Be a Supporter!
  • Member since: Mar. 25, 2011
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Level 03
Art Lover
The Dark Family 2012-09-05 03:06:28 Reply

The Dark Family

The vampire watches with eyes of ice
Few remember his days of being nice
Flashing eyes become emeralds in the firelight
His mind is hard but always bright
The dark clothes of night he wears
Sharp and clean with no tears
Frozen is his body in time
His words are worth more than a dime
Slow to speak and slower to bite
Far greater than a human was his might
None was sure of his belief
For he would only bite the thief
His vice was not gold but silver i say
His victims paid for their sins in many a way
About his scars i did not pry
But his ring had a stone as blue as the sky
He killed many with great fire
But none could contest his hand at playing the lyre
A thoughtful habit he did bare
Often twirling his fingers in his midnight hair

The lady Ashley is so young
At times she is high strung
Even being slenderly built
Be careful when her hand is on her hilt
Four blades is most all she carries
Vowing never again to marry
By her side stand her great flaming hound
At danger always ready to bound
A family marking on her breast
Proves to all she has conquered death
Even though her blades are sharp indeed
Of her eyes take cautious heed
When they are clouded with the storm
You may soon wish you were never born
And if you catch them with clear light
This is the time to be in her sight
A lover's touch is what she once gave
The returned touch is all she craves
In the ancient ruins she was born
She has only felt her fathers scorn

Grey eyed Sabre with the calming smile
With memories longer than the Nile
Greatest of healers is what she has become
Easily making the damage of the fight be undone
Wings of the bright color of white
Burned the demons of old with their light
She wears a small silver ring
With a blue stone, such a pretty thing
Purer than most on this earth
Being an angel of heaven by birth
Loves does she the vampire of the night
Leading him by her inner light
Two children has she bore
She wishes for nothing more
Ashley is her daughters name
Her son Jacob has a blonde lions mane

Jacob was a man of the light above
His skin as white as the feather of the dove
For a long while i watched this fellow
His hair with quite long and yellow
Gold and black was his clothes
For a pace of time i thought he dozed
To think i almost gave him up as a bore
Then he opened his eyes and saw the old lores
Young and old he seemed
Almost completely as if he were a dream
With the power of spirit he was filled
His look never held his fathers chill
Of his mothers power did he process
Only she could put him to the healers test

Kisaka is young but old
When angered she becomes very bold
A claimer of metal she may be
But of love she takes no cautious heed
A young heart she is
Only being claimed as his
Jacob is not her father by natural birth
But she claims him as her father of rebirth
Through her work she does see
Because no sight has she
A small body and bright mind
Many metals does she combine
Her forge in is hot indeed
For she gives in to her bodys greed
Many weapons has she made
For the smiths spirit will never fade
Even she makes the weapons case
But has never seen her lovers face

The Demon With A Frozen Heart And Gentle Soul

  • Member since: Jul. 6, 2010
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Level 10
Blank Slate
Response to The Dark Family 2012-09-05 16:04:01 Reply

The rhyming is juvenile, and not because it's trying to be juvenile. It runs into the problem of struggling really hard to fit itself together and makes some of the most terrible rhymes ever and some that aren't even rhymes (breast/death, filled/chill) but are consonant enough that they could be gotten away with if the rest of the poem didn't rhyme so ardently. It's like wearing too much makeup, it's just so preposterous there's no reason for it to be taken seriously. Sometimes that's a good thing if the subject is trying to be a clown and explain some dramatic fault or comedic irony, but is not desirable for serious storytelling.

Since there's no other formatting to guide the reader besides the couplets and the stanzas associated to each character it almost beckons the reader to acknowledged how ridiculous the rhyming is and how primitive the whole focus is.

There is no rhythm to speak of, not a lot of literary description and usage, and not a lot of symbolism or metaphor to develop the characters, just a stream of facts and cliches used to describe them. It walks a line between being narrative and poetry because of how arhythmic it is but how crude the writing is to be considered descriptive narrative.

To steal a phrase "show instead of tell". A common film criticism is that the director doesn't leave anything to the audience and removes all subtlety because they're afraid their stupid viewers will miss something. In this case, there is so much incessant description and explanation that the poem doesn't communicate anything emotionally. It possesses the literary quality of a shopping list that way.

1/10 writing.