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Comic Jam Comments and Critique

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Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-22 20:06:48


Hello everyone.

The Comic Jam is over, and was a minor success with 9 total comics submitted. I am making this thread to ask the Newgrounds population to offer their comments and critique of each of the comics. Everyone worked hard to get their comics out on time (for no reward), and it would be great if everyone could take a little of their time to tell the artists what you thought of their comics.

Without further ado, here are the comics that were submitted (in random order, using random.org/lists). The theme was "Night".

Kuoke - Red Light, Black Light
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3

Aigis - Waking Dreams
Part 1 / Part 2

Knocturne - Vampire Song
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / Page 7

Fifty-50 - Codename: Athenos
Page 1

M-Vero (Characters) & Felis (Backgrounds and Story) - Art Whores in: Vigilantes, Eh?
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / Page 7 / Page 8 / Page 9

Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / Page 7 / Page 8 / Page 9 / Page 10 / Page 11 / Page 12

Ramatsu - Amaterasu The Sun Goddess
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6

lovingthedark (Illustrations) & Wivernryder (Writing & Storyboards) - Herp Derp
Link

bilalz - Detective Funsize
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4


Aigis - Putting the 'ai' back in 'Aigis'.

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Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-22 21:09:30


At 8/22/11 08:06 PM, Aigis wrote: Kuoke - Red Light, Black Light

Nice, I really enjoyed the use of lighting and color. Some of it seemed a little messy


Aigis - Waking Dreams

Even if you were a couple pages shy, I would say you hit your mark, no problem. Excellent art, decent situational story. Over all, Great.


Knocturne - Vampire Song

Real sketchy and pretty obviously rushed. Story was ok, but vampires just aren't my thing.


Fifty-50 - Codename: Athenos

Really Bad Ass art. I would have loved to see more though.


M-Vero (Characters) & Felis (Backgrounds and Story) - Art Whores in: Vigilantes, Eh?

Probably the funniest storie sumbited. And the art matched well too. Excellent use of the art forum characters.


Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children

Meh lazy art

>:P
Ramatsu - Amaterasu The Sun Goddess

Same as we already discussed. Good art, alright story, Clean up the panels and get some space between them.


lovingthedark (Illustrations) & Wivernryder (Writing & Storyboards) - Herp Derp

Interesting layout. A little underwhelming story to be honest. Art was decent.


bilalz - Detective Funsize

A rather random and stylized comic. Short, but a pretty direct final punchline that was pretty good. Nice art, a little inconsistent though. Great use of colors.


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Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-23 02:27:51


At 8/22/11 08:06 PM, Aigis wrote: Kuoke - Red Light, Black Light

I enjoyed this comic a lot. The writing's cheesy, though I imagine that it's supposed to be, and it works for the story it's telling. It recalls the writing style of writers like Frank Miller. There are a couple of awkward sentences (I'm not sure 'constricted' makes sense on the first page), but nothing that breaks the flow of the comic.

The art as well reminds me of Frank Miller's Sin City, though much more palatable to me (reading Sin City hurts my eyes), and the art is where the comic shines. I particularly like the perspective shot of the gun on page 2, and the detail on Shaggy McHardboiled's face. I'd like to see more in this style.

Knocturne - Vampire Song

I understand that this is based on a song that Knocturne and his band wrote. I like the art, though it is sketchy. If the time was taken to ink this and make it all pretty it would look good. The story was a little hard to follow. I didn't notice the title in the first place, but I did get that it was about vampires from the pages without that (though it was later explained to me that they're not quite vampires, but people on a drug called 'Ghost').

This seems like it would work well as the music video that it basically already is (without the music). I don't care much for the font used or the way in which it is overlayed onto the art itself. It makes it hard to read. Other than that, a good effort.

Also I inked the first page of his comic for some reason: here.

Fifty-50 - Codename: Athenos

It's too bad only one page of this was made because this looks like it could be really good. I like the Vega-like design of the main character. The art looks good as usual, and the cross-hatching works really well in this comic. The writing's a bit awkward, but it's a timed comic so I'll give it a pass for that.

There's a bit of a problem with the panel flow. I found my eyes moving from top left to top right, rather than top left to bottom left at the beginning, which left me confused while reading it. It wasn't until I understood that the whole left half was one panel that I figured out how the comic flowed. It's the main character overlapping the top right panel that's the problem I think.

I'd like to see you make more of this.

M-Vero (Characters) & Felis (Backgrounds and Story) - Art Whores in: Vigilantes, Eh?

This is probably my favourite of the comics submitted. It's definitely the funniest. The art is great; in particular the full-page Jonny picture is probably my favourite image in the jam. The writing is to the point and humourous.

As for critique I'd say that at certain points the interplay between the characters and the backgrounds didn't work too well. The coloured and more detailed backgrounds stood out too much and drove my attention away from the cute, emotive characters. That was only in the non-black and white portions though. Plus, for readability it might have been a good idea to include a panel showing one of the 'whores' with a gun. Other than that, excellent.


Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children

Another one I liked a lot. Also the longest one that wasn't mine, so good job. The art is good, if a little bit inconsistent. I like the drawings of the strees and the final panel a lot. I'm not sure the purpose of the perspective shots of the boy and his mother. If they're supposed to make the boy look short compared to his mother, they don't really work (they just make the boy look tall).

The story is interesting enough, but my biggest criticism is that it doesn't really tie into the theme of 'night'. The only link to 'night' is the crescent moon in the final panel. It doesn't really matter for anything in the end, but it WAS the challenge, Kinsei.


Ramatsu - Amaterasu The Sun Goddess

Probably the most original use of the theme, having the main character be a sun god and blacking out the sun. An eclipse isn't REALLY night, but I'll give it a pass for it being functionally the same thing.

The art's good. Some interesting panel compositions. It's done in pencil, yet the art looks clean and attractive. The writing's a little awkward and difficult to follow. The story seems rushed, and may have needed a few more pages (I understand that there wasn't enough time for this). Quite a few grammatical and punctuation mistakes (learn the difference between 'your' and 'you're). I don't really understand why so many words are capitlised.

lovingthedark (Illustrations) & Wivernryder (Writing & Storyboards) - Herp Derp

I enjoyed this one. Simple and fun, and the art is good. It's organised more like a painting series than a comic book, which I like for the novelty, and which works well here. I knew the concept since its inception but it still made me laugh when I saw it.

A little bit of a problem with the last panel not quite communicating that he's fallen on the floor. It could just as easily be a shot of him from underneath with his feet outstretched over the end of the bed. Plus the detail in the face looked a little bit creepy in a couple of the panels. Overall a good comic that I enjoyed.

bilalz - Detective Funsize

A simple punchline-based comic. Got a style going on. I'm not really a huge fan of reusing panels in comics, as you have done in the last page. The writing's a little awkward, but I enjoyed the 'I am already there' part for broad comedy. The delivery of the punchline was a little too explanatory for my tastes.

The word balloons are kinda lifeless, being made with the ellipse tool. Drawing them out yourself would be better next time you make a comic. The text itself is kinda haphazardly placed in the bubbles, when it should really be in the middle each time. I don't care for the use of 'arial' as the font in the comic. There are thousands of great free fonts on the internet that you can use in comics. I would suggest Blambot.com.

---

Overall, a high quality of submissions for this comic jam. Good job everyone.


Aigis - Putting the 'ai' back in 'Aigis'.

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Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-23 20:17:57


At 8/22/11 08:06 PM, Aigis wrote: Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / Page 7 / Page 8 / Page 9 / Page 10 / Page 11 / Page 12

With apologies to Kinsei, I apparently linked page 10 twice.

Here's the real page 11:

Page 11.


Aigis - Putting the 'ai' back in 'Aigis'.

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Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-23 21:18:56


I consider the Comic Jam a success, even though there were "only" 9 submissions, I think the quality really makes up for that. And 9 is not bad for a first comic jam actually. As for the commenting, I will TRY to keep it short.

Kuoke - Red Light, Black Light

Really dark themed comic, with that "Sin City" feel, that has already been mentioned.

As much as I like the style, sometimes it is hard to realize what's going on in the panels. A thing that really interupts the reader, which is not helping the comic.

But the art is definitely catching and suits the comic well. Nice work on the close-ups too.

The story is not the most original thing, but it's nicely done and well delivered.

I like how you did the speech bubbles, making the text stick out of them here and there.

Nice choice with white letters in black speech bubbles, supports the style and is easy to read.

Overall the art and style are the strongest part of this comic. If you team up with a talented writer, you could blow us away. Not saying your writing was bad though.

Aigis - Waking Dreams

You really set the bar for this comic jam and you did not set it low.

What can I say about this comic, that is not obvious? It is well drawn, well written, funny and simply feels "complete".

Impressive how you drew everything with just black and white. It really looks like one of these short comics you could find in a newspaper.

Original story with a well delivered ending.

I especially like the different facial expressions.

Overall a great comic.

Knocturne - Vampire Song

I did not get that this was based on one of your band's songs until Aigis mentioned it, but once I read that, the origin as a song is recognizable.

Regarding the art, it is well done even though it is sketchy. I don't like way you darkened the panels especially on the first pages. Not because the darkening was a bad idea, but because it makes it kinda hard to see what was going on.

The protagonist was well done, the rest could have used some work, but I can understand that this is due to the time restraint.

I would lie if I said that I got it on the first read, I did in fact read it three times to realize what the story is about.

The story in this case, is the strongest part.

You should have teamed up with one more artist so you don't have to do so many pages all on your own. That way you could have spent more time polishing the comic.

I can see why you chose to use a font rather than handwriting after the first panel, but I neither like the font choice, nor the colour nor the layout.

Overall a good entry that benefits from the story and your songs lyrics. Art-wise it should have been polished a bit.

Fifty-50 - Codename: Athenos

Finish that dammit!!!!!!

I see that this is going into a somewhat often used story for anime comics, but really, this looks so awesome.

Did I already say that you should finish this? DO IT!

M-Vero (Characters) & Felis (Backgrounds and Story) - Art Whores in: Vigilantes, Eh?

Brilliant one! I think this is the most funny one.

Nice how you used some recognizable art forum "features".

The story is really original and the art is decent of course.

The twisted ending really added to the humour. Also the obligatory cock joke. Well done.

It's a bit weird that the style of the drawings change a little in different panels, but then again it adds to the humour.

The text is kinda hard to read sometimes. I appreciate that you tried to do it by hand, but a little more readability would be appreciated.

Overall a pretty funny comic, with great art, a random story, art whores and Big-Jonny-13. What more can you ask for? :P

Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children

Good story good art. I personally like this one a lot. Mainly because you managed to tell the story without any words.

But I also really like how you draw the forest.

The part with the boy next to his mom is nicely done in terms of bringing the story across, but the perspective is a bit overdone.

What I don't like is the vast amount of white. The panels are mostly white and there is too much white space around the panels sometimes.

If you had enough time, you should have added some shades to the drawings to have some more dark parts to it, but I take it, you didn't do it because of the time restraint.

The final panel is really great, that great actually that it deserves to be mentioned seperately.

Overall a great submission of course. You could have teamed up with someone to find the time to add some shading though. That would make it an even stronger piece.

Ramatsu - Amaterasu The Sun Goddess

Nice classic anime styled comic. I like how you managed to keep everything clean and tidy even though you worked with pencil.

The drawings are pretty nice. The text is good to read but the letters are still a bit inconsistent, I would advice using a suiting font instead.

You should also check your writing, there are capitalized words every here and there and some punctuation is missing. It disturbs the reading flow a little.

Generally the story is nothing incredibly original but it's still interesting.

As a reader, I would know how the story continues, that's a good sign. Maybe the main goal for every story teller.

The art itself is nicely done and the anime style goes well with the setting.

Overall a good entry that I would like to see inked someday if possible.

lovingthedark (Illustrations) & Wivernryder (Writing & Storyboards) - Herp Derp

Pretty funny one here. The art is just great, what more can I say about it?

The last panel should show a slightly larger view of the room, so the reader instantly gets what happened. I did not get it on my first read.

There is no real story that could be commented, but for the sake of giving a smile to the reader, that sacrifice is acceptable.

Overall a strong piece art wise and a very good piece idea wise.

bilalz - Detective Funsize

Funny cartoony submission. The style you used goes very well with a comic and you put in some nice jokes in there.

You should have watched your speech bubbles a bit more. Sometimes they are too big for the text and most times it's not centered, horizontally or vertically.

Once or twice the sentences do not start with a capitalized word like they should.

I don't know why the first page is blue and the rest is grey. It would have been nice if all pages had a different colour or if the pages happening in the office had a grey colour and everything happening in Chef Franz's kitchen was blue.

You could have used a different colour for every page too.

Overall a funny cartoony submission. You should work a little on the speech bubbles and maybe use a different font.

You can find some good resources for fonts here: http://art101.newgrounds.com/news/post/5 69368

-----

Nice work to all people who submitted. I hope to see you in a possible second comic jam again.


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Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-24 04:29:07


Kuoke - Red Light, Black Light
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3

Overuse of the word "Ain't". Only reason I could imagine that you used "constricted" because you were originally going to use dilated but that wouldn't make any sense because light doesn't make eyes do that, so you quickly googled "opposite of dilate" and trusted someone on Yahoo Answers.

Aigis - Waking Dreams
Part 1 / Part 2

Overall good, thought I felt like there was a part during middle where it seemed to disengage with the rest of the comic.

Knocturne - Vampire Song
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / Page 7

Alright, but it seemed rushed and sketchy so no real criticisms about the art. Oh and also "Comic Sans".

Fifty-50 - Codename: Athenos
Page 1

I agree with the person above who mentioned the direction of the panels/text - I managed to read to the bottom of the page before realising there was a sizable chunk to the bottom left which I instinctively presumed to be credits. Other than that, pretty solid in respects to your general quality of work on the forums.

M-Vero (Characters) & Felis (Backgrounds and Story) - Art Whores in: Vigilantes, Eh?
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / Page 7 / Page 8 / Page 9

A genuine"Lol" is my only real comment. The 'U's' on the last page I thought were fish scales for some reason.

Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6 / Page 7 / Page 8 / Page 9 / Page 10 / Page 11 / Page 12

I feel like there was a lot of unnecessary empty space in the earlier pages - it worked on some of the later pages though. I think you mentioned you didn't put as much effort as you could have into it and I guess it shows.

Ramatsu - Amaterasu The Sun Goddess
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5 / Page 6

The thing with an anime style story is that it relies on a considerable amount of back story which in a 200 episode long series can be explained through flashbacks and whatnot, but you squashed it all into the first page leaving the rest of the comic to lack a real story other than "heroine regains consciousness, plot twist, end".

lovingthedark (Illustrations) & Wivernryder (Writing & Storyboards) - Herp Derp
Link

I don't really know - Artsy perhaps? My commentary on this would be for me too look at a table and say "Yep, it's a table alright".

bilalz - Detective Funsize
Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4

I think the only thing that tied this to the night was the fact that it was 9pm. The panelling and page setup seemed a bit strewn. I suggest that more thought and precision be put into the layout as it's a fairly important part of any graphic story.


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Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-29 03:38:14


Kuoke - Red Light, Black Light
Great art but a little too messy had a little difficulty following because of it. I wish I could say something about the story but it ends a little too prematurely . This is the most arts in an abstract way of the comics. Gets the abstract award.

Aigis - Waking Dreams
The comic the most professional and well rounded of the group. Most professional award and Silver Medal.

Knocturne - Vampire Song
One of the best storyline but I found it very hard to follow. I must have went through the comic 6 times before I felt like I understood what was going on. cleaned up and detailed this could be very good. Gets the poet's award.

Fifty-50 - Codename: Athenos
This is short so there isn't much to go off of. The art is very detailed but the writing needs a little work. The general flow is a less than optimal and there are out of place phrases that seem to be responding to a part of the comic I missed. For example,
"the dangers after dark aren't exactly mundane to begin with" suggests that the character is defending himself from accusations that aren't present in the comic. The phrase "to begin with" is completely unnecessary and the line would be stronger without it. The next line skips from the unpersonified subject, "dangers", to a personified "they" without introduction or transition. Again making me wonder if I missed a line somewhere. Also in my opinion "It's basically" should be "We are" I'd like to see more.

M-Vero (Characters) & Felis (Backgrounds and Story) - Art Whores in: Vigilantes, Eh?
The comic was funny and fairly complete. Definitely had the best final punchline of the group. The camera angle could have been better in some places to help flow. For example the first page shows his foot but the second page starts out with his head going down to his feet. Logically it should have gone up from the heal since that is where the first page left off. Also the "convenient" line should not be placed in a zoomed in face-shot because it looks like the villain is saying it. A shot with the back of their heads looking down the street and a shadowy full body figure in the distance would work much better. There was also a slight issue with the legibility of the text. Using a computer font would prevent illegibility. Gets the Falcon Punchline Award and Gold Medal.

Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children
I really liked this one. The repeated camera angle and layout in page 4 and 9 is probably the only part I thought would be better changed. Gets the Folk Lore Award.

Ramatsu - Amaterasu The Sun Goddess
Well I enjoyed the level of detail and variation of camera shots. The story tho suddenly stopped was pretty interesting. The writing needs a little bit of a grammar check and proofreading. I noticed a strong Japanese influence in naming and art. Mythology Award and Bronze Medal.

lovingthedark (Illustrations) & Wivernryder (Writing & Storyboards) - Herp Derp
Excellent art work simple and a little funny. Belongs in a Sunday Newspaper Award.

bilalz - Detective Funsize
Fun little cartoony strip. You could find a way to make the font more seamless with the comic. Most Bang per Frame Award.

Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-29 05:56:36


Kouke
Awesome art style for this. The sin city style fits perfectly with the "fucked up underworld" setting. Though there isn't much in terms of story the monologue essentially states that this is a fucked up then he kills someone. This would make a great intro sequence to a full comic

Knocturne
I like how t as he remembers what he's fighting for his world gets brighter and brighter and finally ending pretty much white; that was a very cool way that the narrative and the the art worked together.
I do notice a dip in quality from the first page to the last.

Aigis
while this could have been due to time constraints You made good use of the insomnia thing by not having any backgrounds it gave the comic the feel that we weren't really in normal reality. The conversation was pretty interesting to follow.

Fifty-50
Your art as usual is nice to look at. Obviously it is short an doesn't tell a story though so there's not much to critique.

M-Vero & Felis
The art was good though a bit messy in some places, I liked the story, it was silly plus you get extra points for throwing Jonny and his ninja stars.

Kinsei01
I liked the story, though better use of shading making the atmosphere darker would've enhanced the creepiness in the story a lot made it feel darker and more ominous

Ramatsu
The art and the story are very good, and consistent throughout. I liked the ending of it. not much to critiques since its overall very solid

Lovingthedark & Wivernryder
The scenes are all pretty to look at, but it took me a while to figure out that he had fallen off the bed, but when I did it made the comic significantly better.

Bilalz
This was a fun little thing, though I think you could have done with a greater color palette and some shading.


Art Thread. Art Page. Facebook. Tumblr. I am currently using a tablet so spelling and grammar errors will happen.

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Response to Comic Jam Comments and Critique 2011-08-31 18:21:12



Kuoke - Red Light, Black Light
I like the concept of this piece, reminds me of sin city. i say the only thing wrong with it was that it was abit to short. Keep up the good work.
Aigis - Waking Dreams

i enjoyed reading this alot, I don't know how you got so many pages done in such little time. I think you had way to much time on your hands man. Very skeptical maybe you did this with "MAGIC!", all around good piece.


Knocturne - Vampire Song

I like how you based your concept on one of your bands songs. thats a neat idea, the sketchyness though at some parts i found hard to follow. overall not a bad piece keep up the good work!

Fifty-50 - Codename: Athenos

COME ON Fifty! this was looking intense but i think you should have occupied your time a little better and not worry so much on details. what i found terribly wrong though was it was 1 PAGE! (Rage!) but all in all Great piece.


M-Vero (Characters) & Felis (Backgrounds and Story) - Art Whores in: Vigilantes, Eh?

I found this abit funny, took down Big-jonny ( i dont think i spelled that right.) and go and have some pizza. long enough to get its story across. good job to the both of you.

Kinsei01 (and pals) - Children

I enjoyed this, the only problem with it was the lack of darkness in the piece. The story told it-self with out words i thought that was kool, it reminds me of the boy who cried wolf for some reason. great piece Kinsei and pals.

Ramatsu - Amaterasu The Sun Goddess

Ill say that the writing is atrocious. i had to Hurry up and get to my neighbors house and get the scans done. a total of about 5 hours put into this the whole weekend i was pretty busy. but i am proud to say i got something in- in such a short amount of time.


lovingthedark (Illustrations) & Wivernryder (Writing & Storyboards) - Herp Derp

All these pieces are well done, i like the concept of it and it was pretty funny.You didnt need any words to tell the story great work keep it up!

bilalz - Detective Funsize

I like this concept, short and simple. I think you should have put the words in a different font though. very humorous and not a bad piece. i enjoyed this one the most to be honest.

Well my critiques are very short usually but have to get going soon. i stick to being simple and not elaborate on much. everyones done a good job from my point of view, and i think the Comic Jam was a success. ill leave you guys with a Congratulations on making the Comic Jam what it is. Hope there will be another like this in the future, But Hopefully more time will be given.


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