At 5/18/12 01:50 PM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

At 4/29/12 03:44 PM, 4urentertainment wrote:

I think you should consider moving the deadline to May 31st. Also, I think that the top 5 should be decided by the panel of judges, but submitters can vote for their favorite, and that story could win a bonus prize.

I'm gonna take that advice and extend the deadline to May 31st. If you submit yours and I submit mine, then that's 5 stories, and everybody wins!

Where'd all the writers ago again? :P

At 5/24/12 08:30 AM, 4urentertainment wrote:

At 5/18/12 01:50 PM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

At 4/29/12 03:44 PM, 4urentertainment wrote:

I think you should consider moving the deadline to May 31st. Also, I think that the top 5 should be decided by the panel of judges, but submitters can vote for their favorite, and that story could win a bonus prize.

I'm gonna take that advice and extend the deadline to May 31st. If you submit yours and I submit mine, then that's 5 stories, and everybody wins!

Where'd all the writers ago again? :P

i'm still very much innit, as a matter of fact i have just submitted my entry, altough i didn't notice the deadline change.

And i forgot aboutte fact that this site screws up my "quotation marks"*sigh*.
Anyho if the two of you guys enter that makes 6 entries, and that means that we might actually have some sort of competition, hell yeah!

I've read all the stories so far, and I really like what I'm reading! I really thing we should repeat this event if we ever get back our writing community. What's awesome to think is that all of these are true, the more personal it gets the more interesting the stories are.

One thing I noticed though, is that all the stories so far bear a rather dark and/or cynical overtone. I then realized that the story I was planning was the same. At first I thought "Hey, maybe all writers just think too much" but then I realized everyone's that way, you just don't get to read into people's minds like this so often, which is another reason why I love this contest.

So far we have a man's passionate tussle with his girlfriend, a boy's struggle with the routine life of school and whose only solace is a pretty face, a student working in a library desperately trying to maintain his sanity and an introspective rock climbing instructor.

I have to ask Munio, rock climbing is pretty awesome, how is that going?

I think I'll try writing about a different even of my life. I was originally planning on writing about a day at class, but that too was quite cynical (with a pinch of arrogance) so I'm picking something a bit more passionate.

I have to ask Munio, rock climbing is pretty awesome, how is that going?

I do still try to practice it if possible, im mostly indoors nowerdays. But when i'm on holiday whenever and i get the chance i still grab it with both hands. ^^

I think I'll try writing about a different even of my life. I was originally planning on writing about a day at class, but that too was quite cynical (with a pinch of arrogance) so I'm picking something a bit more passionate.

Well i suppose there is also a great chance to impress the judges with technique rather then contents. Because f written correctly stories about washing clothes can be far more interesting then your standard fantasy gig.

Okay people, time's a-ticking. The contest thread will be locked soon, so get those pens working. I want to see smoke!

PHEW! Just submitted my entry! Looking forward to reviewing everyone else's!

Also, as for the judging, here's how I think it should go down:

First, everyone should try to at least read as many other entries as possible, they're only a handful anyway, and perhaps post your thoughts about them in review form here. Because that's really the point of the contests, getting your efforts read and critiqued. Tell us what you liked and didn't like about the stories.

And for the more experienced writers like deathcon (now I don't hang out here too much so I don't really know what other regulars are published or at least educated well enough in literature) We could try having a small panel that would give ratings to each story. Now of course getting people who haven't entered the contest would be better, but we'll see.

I'll be reviewing everyone's stories soon.

Well, I only got a few paragraphs into my story, and I guess I'm gonna call it quits, like most of my actions of late :( Man, I was gonna try so hard too, but it was my cuz's birthday today and also I have had no motivation for anything since the semester ended. I am excited to see what others have written, and I want to see the results too. I'll read them all, and have critiques/scores for them too. I think that each judge should rank the stories first through "n", and first gets "n" points, second gets "n-1" points and so on, and whoever has the highest cumulative score wins; this is the standard I think.

Oh well/ Good luck everybody -__-

Well, here are my short thoughts on the submissions:

-Deathcon7-
The opening line was great and immediately threw me into the action of the story. You quickly got across the setting and mood and i liked the way you explained the back story in a natural stream of conciousness sort of way. However sometimes i felt a bit distant from the character. In the scene where she grabs his face after arriving at the house his emotional reaction is delayed a few sentences, yes he "slams" the door but that sort of behaviour was already expected before she threatened him. The language throughout was quite literal and to the point but i loved the simile "as if someone had dropped a flame on the alcohol in his veins" though, perhaps "set a flame" or "dropped a match" would have worked better.
As a whole i thought it was very well written, well paced, and interesting story with a satisfying end.

-starwarsjunkie-
As i've said previously this one had me laughing repeatedly. I enjoyed the amusing blend of mundanity and dramatics and you kept this comical theme running throughout in a way that really held the piece together. That said i think some of the sentences read a little awkwardly "pages fluttering as the books containing them flew onto the shelves" and there's some slightly jarring repetition of words and over explaining. eg. "got worse when he heard a cart... ...would not be able to see his face." I think having a little more faith in the readers intuition could aid your writing the style. I liked the ending and how nicely it emphasized all the key elements of the story. i.e the comedy, the repetition and sense of dread.

-munio-
An honest and somewhat earnest tone slightly marred by the large amount of typos. The stories structure was a little odd and i didn't like how you began by having him tell us he was a bad teacher rather than showing us he was through the story. There were some lines i really liked though: "For most men, the tightening of the fabric.. ...more perverse then that" and the self analysis was definitely interesting. I must admit though, i was a little confused about some aspects of the story, was he an expert climber or not? When he says "I still recall her reaction" it makes it seem as though it happened a long time ago but then it seems it was only moments before the writing of the story. Despite these minor confusions it was still and the typos it was still an enjoyable read.

-4urentertainment-
You certainly managed to reproduce those uncomfortable awkward moments of confession and romantic honesty! I really felt the for the protagonist as he got overwhelmed and struggled to express himself. However the sentences didn't flow very smoothly and the word choice often made them seem unnatural. I think "Perhaps that was the reason behind my peculiar state" would be much better written as "Perhaps that explained my peculiar state". Of course that's just one example but there where lots of time when i felt things should have been more organically written. That said i thought the dialogue was excellent and effectively portrayed the atmosphere of the scene.

At 6/2/12 05:05 AM, PIED3 wrote: -4urentertainment-

Thanks for the detailed review! After reading mine and glancing at the others (just so your review doesn't influence my opinions before I write them down) I don't think I can match PIED's meticulous reviews, and I have no formal education in literature past high school, so these are just my opinions as a reader:

-Deathcon7-
I really felt your story was solid, and the language used was precise and suitable for the mood and content. The girl came off as rather spontaneous or unpredictable and I liked seeing how you were struggling to figure out how to deal with the situation, and how the final moments leading to the "climax" all blurred together as they went from almost break up to staying together. I wonder how that relationship went?

-PIED3-
At first glance, your story struck me as a bit too poetic. Your generous use of metaphors and alliterations had me lost at some parts, but I think that all contributes to your unique style. Some of your vocabulary was a bit over my head (so I actually learned a few new words, thanks!) but I did enjoy the story. I think it was quite well written. I actually kind of felt it was too short. I think it would have been really great if you could emphasize the contrast more between his droll and routine world to how it changes in the presence of the girl. Your descriptions were amazingly vivid though!

-starwarsjunkie-
I really enjoyed this one. I think it had a really good balance between his mind wandering around the routine and, as you describe it, "banal" life of working at the library, and actions, telling us of an adventure, struggling to maintain sanity. I felt I could relate a bit, although I've never taken up such a job. The only thing I was waiting for but never happened was perhaps a short part where the character would delve deep into the book. Like, you'd start describing how you were the character in the book, but you wouldn't explicitly tell the reader that you're describing fantasy. Only when he gets interrupted does he snap back and the reader realized that the character was reading a book. But that's just me really, not sure if it's a good or bad idea.

-munio-
I commented on it above but I'll just re-iterate. I appreciated the honesty of your story and actually getting into your mind and reflecting on your actions, questioning your morality, and struggling. It was really interesting. I felt you could have expanded on this a lot though. Like for example, one thing you never mentioned at all (or maybe I was completely oblivious? I read it a few days ago, I don't remember) the scenery you were in. Was this like a practice mountain-contraption built indoors for new climbers to train on? Or were you out on an actual mountian? What did the view look like? What did your female companion look like? I think a lot of these details would help paint a better picture and immerse the reader in your experience.

At 6/2/12 05:05 AM, PIED3 wrote: -Deathcon7-
The opening line was great and immediately threw me into the action of the story. You quickly got across the setting and mood and i liked the way you explained the back story in a natural stream of conciousness sort of way. However sometimes i felt a bit distant from the character. In the scene where she grabs his face after arriving at the house his emotional reaction is delayed a few sentences, yes he "slams" the door but that sort of behaviour was already expected before she threatened him. The language throughout was quite literal and to the point but i loved the simile "as if someone had dropped a flame on the alcohol in his veins" though, perhaps "set a flame" or "dropped a match" would have worked better.
As a whole i thought it was very well written, well paced, and interesting story with a satisfying end.

Thankee. I do agree, sometimes I can belabor the moment and lose that emotional impact. I'll work on that. And yes, as for the simile, that was poorly worded. Not really sure how someone would drop a "flame," per se; "match" would have fit better. I appreciate the input.

At 6/2/12 11:06 AM, 4urentertainment wrote: -Deathcon7-
I really felt your story was solid, and the language used was precise and suitable for the mood and content. The girl came off as rather spontaneous or unpredictable and I liked seeing how you were struggling to figure out how to deal with the situation, and how the final moments leading to the "climax" all blurred together as they went from almost break up to staying together. I wonder how that relationship went?

Thank you, sir. I appreciate the kind words. The story was only a segment of the overall relationship, not an outlier. As for how it went, much like the story it was an emotional, abusive disaster. Great sex, but terrible relationship.

----------------------

-PIED3-

I, personally, didn't like the expository introduction. I always feel like that kills the momentum, the excitement of curiousity going into the thing. Your sentence structure was very stylized, I could see that you wanted to do something, but it took you a bit to hit your stride. There's one sentence in particular, which after that point you really start to hit it. Another thing that irked me was the girl. Because every story involves a girl, I understand your need for one. But she immediately struck me as very characteristically anime-esque. Maybe this is what you're going for; full disclosure, anime chicks annoy the shit out of me.

If there was anything you could do to improve this, it would simply be to strengthen your delivery. The theme could have been more potently delivered if you focused on it throughout. Unfortunately, and especially in the beginning, you seemed to be too "free write-y", dangerously asemic. You want your A.B.Cs to be very tightly compacted. Like Tetris. Tight. Virginal. And not in the inexperienced sense.

"There weren't winsome girls with whims and wishes, all were swapped for societally enforced gender identities spouting commercially enforced material desires wearing uniforms enforced by mass media marketing living lives as instructed by tiresome traditions and endless evolutionary histories." Fuck yes! This sentence really killed it. I noticed after this point you seemed to really gather your wits. It seems you and I have both had a theme of societal conditioning; that's pretty cool!

As an arbitrary score I award you 42. I also award you the honorary Milk-Bone trophy.

-4urentertainment-

Okay, so your story was actually pretty clearly delivered. Your characterization was great, and given the situation, not much embellishment was needed. My issue is with the mood of the story. It was way too innocent. Also, the way you delivered Sarah left her pregnant with so many possibilities, it really derailed your ending. Remember, that an ending is the most important part of a short story. It's supposed to work as a punchline. Really bring the story into sharp focus.

My advice would be to hone in on the facts, and work on that. I picked up a lot of your uncertainty, and your hope, and your insecurity, and your fear; this is great for the narrating character, but it really confused his counterpart. Also, the story's mood really needed some aging. While the delivery was great, extremely consistent in fact, it was like my 13 year old cousin was telling me a story. I don't mean this to be condescending, so take it with a grain of salt. Not really sure what can be done to fix this since your delivery is so closely tied to the mood. Maybe it's just me, and it simply didn't strike the proper chord for me.

But like I said, very consistent delivery. You did well to paint a picture of your internal conflict. That was well done. In the end, I was left wishing I was there with you, help you get through it. I sure remember those days.

As an arbitrary score I award you less than three... because it's so fitting, and when I thought of it I chuckled.

-starwarsjunkie-

The story is very appropriately pedestrian and passes surprisingly quick. I'm not sure what critique I could give. The delivery was solid. The word choice was appropriate. I wasn't bored, despite the fact that the story is about a book shelver at a large library.

Perhaps this lack of commentary can be taken as praise. You succeeded at addressing the prompt. I hate to be nagging, but I don't think you necessarily did more than simply address the prompt. I mean, you captured the spirit of a common work day, you had all the trappings, it just didn't leave me with anything. I hate to split hairs, so I'll leave it at great job!

As an arbitrary score I award you e; namely, because I couldn't think of anything witty, and e, I'm lead to believe, is a fairly important concept in physics. You also get the Cthulhu ribbon.

-munio-

Confessionals weren't really out of the bounds of the competition, but as far as critique goes, there's none that I can offer given the nature of your submission. I will say this: be mindful of what you're trying to say. There are a few instances where your meaning becomes befuddled by your word choice. For example, you said, "... I can begin to phantom..." where you meant, "... I can begin to fathom..."

You want to watch out for things like that. I've seen a lot of smart people say things like "mine is well" or some other phonetic variation of that, where they meant "might as well".

Other than that, the only other thing I can say is congrats. We tend to form really bad habits over time; it's good to notice them and fix them as we can.

As an arbitrary score I award you the word "progress" because I hope you feel it, I hope you have it, and I hope you keep it.

@deftandevil shame you couldn't make it, ah well better luck next time

ah, good reviews all around, i'll post some observations of my own as soon as i can.

For now i just want to give a few quick comments on the critiques (i appreciate the honesty and openess guys)

@pied3: you have a good point, it seems that my plan didnt come across the way i wanted it (having my paragraphs structured "action, thoughts about that action", stating that i'm a bad teacher was the thing that going to my mind at that point so i wrote it down. About the spelling errors, yes they are a grand weakness of mine, especially if im not checking my work afterwards as i did, but i figured it was still fitting enough, considering what i was trying to accomplish

@4urentertainment: due to the personal nature of the piece i figured it would be best only to write down whati found important, if i had to rewrite this piece from a diffrent point of view i would probably be more descriptive. But at that moment i didn care about those things. I was hoping that leaving them out, would help put the focus on my thoughtproces, but apparently it did quite the opposite

@deathcon7: thanks for tips, again the spelling mistakes where mostly due to the fact that i didn't want to read over it a second time, so i didnt get to weed out my spelling errors

Just wanted to post letting you guys know I haven't abandoned this, but with the small turnout of the competition, and the current lack of writers in the forum, does anyone actually want to pursue judging?

I would have already paid the winners if the prize was still in my hands, but after Tom said he'd take care of that I'm not sure if we should really bother him considering that Newgrounds seems to be in a really tight financial spot.

Personally I'm happy with having received feedback on my story and reviewing others' as well.

Thoughts everyone?

At 6/18/12 01:37 AM, 4urentertainment wrote: Just wanted to post letting you guys know I haven't abandoned this, but with the small turnout of the competition, and the current lack of writers in the forum, does anyone actually want to pursue judging?

I would have already paid the winners if the prize was still in my hands, but after Tom said he'd take care of that I'm not sure if we should really bother him considering that Newgrounds seems to be in a really tight financial spot.

Personally I'm happy with having received feedback on my story and reviewing others' as well.

Thoughts everyone?

I think if we did it again, we'd have about the same turn out, give or take a writer. I think fomenting this little group for a while longer should attract other writers. They'll see how much fun we're having.

Point being, let's keep doing this until we get a reasonable turn out, then we can worry about giving out prizes. The feedback was a very healthy, positive step forward, and the cooperation should continue to be encouraged. If that isn't prize enough, oh well.

So, when's the next one?

At 6/18/12 01:37 AM, 4urentertainment wrote: Just wanted to post letting you guys know I haven't abandoned this, but with the small turnout of the competition, and the current lack of writers in the forum, does anyone actually want to pursue judging?

I would have already paid the winners if the prize was still in my hands, but after Tom said he'd take care of that I'm not sure if we should really bother him considering that Newgrounds seems to be in a really tight financial spot.

Personally I'm happy with having received feedback on my story and reviewing others' as well.

Thoughts everyone?

Whatever works. I'm glad to get feedback. I don't really think I'm qualified to judge or critique others, so I can't help you out there.

At 6/21/12 12:29 PM, starwarsjunkie wrote: Whatever works. I'm glad to get feedback. I don't really think I'm qualified to judge or critique others, so I can't help you out there.

But that's the thing. I don't think I'm qualified to judge others on their writing either, but I can still give people my thoughts as a reader, and I think you should do that as well. It's always nice to hear other people's thoughts on your work. If anything, at least comment on the content of the story.

At 6/18/12 09:23 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: I think if we did it again, we'd have about the same turn out, give or take a writer. I think fomenting this little group for a while longer should attract other writers. They'll see how much fun we're having.

Point being, let's keep doing this until we get a reasonable turn out, then we can worry about giving out prizes. The feedback was a very healthy, positive step forward, and the cooperation should continue to be encouraged. If that isn't prize enough, oh well.

So, when's the next one?

Sounds good to me. We could do one starting next month. I haven't really thought of any themes yet though. Any ideas?

At 6/22/12 05:01 PM, 4urentertainment wrote: Sounds good to me. We could do one starting next month. I haven't really thought of any themes yet though. Any ideas?

I've recently been exploring outside of my genre to great effect. I've come to realize I'm writing a thriller, something I'd never imagined I'd be doing. Perhaps something along those lines? Exploring other genres? What was so great and innovative about your idea was that it challenge the writer to explore outsider their comfort zone. I think continuing in that vain would be superb. Plus, I think I already have the foundation for a romance ;P

Sorry for the extreeeeeeeeeemely late post. Hopefully there can some sort of closure to this contest and we can start the next one swinging.

Here's what I thought of the stories, yo:

Deathcon7 - Deathcon's Riveting Truth: Making It

Solid. The protagonist (you) is presented well and is rounded out. But, I feel that the girl is too one-dimensional and feels like a tool or prop that sort of balances you out in the first part (she is wild n crazy; you are calm and rational). She becomes more of a component as the story progresses, and much less of a compliment, which is why I think I enjoyed the first part more. Also I found the ending to be cheesy, but that is just me and I don't think it was that detrimental.
PIED 3 âEU" Untitled

Formatting issues aside (Jesus!), this version is a marked improvement than the one you showed me. However, it still suffers from the same problems (on the other hand, it still succeeds in the same places). I still don't like the insistence in the exposition; I still don't like the extended metaphor; I still don't like the rambling that never really seems to go anywhere; I still think you need to clean up the grammar and introduce more plot/conflict. That being said, I still like the style and language (I always like to "steal" lines from things I read; "sleepless sleepiness" is such a line); I still like the free flow of events (there's more method to the madness this time 'round); I like how you strengthened the narration by making it more personal.

Still, I can see the "incongruence." Reedit and refine âEU¦ and you got a winner.

Starwarsjunkie - Untitled

I can't tell if this was intentional, but I really loved how the pace of the narrative mirrors the pace of working, especially something you consider mundane. It is tense and subdued when you realize that you have to work; it is quiet, quick, and fluid when you get away from the work; it is tense and nervous when you remember your boss. Aside from that, it was a nice little entry without much dragging it down; however, it lacked force. Not really a problem, but not really a good thing, either.

munio âEU" Untitled

It is definitely different to write a confession. It is also an extremely personal one at that. It was intended for us, but this one is for you, not us. That being said, I don't think any of criticism will be helpful.

Anyway, this narrative seems very âEU¦ misdirected. The message could be much, much clearer. Also, there is a lot of telling but very little development. The story meanders before adopting a stream-of-consciousness narrative. This isn't a problem, but I wasn't really affected as much as I could've been.

4urentertainment - Untitled
I'd like to mention that this is the first story I can remember making me physically laugh in forever. There are some parts that need work, such as the overly maudlin narration, the excessive dialogue, etc. However, you do a great job exposing and presenting your fears and your emotional apprehension. With that, I think it's enough to call it a win and go home.