later the Guardian would have to set off once again, sailing for children to train.
The Watchers then decided that to solve this problem that the Guardian of the Realm, is to remain on their Island for the Sea was a very dangerous place, many would meet their end on the water, it was declared an unnecessary risk so the Guardians would stay on shore, charged with the task of being forever present on their Island, so they could train their students.
As for potential disciples, parents would send their children off however they saw fit, floating them out to sea in baskets, on rafts or in boats, in the hopes that the Seas would carry them to the Lands of the Guardians.
Many children after being sent off were never seen again, but the ones that did, the ones that survived the trials and hardships of the tide, they eventually grew up to become accomplished Watchers. Mako had seen a fair number of children who had made their way to the Isle of Iris and taught them, but it has been quite some time since he had a pupil to educate.
With a quick shake of the head, Mako returned his thoughts back to the present, only to then allow his mind to dart back, scanning his vast memory bank for the memory regarding the prophecy Izal was referring too. Upon reaching its discovery, Mako wasted no time at all in going over it.
The prophecy as mentioned by Izal dates back to a hundred years after the Chosen Law came into being. The teaching Watcher's learned that students hailing from further away, from a different Realm, were different to students who came from neighbouring Islands. For some reason, children who came to the tutors from different Realms, they all seemed to be stronger, smarter, quicker and easier to train.
The Watchers believed that a child who had travelled from Realm to Realm via being carried by the currents of the Seas, would face more perilous danger and be at more risk than an infant who would voyage from Island to Island. Therefore they believed that these âEUoeChosenâEU children were under the protection of the Goddess Tormenta, the Watchers one and only Goddess and they did not believe in any Gods either. The youngsters kept safe came to be known as the Children of Tormenta and each one of them grew up to become some of the greatest Watchers to ever live, they were also the true vanquishers of the Dark Ones.
Mako himself knows a lot about the Children of Tormenta, he himself is one, he was born in the Abaran Realm and journeyed across the Oceans until at long last, he washed up on the Isle of Iris, where he was then shown the ways of the mighty Guardians and became one of the greatest Watchers to date. Mako was the last Child of Tormenta, out of twenty six special protected infants, he was the last of them that was until the recent arrival of Zach.
It was in times of peace that the Watcher's learned that upon the arrival of a Tormenta's Child, within the years that follow, Darkness would rise up once again, attempting to plunge the world into a new age of shadows and they also learned that the Tormenta's Child, would play a huge role in the Dark One's downfall. It is in that lesson of knowledge that the prophecy was made:

âEUoeCome the Arrival of the Chosen, comes the Arrival of the Impending Darkness.âEU

Continued in next post)

[greatwh1teshark]

(Chap 5 con:)

Mako looks to young Zach, who is still sleeping soundly before he moved his concentration and his eyes, to his faithful flapping companion.
âEUoeDarkness is coming.âEU Mako's eyes hardened as he spoke.
âEUoeYes, it seems the Shanzi will be making their return.âEU
âEUoeMako winced when he heard his friend say the word Shanzi, it was a word all Watchers knew. Shanzi is a word, a language and a race. Shanzi are the Dark Ones, it's their true name and the name of their language. In every language spoken in all of Oceania, Shanzi has the same translation in all of them, and when translated it means Shadow.
âEUoeI just hope this young lad can live up to the prophecy, a lot depends on it.âEU As he spoke, Mako could feel the rain hitting him faster and faster, the downpour or rain was coming quicker.
âEUoeTeach him everything you know, that's all you can do. The rest will be up to him.âEU Izal replies knowingly.
âEUoeYou're right as always my friend.âEU
âEUoeThe rain is getting worse, as is the storm. We should head inside.âEU Izal tells Mako, imploring him to head for home.
âEUoeYou're quite right, any chance of a lift?âEU Mako asks as he scoops up the basket and holds it between the left part of his body and the inside of his left arm, leaving his left hand free to support the bottom of the basket and allowing his right hand to be free to grab hold of one of Izal's legs, if he is willing to give both Mako and Zach a ride.
Instead of answering Mako's question, Izal choose to leave it unanswered as he begun to flap his wings and rise up off the ground before sticking a leg out.
âEUoeGrab tightly.âEU
âEUoeThank you my friend.âEU Mako smiles with joy and reaches out with his hand to grab the raven's leg. He made sure his grip was tight before Izal flapped his wings powerfully and powered his way high up into the sky, soaring above the beach before ascending above the volcano. As Mako's south facing home came into sight, baby Zach continued to sleep.

CHAPTER VI:
The Start of Things to Come

Now past midnight, Mako was still awake and was seated on a three legged stool, besides a four legged wooden table with a square surface, positioned against the wall, making it available for three to sit at.
Inside the first floor of Mako's two storey home, the room was a combination of a kitchen, a dining room and a living room, complete with a fully functioning, stone built fireplace. At that current moment in time a couple of Nogmal logs were placed inside the fireplace as a fierce flame roared, burning the wood as well as it could.
If the wood was just cut and then place inside the fireplace, like you would with a normal log of wood, then it would not burn, but when the log is cut into four pieces, exposing its weaker and burnable inside, then it becomes usable as fire wood, but a very slow burning wood so it helps to have a load of Nogmal leaves on hand to burn in the meantime, to keep the fire going until the wood starts to burn.
The kitchen area of the room was made up on a wooden work surface that runs along the easterly wall. The work surface was home to three units, complete with drawers, doors and handles. The units housed Mako's groceries, his crockery, pots and pans and the drawers contained his cutlery.
On the wall above the kitchen unit are two units mounted to the wall, one to the right and on to the left, leaving the middle area clear. Sitting on the work surface was a pot full of water and a sponge, which Mako would use to wash his utensils. Next to it was a wooden chopping board, used dirty knives and a number of used pots and bowls.
Over on the west side of the room was the dining area, it is where Mako is currently seated, along with two more stools and the table that Mako's bowl of soup was resting on. All along the western wall were a collection of souvenirs gathered during Mako's lifetime. There were wooden and metal shields, Broadswords, Long swords, War Hammers, Arming swords, axes, masks of skulls and animals. There were even a number of hand drawn pictures depicting certain events of Mako's long life.
As for the corner where the west wall meets the south wall, which has two windows built into it, as well as a front door, sits two chests on the floor, and in the chests were a number or weapons and currency, gold and an assortment of jewels.
More pictures were hung on the northern wall, either side of the fireplace and on the floor was a small wooden table, a couple of chairs and at that moment, baby Zach was in his basket. Zach was still sleeping and was placed in his wicker basket, close enough to the fire to benefit from the open flame, but far away enough so that if any embers shot out, they would not land in the basket, setting fire to it and burning Zach.
Sitting closer to the fire was Izal, due to the sheer heat, his feathers were drying in no time and to his right was a wooden rack, which had draped over it, Mako's soaked tunic, which was also drying and in front of the rack was Mako's wet boots.
âEUoeHow's the fire treating you?âEU Mako calls out as he reaches for his bowl of soup.
As he sat poised at the table with food in hand, Mako was dressed in a dry violet tunic and like most of the time, his sword was once again in its sheath, resting by his hip. With his right hand he dips his spoon into the soup and raises it to his mouth before taking a mouthful of his vegetable soup. He felt good being both warm and working his way to being well fed.
âEUoeIt's good, my wings are almost dry.âEU Izal replies contently.
âEUoeGood, then maybe we can talk.âEU Mako declares between slurps.
In that moment, Izal had beat his wings and flew over to the table by Mako and landed on one of the unoccupied stools.
âEUoeYes?âEU Once again Izal's eyes are green.
âEUoeThe child is very young.âEU
âEUoeThey always are.âEU
âEUoeI doubt we'll have enough time to train him.âEU Mako divulges.
âEUoeWe'll?âEU Izal asks.
âEUoeI will need your help with this one. I have the feeling that the Shanzi will be coming soon, sooner than they ever have done before.âEU
âEUoeWhat makes you say that?âEU
âEUoeThe storm, you've seen what it is like out there. It's been like that every night for the last fortnight.âEU
âEUoeYes, I've noticed that myself.âEU Izal states.
âEUoeIt doesn't feel like a normal storm, it feels like...âEU
âEUoeSomething more?âEU Izal questions.
âEUoeExactly. It feels like Darkness itself is in it.âEU
âEUoeYou think the Shanzi will be making their arrival via the storm?âEU
âEUoeI do, they did before. Plus with the arrival of Zach, that's all the proof I need. I believe the Shanzi's presence will be known within a year or two.âEU Master Mako declares as his hard gaze is met evenly by Izal's own steely gaze.
âEUoeThen that'`s no time at all.âEU
âEUoeI know, by the time Zach will be ready, if he'll be ready, the Shanzi will have a foothold on the world, at least two Realms under their control.âEU

(Chap 6 to be continued in next post:

[greatwh1teshark]

chap 6 con:

âEUoeHence the reason why you require my aid in his teaching. You intend to teach him harder and faster than any Watcher has ever been trained.âEU
âEUoeExactly right my old friend.âEU Mako grins as he puts his bowl back down on the table, still containing some soup, before he reaches for the stick of bread on the table and breaks off an end.
âEUoeNo one has ever been trained like that.âEU
âEUoeI know, but we don't really have the time for the normal standard of teaching.âEU As Mako makes his reply, he dips his bit of bread into the soup and finishes his statement before taking a couple of bites.
âEUoeThen I will help you in every way I can.âEU
âEUoeThank you Izal.âEU
âEUoeI hope he's strong enough.âEU Izal can't help but feel very concerned.
âEUoeI do too,âEU Mako admits between mouthfuls.
Both man and bird glance over in the direction of young Zach, who is still oblivious to the world as he continues to dream.
âEUoeWhat do you think he's dreaming about?âEU
Mako gets up from his stool and walks over to the boy in the basket and kneels down beside him. His blanket was pushed away from where Zach had pushed it away as he moved around in his sleep. Extending his hands carefully and slowly, Mako grasps the blanket and pulls it over Zach, covering him better.
âEUoeI have no idea, but I hope it's of something good because if I'm right and the Shanzi do come, if this boy is not ready then the world as we know it will become a never ending nightmare.âEU
âEUoeThen we will not fail in his training.âEU Izal replies before coming over to join the man and the boy.
âEUoeIn the morning I will need you to take flight.âEU
âEUoeAnd go where?âEU
âEUoeEverywhere. I need you to deliver a message to the other Watchers for me.âEU Mako says calmly.
âEUoeA message, saying what?âEU Izal quizzes.
Mako walks over to the wooden table by the fire, grabs a piece of parchment and picks up a quill, which he dips into an ink pot full of black ink and scribbles out a message. When he finished, Mako blows his wording dry and reads it over before standing up.
âEUoeSaying this!âEU
Mako holds the parchment up so that Izal can read the message, which was written:

âEUoeThe Shanzi are Coming. Be Ready! - Master Mako, Mares Guardian of the Realm, Isle of IrisâEU

Because of the breaks in posts with trying to paste the chapters, i'm going to post them on my NG account, so the chapters are easier to read, Chapters 1-8 can be seen there at this current time.

[greatwh1teshark]

CHAPTER VIII:
Fighting in The Forest

A few more years have passed and many a development has taken place on the Isle of Iris. Zach is now eight years and seven months old and has more than doubled in height, he now stands at a full height of 4'8. His full head of blond hair was now even brighter and messier than before, but the joyful smile remained.
He continued to wear a brown tunic much like the one he had when he was younger, but this one was obviously much bigger and fitted the older Zach perfectly. On his feet he wore especially made black leather boots to accommodate the size of his feet.
His once perfect pale skin, was now more pink in colour and featured a slight tan in places. He has a few moles on his body and a number of scratches and scars all over his body that he had gathered over the last few years.
On his left arm, on the upper area of his arm, which his tunic's sleeve usually covers, he now bares a mark that ranges from his left bicep to his left tricep. The mark, which looks more like a tattoo, is a single colour, a shade of black that is darker than the night's sky and is in the form of a perfect circle. To one side of it is a crescent moon and seated in the heart of the circle, touching the top and four other areas of the circle, was a five star pentacle.
The mark upon Zach's arm, is the Mark of the Shanzi, it is a mark that burns itself upon the skin of a Child of Tormenta, whenever there was a strong presence of the Dark Ones, in the world. Zach received his mark just a few hours after he spoke he first word.
During the last five years, a war had started in a far off Realm, only to end after a duration of 21 months as the whole Realm under the control of the Shanzi. The Dark Ones now had their foothold on the world and were readying their attacks on the other Realms.
The sky above Iris was cloudy, but the sun was visible and able to bring some light down unto the world. Standing amongst the Nogmal trees in the forest area of Iris, was none other than Zach himself. In his right hand he gripped firmly on the single-handle, of his 30 inch long, pointed end, wooden sword.
Zach's eyelids were shut and his ears were twitching, responding to every noise that he could hear. The child was somewhat masculine in appearance and stood perfectly still, his nose and mouth drew in no air as he held his breath, not even his chest was moving, but inside his chest, his heart continued to beat, but very, very slowly.
All around him, Zach could hear the snaps of twigs, the rustling of leaves, the calls and tweets of the local birds and on his skin he could feel the soft gentle breeze of the wind.
Just then he heard the noise he was listening out for, the sound of a spring, which was followed by a wooden target emerging from the trees to Zach's left. His eyes shoot open as he runs towards the target before he leaps over it and then unleashes a volley of strikes. One strike was vertical, slicing down the spine of the target, where as the other two were both horizontal, each one hitting either side of the head.
CAW!
Zach turns to his right and sees Izal flying towards him, judging by the speed the bird was flying, Zach figured he must have done something wrong. Izal was now ten feet away and he showed no signs of stopping, he was coming straight for Zach.
CAW!
Moving as quickly as he could, Zach wastes no time in diving off to his right, he only just successfully dodged the raven, who went on to fly straight into the target, smashing it to bits.
SMASH!
Now in pain, Izal showed no desire of slowing, but instead had choose to continue to soar, flying straight for Zach, who continued to prove to be light on his feet as he leaped up onto a tree and started to climb it in his own special way. He leaped from one branch onto another and onto another before he started to jump from tree to tree.
With Izal hot on his heels, Zach was moving to the best of his abilities, leaping and running, running along the longer branches and jumping when he could run no more. His breathing was now somewhat hard and his heart was racing, pumping blood like there was no tomorrow, but because Izal kept on coming, Zach knew he must keep on going too, he had no other choice.
He knew he needed to gain some height, but first he would need to lose some, so to trick Izal, he jumped forwards only to grab hold of the thin branch he just left and swung himself back onto it, only to back-flip off and land on a lower branch of a shorter tree.
From his new position, Zach leaped to the closet tree and kicked himself up and away towards another tree, giving him some of the needed height he required before he suddenly side-flipped off the branch he just landed on and began to fall, although it was a well timed fall, which saw him land comfortably on the back of Izal who at that time was flying below Zach before he flipped off the branch.
Now in control of the relentless bird, Zach forced him to fly back down to the ground. Izal wasn't enjoying having a passenger on this flight, especially a passenger that had taken control and was now piloting the animal like an aircraft. Zach manoeuvred the raven to make it fly out of the forest-like area and steered him into a clearing where a decent sized wooden cage sat.
In that moment Izal knew what Zach was up to, but it was too late, Zach had leaped up off the animal, which flew straight into the cage. Once his prey was inside, Zach kicked the door shut and locked it, trapping the animal.
"That fast enough for you?" Zach asks in his youthful, boyish, confident voice as he flashes a warm, kind hearted smile.
CAW!
Confined in the cage, Izal struggled to break free and escape, but it was no good, the wooden cage was too strong and refused to break.
"Don't struggle, you won't break this cage." Zach announces.
CAW!
"Now, where's..." Zach stops himself from finishing his own question as he no longer need to ask it, he now knew the answer as he could sense and hear a presence behind. He didn't even need to see the slight movement in the trees to confirm his suspicions, but he still noticed it regardless.
Zach tightened his grip on his wooded weapon and slashed out at an arrow that shot out of the trees, aimed for none other than Zach, who's wooden sword broke the arrow in half.
"Hello Mako." Zach says as he twirls the sword in his hand before swiping at a second arrow that was fired at him.
CAW!
Zach looked to the cage with the imprisoned Izal, the raven's eyes were green, so he knew the animal was up to something, something that he was talking to Izal about. Just then a third arrow was fired at the cage, heading for the locking mechanism.

(to be continued in next post)

[greatwh1teshark]

âEUoeOh no you don't!âEU Zach leaps towards the arrow and lets loose with a kick, his time was perfect as he hits the arrow at the right time and sends it off in another direction, giving it no other choice but to hit a Nogmal tree.
CAW!
Izal flaps his wings and looks on at Zach, who is standing proudly as he wears a happy grin.
âEUoeWe can do this all day. How about coming out to face me?âEU Zach calls out to the trees.
Mako steps out into the clearing, in his hands he is holding a Nogmal made bow, while on his back he has a quiver containing twenty two arrows.
Zach looks at the hand crafted weapon that Mako was armed with, he recognised the curves and the overall design. The bow was one that Zach himself had made upon his Master's instruction.
âEUoeI see you're using my own bow against me.âEU Zach can't help but look at his own bow, a weapon that projects arrows powered by its elasticity.
âEUoeYou're right, perhaps I should use one of your own swords instead.âEU As Mako made his reply, he places the Nogmal bow down on the ground before he pulls out a wooden Long sword that up until that moment, had been sitting in a sheath. With a weapon in hand, Mako runs at his young student.
Zach side-steps one swing, jumps over the second swing and then ducks under the third before he started to let out a few swings of his one, which Mako successfully counted against.
âEUoeYou'll have to do better than that!âEU Mako boasts.
âEUoeFine!âEU
Upon his Master's command, Zach unleashes a volley of swipes with his Nogmal sword once more, unleashing slashes that were diagonal, vertical and even horizontal, but being the superior swordsman that Mako is, Mako was able to shield and defend himself masterfully.
âEUoeA real target is harder to hit hey Zach.âEU Mako mocks.
âEUoeAh! But you forget Master...âEU Zach paused to leap over Mako and kick him in the back before swinging low with his sword, striking Mako's legs, causing him to collapse to the floor.
âEUoe...I'm faster than you.âEU
Mako leaps up onto his feet and dusts himself off. âEUoeThat's a good move, an appropriate use of a speed boost.âEU
âEUoeI learned from the best.âEU Zach brags.
âEUoeI am glad that you remember what I had told you before, sword skills are very important, but against a more skilled or powerful opponent...âEU
âEUoe...sword skills aren't enough, fighting skills and good timing are just as important and are vital abilities to have.âEU Zach says, finishing his mentor's sentence.
âEUoeVery good, now remember, I don't want to see what you can do with a sword, I want to see what you can do.âEU
âEUoeRight!âEU
Zach's grip tightens once again before he runs to his trainer, except instead of going for an attack, he jumps to the side and runs into the forest, hiding amongst the trees. He wasn't escaping or being a coward, but was actually trying out a tactic he had just devised that would win him the battle.

[greatwh1teshark]

Hey guys, I just wanted to say thanks again to all those who had left a comment and voiced their opinion, it is all very helpful.

I just have a couple of questions though:

What do you think of the story development so far?
What do you make of the character development?
Am I revealing too much info per chapter or not enough?

Thank you for your time and as it currently stands, I'm up to Chapter 9 on digital format and Chapter 13 in written format, with the next ten chapters all planned out in my head and in the upcoming Chapters we get to meet new characters in the form of Lagos, an elderly Watcher and Skyla, a girl with a hidden background, strange up-bringing and we get to meet two Shanzi and a gang of goblins as the fighting begins.

Any thoughts?

[greatwh1teshark]

So I've finally got a title for the Novel and it is this:

The Elohim Prophecy: The Spirit of Iris

I have also got up to 20 chapters written, now I've just got to type them up.

[Regularman]

interesting story

[greatwh1teshark]

At 2/2/13 08:18 AM, Regularman wrote: interesting story

Thanks very much.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 2/2/13 08:18 AM, Regularman wrote: interesting story

Cheers very much

[greatwh1teshark]

A couple of months ago I started writing a novel and uploading bits of it on NG, well now the Novel is completed and is uploaded online and can be found on this site: http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/book.asp?book_ID=29873

So if you've got the time to check it out, I greatly appreciate that, and for those of you who don't know what it is about, I'll tell you:

Brief Summary:
Set in a world much unlike our own, on a lonesome planet at the end of the universe, an epic between good and evil is about to come to pass. Living in a medieval era, the inhabitants of the world find themselves up against the dreaded Shanzi, vile creatures of pure darkness who seek one thing, the annihilation of that is good and there is only one who can stop them, a young boy by the name of Zach who must Rise up against the forces of darkness and drive them back to the shadow existence from whence they came.

Synopis & MS Story Development:
The Planet under threat of destruction from the wicked Shanzi is the planet Oceania, a planet much like Earth, except it is even more so a water planet, with even less land for the inhabitants to live and due to the large seas and oceans, the planet's inhabitants are divided across the eleven realms, living on islands that are both small and large.
Our story begins when Zach, who at this time is a baby arrives in the Mares realm on the Isle of Iris, an Island that is home to the Watcher Mako, Watchers are proud warriors and the defenders against evil, especially their arch nemesis the Shanzi, aka the Dark Ones, monsters of many forms, made up of pure darkness and shadow beings of terrible evil that want nothing more then to destroy all life and rule the world.
Upon Zach's arrival on the Isle of Iris, the Shanzi find a way to return to Oceania, bringing new darkness to the world, so it is down to Mako to train young Zach, who is a special boy and according to the Watcher's prophecies, is the saviour and only one who can destroy the Shanzi, so in light of that, Mako spends the next 8 years training his Zach, getting him ready for his mission to vanquish darkness.
Zach is now 8 years old and thanks to Mako, is well trained and highly skilled, but Mako doesn't believe in Zach, he doubts him completely, so due to eavesdropping, Zach overhears Mako's doubts and runs off, only to meet another person on the Island, the Spirit of Iris, aka Shimay the Phantom, who knows all about Zach and begins training him, Zach begins to grow greatly, becoming the hero he is meant to be and because of his new powers, another of Zach's educators, Izal the large 4 foot telepathic Raven believes Zach could be one of the Legendary Elohim, the elite Watchers who were true soldiers and unbeatable in battle and as the ROTE Series progresses, it comes into light that Zach is Elohim and is the first of a new breed and sets out to find others like him and helps them achieve their full potential and rally together to defeat the Shanzi once and for all.
As the story progress, Shimay is actually revealed to be a villain and is in actual fact Shanzi, so Zach has to set out on a small journey to ready himself for his true showdown with the Evil tyrant of the novel and in his travel he encounters a goblin camp that has taken children prisoner, so Zach then frees the children, defeats the goblins and their ruler, the Goblin King, who is also another Shanzi and it is upon defeating the shadow being that Zach is well on his way to unlocking his Elohim side just before his final showdown battle with Shimay.
The story ends with Shimay's defeat as Zach is able to overcome the evil Dark One, only to have Shimay have the last laugh as he was successful in opening the temple of the Shanzi, allowing many more Shanzi to escape and plague the world and with the Temple being open, Shimay has made it possible for the Shanzi King Lord Darkari to escape, which novel 2 (The Eye of Mares) will be about, as Zach must prepare for a new quest and sets out to hunt down the Shanzi that escaped and stop the evil King before he can destroy the world.

Once again, thank you for your time.

[velex]

"Centuries ago, back in the era of the Medieval ages, there existed civilizations unknown to the world of today. Wars broke out, sickness and diseases swept across the lands and many a famine had occurred. Most of the civilizations were wiped out completely, Erased & Forgotten for all of Eternity."

You're using words that are outside your age range. 'Centuries, Medieval, civilizations, diseases, famine, occurred, completely, eternity'

If you're writing for 5+, you'll have to explain big words and concepts. For instance, "Medieval" assumes that the reader will have a conception of Kings, and knights and castles.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 4/22/13 08:52 PM, velex wrote: "Centuries ago, back in the era of the Medieval ages, there existed civilizations unknown to the world of today. Wars broke out, sickness and diseases swept across the lands and many a famine had occurred. Most of the civilizations were wiped out completely, Erased & Forgotten for all of Eternity."

You're using words that are outside your age range. 'Centuries, Medieval, civilizations, diseases, famine, occurred, completely, eternity'

If you're writing for 5+, you'll have to explain big words and concepts. For instance, "Medieval" assumes that the reader will have a conception of Kings, and knights and castles.

i understand your point entirely, except the age range I am writing for are ages 10 and up and back when I was 8 years old, I had already learned those words as I was studying the medieval ages in history class.

[sharpnova]

At 4/26/13 08:27 AM, greatwh1teshark wrote:
i understand your point entirely, except the age range I am writing for are ages 10 and up and back when I was 8 years old, I had already learned those words as I was studying the medieval ages in history class.

Excuse me...?

You absolutely stated you were writing this for 5-16. It seemed appropriate for very young children since your writing style is very childish.

If you are going to lie to defend yourself against constructive criticism then you need to withdraw this farce of a request for feedback.

[JL95]

At 4/29/13 05:33 AM, sharpnova wrote:

At 4/26/13 08:27 AM, greatwh1teshark wrote:
i understand your point entirely, except the age range I am writing for are ages 10 and up and back when I was 8 years old, I had already learned those words as I was studying the medieval ages in history class.

Excuse me...?

You absolutely stated you were writing this for 5-16. It seemed appropriate for very young children since your writing style is very childish.

If you are going to lie to defend yourself against constructive criticism then you need to withdraw this farce of a request for feedback.

I second his feedback.

Not all children know as much as another. You will be surprised to find adults that might not even know all this.

Now you can either go on as you will. Or review his feedback and consider that some explanation will make sense lest you pass on an inaccurate understanding of the words used to the children reading them; as each kid might perceive each word differently.