TrevorW writes on stuff and such

[TrevorW]

To bring all the loose topics together:

A Poem I Wrote on a Meat Package

I'm a bird, mother tweet.
"Take a seat and eat, my sweet.
Be beguiled by the swaying heat.
Enjoy its taste: like spoiled treat.
And grip tightly to that seat,
you're licking at feathered meat."

A Poem I Wrote on my Girlfriend

O' Clear-Taurus,
you hang their so.
Such a scrappy hoe;
teasing, blushing,
you swell there,
and I can only stare.

A Poem I wrote On A Napkin

Flaccid worm:
wiggling so fruitlessly;
tantalized endlessly--
its slimy juices pulsing.
It comes no closer;
flopping horizontally.
So, stiffen six-fold
and taste the nectar.
Or dry up lying there
shaded only by
a loose thicket of brush.

[TrevorW]

I want attention: bump.

[TrevorW]

A friend of mine, I wrote on him too

He said to be, precariously:
"Dear friend, you fool;
your life is a stinky dried stool.
Your ambition is narrow,
your perception is fallow.
Hell, you're hardly thinking;
the media does that for you.
But.. I love you.

Shall we get coffee Sunday?"

[TrevorW]

Father figure: "Would you care for some eggs son?"
Son: "Well, I would care for some eggs but I am late for school."
Father figure: "I could put them in a brown bag."|
Son: "We are out of brown bags, dad. You would know that if you ever left the kitchen."
Father figure: "You know that I have to have breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the table or your mother gets mad."
Son: "You know, I asked Shelly out today."
Father figure: "Great! What did she say?"
Son: "She said she likes real men. How could I be a man when my dad is a housewife?"
Father figure: "I see. Well, tell her that I may make food for my family today. But there reason why I never leave the kitchen is because I had my legs blown off in Iraq. Also, tell her that she is kinda like eggs in a brown bag.
Son: "How so?"
Father figure: "Only a man would look past the stupidity of putting eggs in a bag."

[DeftAndEvil]

At 1/22/12 12:57 AM, TrevorW wrote: Father figure: "Would you care for some eggs son?"...

A very surreal, and oddly brilliant dialogue.

[TrevorW]

At 1/22/12 01:31 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

At 1/22/12 12:57 AM, TrevorW wrote: Father figure: "Would you care for some eggs son?"...

A very surreal, and oddly brilliant dialogue.

Hey thanks, I was being serious in writing that one.

[Stoferin]

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636356-trevorw.m p3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636357-eggs-and-
friend.mp3

Here is a quick take of the writings above.

[TrevorW]

At 1/23/12 11:54 PM, Stoferin wrote: http://audioboo.fm/boos/636356-trevorw.m p3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636357-eggs-and-
friend.mp3

Here is a quick take of the writings above.

Awesome. I enjoyed that very much so :) Thanks.

[FairSquare]

At 1/22/12 12:57 AM, TrevorW wrote: Father figure: "Would you care for some eggs son?"

I really liked this dialog. Surreal, with humor. And it's cool how things suddenly turn around and change perspective.
Don't really have criticism, sorry.

[TrevorW]

At 1/24/12 06:14 PM, FairSquare wrote:

At 1/22/12 12:57 AM, TrevorW wrote: Father figure: "Would you care for some eggs son?"

I really liked this dialog. Surreal, with humor. And it's cool how things suddenly turn around and change perspective.
Don't really have criticism, sorry.

Hey, thanks.

[Deathcon7]

I found it to be both pedantic and obtuse. It insists upon itself.

[Vukcic]

At 1/30/12 04:12 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: I found it to be both pedantic and obtuse. It insists upon itself.

Using words like "pedantic" and "obtuse" don't lend to constructive criticism. At least explain why you feel this way or you might as well not have said anything.

[Vukcic]

At 11/27/11 06:11 PM, TrevorW wrote:

To bring all the loose topics together:

A Poem I Wrote on a Meat Package

I'm a bird, mother tweet.
"Take a seat and eat, my sweet.
Be beguiled by the swaying heat.
Enjoy its taste: like spoiled treat.
And grip tightly to that seat,
you're licking at feathered meat."

I really like that. Great rhythm. The last two lines sort of disrupt the melody of the previous lines. I'd suggest adding a one syllable word between "at" and "feathered" in the last line. It's a clever idea, writing poems on everyday objects. You should do that literally, if you haven't, and photograph them.

A Poem I Wrote on my Girlfriend

O' Clear-Taurus,
you hang their so.
Such a scrappy hoe;
teasing, blushing,
you swell there,
and I can only stare.

I'm never really a fan of this sort of thing. Call me a prude, I don't care. You used the wrong their. Should be there. Also, disregard my previous suggestion. You probably won't want to photograph this one.

A Poem I wrote On A Napkin

Flaccid worm:
wiggling so fruitlessly;
tantalized endlessly--
its slimy juices pulsing.
It comes no closer;
flopping horizontally.
So, stiffen six-fold
and taste the nectar.
Or dry up lying there
shaded only by
a loose thicket of brush.

Nice imagery. I don't get the correlation between the subject matter and the title however. Overall though I'd say you have a good ear for meter and interesting visuals, though IMHO the poems' actual meanings aren't my preference. I liked "So, stiffen six-fold". Great alliteration and context.

[Deathcon7]

At 1/30/12 09:53 PM, Vukcic wrote:

At 1/30/12 04:12 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: I found it to be both pedantic and obtuse. It insists upon itself.

Using words like "pedantic" and "obtuse" don't lend to constructive criticism. At least explain why you feel this way or you might as well not have said anything.

I find your review of my review pedantic and obtuse. It insists upon itself.

[TrevorW]

Hey thanks, Vuk. Yea, the content is rather... heh. What can I say, I was bored and felt silly.

Deathcon, I miss you you asshat :D

[Deathcon7]

At 1/31/12 12:39 AM, TrevorW wrote: Deathcon, I miss you you asshat :D

Prove it. Gimme something juicy you want critiqued.

>:)

[TrevorW]

At 2/3/12 09:35 AM, Deathcon7 wrote:

At 1/31/12 12:39 AM, TrevorW wrote: Deathcon, I miss you you asshat :D

Prove it. Gimme something juicy you want critiqued.

>:)

I haven't written fiction in the longest. These poems were just stuff I pooped out when I as bored one night.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 1/22/12 12:57 AM, TrevorW wrote: Father figure: "Would you care for some eggs son?"

I adapted this into a one-page short story for my fiction writing class/workshop. I was behind and I wrote two other stories, and the third story had to have a refrain, which I wanted something to be original and seemingly random. The refrain was "would you like some eggs, son?" and I used the same punchline.

I hope that was alright!

[TrevorW]

At 4/27/12 01:26 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

I hope that was alright!

Sure was. I would hardly call it a unique creation of mine ;)