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Writing Review Request

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Writing Review Request 2010-07-02 10:15:34


Looking for some quality feedback and not your mom telling you it's awesome?
On a quest to hone your writing skills, yet unable to attract the right crowd to help you out?
Curious about your fellow writers' work and eager to aid them on their path to greatness?

Have no fear, the Writing Forum is here! Oh, yes!

In this thread you can share your writings and get the praise or complete and utter annihilation it deserves.

To smooth things over, there are some guidelines in place to ensure feedback is kept flowing.

Review for a Review

Or in other words "You'll scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."
No one really likes it when you come barging in, throw yo shizzle on da tizzle and leave it at that. Read other people's work, share your thoughts with them, help them out and you'll be given not only gratitude but also the honour of someone else reading your work.
Now how cool is that?

Step up to the plate, critique your fellow writers' work and receive the same love. It's better to give than to be lazy.

Don't post your epic 40 page story here

If there's something that will discourage people from reading your tales, it's a giant, baby eating wall of text.
It is therefore mandatory that you post your writings outside of this thread.

Create another thread just for your stuff, upload it in a document to a filehost, open up a typewith.me page or post it on your Userpage.

Provide a link here.

Provide a little information

Dropping a few lines describing your story or poem is a lot more inviting than just an URL.
Let potential critics know what to expect, is it an epic space drama? Or perhaps musings on finding that special someone in the drag that is everyday life?
How many words does it contain? What element do you want to be reviewed specifically?

Anything that can help is a good thing.

----------------------------------------
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That is all.

Now let the feedback firing... begin!


- The Run -- Cargo || The Run -- Drop - The Run is an episodic sci-fi story, click the image to go to the Main Page.

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-07-02 11:10:40


Release.

For a little bit, I was in a relationship with a girl. Before I met her, my life was pretty boring, and I didn't really have much to live for. I met her, and that changed. I found someone I could love, someone I could genuinely care about for myself.

When she broke up with me, I was devastated. I didn't want her to feel that too, so I told her to let me go, and forget that I even existed. I wanted her to come back to me, but even more than that, I just wanted her to be happy. Release is a poem about that.


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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-07-02 12:23:01


Basically, this story was based on my frustrations concerning how I'm not getting anything done, because of my incessent procastinating. It needs some help, and I'd greatly appreciate a review.

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1178 494


I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing

Than teach 10,000 stars how not to dance.

-- ee cummings

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-07-02 16:52:36


At 7/2/10 11:10 AM, DM692 wrote: Release.

Poetry is not my forte, so I'll leave that to the people who actually know what they're talking about.

At 7/2/10 12:23 PM, Dubbi wrote: It needs some help, and I'd greatly appreciate a review.

Done and done, check your thread.

Well, time to give this a spin:

The Run - Cargo is the first installment of a sci-fi series I'm working on during the summer called The Run. It revolves around Joe, a Runner, which is basically a term for freelance pilots smuggling questionable goods between worlds.

I set this project up to hone my writing skills, build some discipline and try to really create a world with interesting characters, but in a bit size episodic structure so I don't keep writing months on end.

This first chapter sets up the world, the protagonist and several other characters and while I can probably point out things I dislike myself, I'd like to get some fresh eyes on it to see what's what.
Even though I'm already working on part deux, feedback is always welcome.

It's just over 4 pages and all subsequent chapters will be around the same length.


- The Run -- Cargo || The Run -- Drop - The Run is an episodic sci-fi story, click the image to go to the Main Page.

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-07-10 14:08:58


The Run: Drop
Link to typewith.me doc.

Just in time for my personal deadline...

'Drop' continues where 'Cargo' left off so it's recommended you read that one first. I've included a link in the typewith.me doc itself, but you can find it on my userpage as well.
Clicking my name will in fact take you straight to it.

It clocks in at 2972 words, spread out over 5 pages.

Thanks in advance.


- The Run -- Cargo || The Run -- Drop - The Run is an episodic sci-fi story, click the image to go to the Main Page.

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-07-11 07:50:56


My Writing

Well, I have to say if you're into erotica involving blood and cuts... this is your place. There's BDSM there too. So... yeah.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-11 04:17:58


Blammer is a Newgrounds based fanfiction, surrounding my climb up the ladder oft he all time Blammers. This is the 26th episode of the series, though there is a gap of episodes 2-17, because I wasn't writing them and I'm gradually working my way through them.

If you could comment on this, or write some feedback here, I'd appreciate it.

Also, I've done a tale of werewolves around Worcester, UK. It's called Into The Darkness and has been online for 18 months now, without a single review.

Happy reading :D


Will it ever end. Yes, all human endeavour is pointless ~ Bill Bailey

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-11 11:06:01


At 11/11/10 04:17 AM, Coop83 wrote: Happy reading :D

Will review the former. The latter, however, is inaccessible.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-11 11:09:47


Look at my sig. Click the link. I would really appreciate it if someone gave me a detailed critique.


When I got outside, the purple fog was spreading. I covered my nose and mouth, and ran home.

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-11 15:53:16


At 11/11/10 11:06 AM, Deathcon7 wrote:
At 11/11/10 04:17 AM, Coop83 wrote: Happy reading :D
Will review the former. The latter, however, is inaccessible.

Thanks for the feedback - I guess I gave the wrong link. I hate fanfiction.net, but until the Writing Portal is sorted, I've got to make do, I'm afraid.

New Link


Will it ever end. Yes, all human endeavour is pointless ~ Bill Bailey

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-12 21:26:52


As a general notice, and I hope as many people read this as possible, I won't be doing any more reviews unless requested through this thread. I take my opinion in high regard, and I'd like to think others too. To avoid wasting my own time I've decided in only reviewing by requests. To ensure you receive at least 1 review of your work, post up here, and spread the word. If reviews are all organized through this thread, we can ensure no one's time is wasted, and everyone gets a review.

Coop, I read into the Darkness. The following is my critique. Enjoy!

So, the first thing I noticed is that the narrative is very pedestrian. The super/preternatural elements seem to be tacked on for added intrigue, but don't affect the pace of the story. It's like the hero is plopped into this society in a relatively peaceful period. Unfortunately, that doesn't make for a very intersting read. You need to make this main character not only more conflicted about these changes, you need to make the world more conflicted. The warriors need to be battle hardened, and everyone has a whole needs to be more shielded. After all, these are warriors, they're not going to be so forthcoming about themselves. Think of it as private battles, the more information you give a person, and the less you receive, the more advantage they have; add more social dynamics. This is what I mean when I say it's very pedestrian. Everything is just so open and available, very normal, very relaxed, non-chalant, unconflicted. It's hard to explain, but pedestrian really sums it up.

Another thing that I noticed was the weak character interactions. You need to mix things up, make the members of the group less agreeable. At no point do the four "party" members get into a disagreement, or argue on a perspective. There also seems to be immediate shipping going on, which is one thing that a reader can get into immediately, and should definitely be made worth reading through. This shipping builds to quickly and the obvious connections come on too soon.

One area that did work out is that the four members of the party complimented each other. You can see them coming from four different tutelages. For the sake of the story, this is a really great thing and will allow you create lots of dramatic or conflicted situations. It also makes the characters seem more authentic. Few things define a person better than what they can and can't do.

I'll have to also commend you on your world. You've got so much content, and so much potential. You can do so much within this world that's it's easy to see this going far beyond what you already have. I can see myself half way into a novel about this, and still read things I didn't know. If you've ever read Brandon sanderson, he's the same way. Very, very deep worlds. Unfortunately, bland writing. On the flip side, you have Brent Weeks. Worlds not as deep, but addictive writing.

while you do have a very deep world, however, you don't use this to your advantage. You don't allow the world to reveal itself to the reader. Instead, you dumb a shit ton of information all at once. The best illustration I can give you is: imagine you're in a classroom. Imagine it's your first day. And imagine on this very first day, the teach goes over a week's worth of material. This can be a good and bad thing; good thing: instant gratification, you know what the teacher was going to teach that week; bad thing: you remember barely anything, there's a 95% chance you'll get bored within the first 20 minutes, 100% chance you'll get bored within the first 45 minutes, and a 50% chance you'll be asleep at the hour. That being said, you need to take your reader on a ride. One great way I've learned to eliminate info dumps is by doing one of two things: adding a sense of urgency, or adding a need for the character to know the information, which they will then put to immediate use (they're told how to make a sword, then the character makes a sword to fight the final boss). The former, a sense of urgency, allows you to push out only what you need for the character to take that next step. The latter, a sense of necessity, does the same thing but in a lower level stress situation, and shows the immediate value of the information.

A familiar issue I had with this is the passive voice. The narrative lends itself so easily to go from the hills one paragraph, to inside Gareth's home the next. I've had this problem, where you're not sure how to deal with transit. In those cases, you need to either start a new chapter, or give a visual time elipses by adding another line between the two paragraphs. The passive voice also encourages a passive tone to the story. The character is getting sucked into this other living world, but it doesn't feel like it. You need to have more conflict, more drama, more action, more urgency; this character has become a warewolf, the catalyst of your story, this is an Oh Shit moment, make the reader say "Oh shit!"

Here's an example of all it'll take to go from a passive voice, to active voice:

"After a chorus of general approval, we headed toward the bookshop and the step into the unknown."

"'I have a bad feeling about this,' I said as we headed toward the bookshop. And with great reason. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach was getting worse with each step."

That's about all the critique/advice I was able to muster. In all, I can really see this as an enthralling read once it's reworked to capture the mood of the idea better. The world is all there, the premise is great, and you can go in a lot of really good directions. To summarize the key piece of advice, just take a step back from the idea, think about how you want to deliver it, and just experiment with different ways. Try different voices, try different narrators, try different perspectives. As with the manuscript I'm writing now, I had to reapproach the idea several times before I felt confident. Unfortunately, like the full scope of any good idea, it doesn't come to you the first time around. Delivery demands just as much attention as the details.

Good luck.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-15 10:25:25


At 11/12/10 09:26 PM, Deathcon7 wrote:
Coop, I read into the Darkness. The following is my critique. Enjoy!

While happy with the fact that someone is reviewing my work, I'm not taking it all smoothly. I'm trying not to be harsh and I have taken some of the advice into account, but as a writer is never 100% perfect with their work, neither are the critics perfect in their criticism.

So, the first thing I noticed is that the narrative is very pedestrian. The super/preternatural elements seem to be tacked on for added intrigue, but don't affect the pace of the story. It's like the hero is plopped into this society in a relatively peaceful period. Unfortunately, that doesn't make for a very intersting read.

The world of darkness setting is a particularly nasty place. With the lady who concocted this setting for the werewolf game basing it around places that the four players had already been, it is difficult to detach entirely from that.

This is what I mean when I say it's very pedestrian. Everything is just so open and available, very normal, very relaxed, non-chalant, unconflicted. It's hard to explain, but pedestrian really sums it up.

Gareth has had about a year or two to come to terms with being a werewolf, since his first change, back in Monmouth. The prologue really sums up the first few days and glosses over the personal battles that he fights internally. Perhaps I could re-write some of it, though when I did write this, I was not very connected to the character, having been playing as him for a few weeks. Now that is some 2 years ago, I might be able to understand him better.

Another thing that I noticed was the weak character interactions. You need to mix things up, make the members of the group less agreeable.

This isn't Eastenders. It is entirely possible and plausible for like-minded people to get along with one another and peacefully co-exist. There has been little time for animosity to develop. That is inside the first week of us meeting, so we are still on the "first impressions" and the "honeymoon period", if you will.

At no point do the four "party" members get into a disagreement, or argue on a perspective.

They will - future chapters will deal with sessions that have seen me going in in a foul mood and this has affected my RP, as Gareth.

There also seems to be immediate shipping going on,

Please explain the term "shipping", as I don't know what you're talking about...

One area that did work out is that the four members of the party complimented each other. You can see them coming from four different tutelages.

I'm glad it wasn't all negative :)

I'll have to also commend you on your world.

I blame Gilly for that, but we have done more than just put our characters there. At some point, I am thinking of taking some of the players with me on a trip to Worcester, just to see what is left of the Hospital, which has now been turned into a housing estate.

You've got so much content, and so much potential. You can do so much within this world that's it's easy to see this going far beyond what you already have. I can see myself half way into a novel about this, and still read things I didn't know.

The problem seeing that as a novel would be that it's based around a game created by White Wolf and too many real things to really be my own work. Granted, it is as I have seen things through my eyes in the game, but it is still not only my work.

while you do have a very deep world, however, you don't use this to your advantage. You don't allow the world to reveal itself to the reader. Instead, you dumb a shit ton of information all at once.

I know what you're saying here and it is unfortunate. Sadly, you end up with two potential extremes here:

1) The story becomes biased towards White Wolf players and fans - the jargon is not explained and as such the layman reader feels lost and almost looked down upon from the point of view of the author.

2) You explain the jargon as and when required. A little too molly-coddling in my opinion, as it can derail the flow of a tale to the players and fans. If I take this out, by adding a prologue tale, where I learn as a character what can and cannot be done (albeit in a biased fashion from my mentor), I feel I have reached a compromise.

A familiar issue I had with this is the passive voice. The narrative lends itself so easily to go from the hills one paragraph, to inside Gareth's home the next. I've had this problem, where you're not sure how to deal with transit. In those cases, you need to either start a new chapter, or give a visual time elipses by adding another line between the two paragraphs. The passive voice also encourages a passive tone to the story. The character is getting sucked into this other living world, but it doesn't feel like it. You need to have more conflict, more drama, more action, more urgency; this character has become a warewolf, the catalyst of your story, this is an Oh Shit moment, make the reader say "Oh shit!"

Have you ever met a Welshman? Gareth is one of these stereotypical types that would only become emotional if the sun came out, as most of their days are spent out on the fields in the rain. He isn't necessarily monotone, but something close to that became the "season 1 default." Now that the group has expanded to 1 more player, we have gone through a shift in the balance and Gareth seems more easily angered by the going on within the pack. I hope that in future chapters, this will come across better.

Here's an example of all it'll take to go from a passive voice, to active voice:

"After a chorus of general approval, we headed toward the bookshop and the step into the unknown."

"'I have a bad feeling about this,' I said as we headed toward the bookshop. And with great reason. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach was getting worse with each step."

It's difficult to change the state of the narrator. He seems most likely to be telling someone in the bar of the Red Dragon what has happened. Storytelling is not his strong point, it is mine. As a result, I am not trying to make him sound like a classically trained Shakespearian actor. Messing up the mood through poor monologue is what he should do to sound "amateurish" and give it a folky feel as well.

Unfortunately, like the full scope of any good idea, it doesn't come to you the first time around. Delivery demands just as much attention as the details.

I'm not saying that I was perfect, not by a long shot, but you seem to be trying to tell me that I was trying to be. The main issue I had was that we seem to be striving for different values of "perfection". The difference in opinion over the narrative is worrying but something I feel that we could perhaps discuss our way around, so please come back to me.


Will it ever end. Yes, all human endeavour is pointless ~ Bill Bailey

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Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-15 16:49:52


At 11/15/10 10:25 AM, Coop83 wrote: While happy with the fact that someone is reviewing my work, I'm not taking it all smoothly. I'm trying not to be harsh and I have taken some of the advice into account, but as a writer is never 100% perfect with their work, neither are the critics perfect in their criticism.

I'll never be a perfect writer, nor will I ever be a perfect critic. It took me so long to get everything down, and my thoughts so disjointed, that I barely had the opportunity to infuse more personable language. I respect you as a writer, so I feel guilty not conveying that as well as I should have. Something else that I overlooked, and I'm not sure how given that the story is hosted on "fanfiction.net," is that this is not entirely original, nor, from what I can tell, meant to have been a novel per se, but rather an expository transcription of an RPG. I've never played nice with fan fictions; I can appreciate them, but I've never been able to understand them. My own attempt was rather horrific, and a personal torture to complete. That being said, I'll try to address each point and give a bit more clarity into what I meant and hopefully help to

The world of darkness setting is a particularly nasty place. With the lady who concocted this setting for the werewolf game basing it around places that the four players had already been, it is difficult to detach entirely from that.

Given the scope of the project, my commentary here doesn't really make sense as it'd involve having to affect the plot as a whole. The only real sentiment I was trying to get across is that the story isn't charged in anyway; rather than an adventure, it feels more like walking the dog. It just needs that spark to get the reader in, breathing heavy, and sweating vigorously.

Gareth has had about a year or two to come to terms with being a werewolf, since his first change, back in Monmouth. The prologue really sums up the first few days and glosses over the personal battles that he fights internally. Perhaps I could re-write some of it, though when I did write this, I was not very connected to the character, having been playing as him for a few weeks. Now that is some 2 years ago, I might be able to understand him better.

It sounds like your on the right path. The perfect reference for a bildungsroman is the Matrix. There's an immediate sense of otherworldliness, and there's that innocent curiousity within the reader as the hero learns more and more of his new world.

This isn't Eastenders. It is entirely possible and plausible for like-minded people to get along with one another and peacefully co-exist. There has been little time for animosity to develop. That is inside the first week of us meeting, so we are still on the "first impressions" and the "honeymoon period", if you will.

I can totally understand that. What I was trying to get at was that each person comes form a different faction. Each faction has its own way of doing things, and these relative newbies are in the depths of indoctrination. Wouldn't they be more anxious, or rambunctious, particularly in trying to asert their way as dominant?

They will - future chapters will deal with sessions that have seen me going in in a foul mood and this has affected my RP, as Gareth.

It's funny how I put party in quotations. I didn't even realize I really was talking about a party. Heh.

Please explain the term "shipping", as I don't know what you're talking about...

Everything seems so balanced: two guys, two girls. You then have the two of each that are the most similar. 'Shipping is shorthand for relationshipping, which originated as a fan term for putting two characters in a story in a relationship. Basically, what I'm trying to get at is that, to this point, you can quickly imagine which characters will couple up. Since it's an RPG, that probably won't happen, so really this commentary doesn't apply either.

I'm glad it wasn't all negative :)

That wasn't the objective, I promise. I really wanted to make my critique a lot easier to swallow. It's unfortunate that the two compliment below don't apply.

I blame Gilly for that, but we have done more than just put our characters there. At some point, I am thinking of taking some of the players with me on a trip to Worcester, just to see what is left of the Hospital, which has now been turned into a housing estate.

Mercedes Lackey is an example of a novelist that is superb at turning a fanfiction into a legitimate novel. One example would be her Diana Tregarde character. The character started out as an RPG character and snowballed into a great trilogy.

The problem seeing that as a novel would be that it's based around a game created by White Wolf and too many real things to really be my own work. Granted, it is as I have seen things through my eyes in the game, but it is still not only my work.

Further proof of my oversight, and, unfortunately, another compliment not applicable.

I know what you're saying here and it is unfortunate. Sadly, you end up with two potential extremes here:

You worked well with what you had. Given better context, I can see exactly how you worked the story out, and the structure makes a lot more sense to me now. I think you did a good job with the prologue given that the actual story lies in the RP itself. I think you found a great compromise between wanting to introduce the character, and lead up to the actual adventure.

Have you ever met a Welshman? Gareth is one of these stereotypical types that would only become emotional if the sun came out, as most of their days are spent out on the fields in the rain. He isn't necessarily monotone, but something close to that became the "season 1 default." Now that the group has expanded to 1 more player, we have gone through a shift in the balance and Gareth seems more easily angered by the going on within the pack. I hope that in future chapters, this will come across better.

Again, another critique that doesn't apply given better context.

It's difficult to change the state of the narrator. He seems most likely to be telling someone in the bar of the Red Dragon what has happened. Storytelling is not his strong point, it is mine. As a result, I am not trying to make him sound like a classically trained Shakespearian actor. Messing up the mood through poor monologue is what he should do to sound "amateurish" and give it a folky feel as well.

Another critique which doesn't apply and suffers the same oversight as my previous comment. At the same time, however, a lot of the aspects of the character that don't lend well to storytelling, really need to be mitigated if you want to tell a story. You know what I mean? If he's a bad storyteller, and you want to reflect that in your narrative, you're going to end up with bad storytelling. That being said, sometimes trying to faithfully reflect a character in the narrative of a story can weaken the written value of the story.

I'm not saying that I was perfect, not by a long shot, but you seem to be trying to tell me that I was trying to be. The main issue I had was that we seem to be striving for different values of "perfection". The difference in opinion over the narrative is worrying but something I feel that we could perhaps discuss our way around, so please come back to me.

THe difference in opinion lived solidly within my misunderstanding of what you were trying to do. Having a better understanding, I can better appreciate the laurels of your work. The fact remains, however, that the story ends up feeling like a transcribed RPG, as opposed to an actual novel. Depending on what you're aiming for, this could be a good or bad thing. In the end, and as I've hightlighted above, I don't think my critique applied very well, but take what you can.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-16 01:22:26


Sorry if it seems like I'm just asking for reviews without reviewing others, but I just released my first part of a NG fan fiction I have been developing.

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1211 523

I'd really like some critique, so I can improve from here.

Thanks!

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-16 10:43:26


At 11/16/10 01:22 AM, mdf99 wrote: Sorry if it seems like I'm just asking for reviews without reviewing others, but I just released my first part of a NG fan fiction I have been developing.

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1211 523

I'd really like some critique, so I can improve from here.

Thanks!

Just a couple of things to go over:

First, you really need to work on your grammar and proofreading. The many mistakes present were really distracting and detracted from my overall opinion of this first narrative. Also, watch your use of dialogue tags and adverbs.

Dialogue tag example: "'Put down the gun son,' he flinched," would indicate that somehow what he said is a part of a flinch, it really does not compute.

Adverb example: "...kicking him savagely in the stomach." This also doesn't make sense as how do you visualize this? A savage is a brute, a troglodyte, an uncivilized person. There is no immediately implied method of kicking associated with a savage as a kick by one could be delivered with as much sophistication and temperance as a soccer player.

The last part of this point is that of perspective. Pick one, and stick with it. The narrative starts in a limited first person, then switches to third person omniscient in the latter half. This gets really confusing, as the halves could easily be completely different stories.

Second, I think you have a solid idea, you just have to focus on delivery. You need to build the world a bit deeper, and get more involved with the narrative. You spend too much time, in the relatively short story, telling about the world instead of showing us the world. There's a difference between info dumping, and description.

Example: instead of saying the Portal is badass, show us. Open the narrative with the good cop busting down a larger operation than just a vagrant wandering the Portal. Give us more chaos. Reveal the details of the Portal in dialogue instead of narrative.

Third, you have some good starting points, but you need to make them deeper. Make the terms on Newgrounds applicable to this world.

An example where you fall short: the "Portal" and the "Forum" as names for a street and sub-urb aren't given any point of reference other than it is what it is. They could have been called anything else, but they feel placed to make the story feel more like it's about Newgrounds. Give it character.

An example where you can improve: referencing Mods is also a similar issue. You need to extrapolate what a "mod" would be, or mean, in this created world. To make this work better for you, utilize acronyms. MODS as MObile Defense Squad would make the term more applicable than simply "Moderators." It's little things like this that add flavor to the story, and deepen the environment. You want to make sureu that this story parallels Newgrounds specifically, right? If a few simple name changes could turn this into a story about any other website, or a generic story about a relatively tough city, then your intentions aren't going to be conveyed as strongly as you hope.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-20 15:46:54


Components of Critique: Review & Analysis

I want to make a distinction between the two as they seem to be clumped together. While the two can combine to create an overall critique of a piece, they are two seperate activities which yield two seperate sets of information. When thinking about a critique as its constituent components, you end up with two things: content and delivery. Content is what is being delivered. Delivery is how effective it's being done. A review goes over the content, an analysis covers the delivery.

Review: When you read a video game review, you never hear anything about how the engine's collision detection could have been modified to increase efficiency in the code. The most you'd hear is a complaint that it was off and created glitching. Thus is the case with written work. A review covers the story; what happens, the characters, the plot. A review can range from highly subjective, to coldly objective. It depends on the reviewer. A review is also affected by the reviewers aggregate knowledge of stories and its telling. A well read reviewer will have a more concrete opinion simply because they've accumulated so many stories.

Analysis: If you are confident that your story, characters, and setting are all well imagined, but you're not sure you're doing quite a good job conveying such, a critic who can offer an analysis would be great for you. Analysis, unlike a review, is 100% technical knowledge. This is the part of writing that offers minimal deviation. An analysis provides the type of feedback a writer would use to strengthen their delivery, improving reader comprehension, and ensure all the tools at their disposal are being used to maximum efficiency. This includes narrative to dialogue balance, pacing, framing stories, diction, syntax, and all other technical minutiae involved.

As previously stated, I am more than happy to provide my critique per your discretion. The above provides you a better means of describing precisely what it is you're looking for, and makes it easier for me to spot the issues when dedicated to a clearly defined goal.

Any questions or concerns, post them in this thread so that I can publicly address them. Also, please respond to any critique rendered and rate the critic. In this way we can ensure critics are properly matched to the work at hand. Users will also benefit by having a general idea of how good the critic is.

Thanks.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-21 00:27:18


Being, that all of my life, I have resided in the realms of a depression state. I had begun to to grow into it overtime, as years passed me by. The more it engulfed me, the more I had become less attentive to reality, but became super sensitive to the swirls of surreality, that lied beyond the heavy barriers everyone bares. Regardless, of my lack of vocabulary, I have still realized, one can turn simple weaknesses into cliche breaking inspirations. Aswell, that everyone can understand my poems, word by word, and still feel the involute maze I create out of my oceans.

(The paragraph above, is primarily composed, to those poetic individuals out there, who lack the fields of vocabulary, and feel, that those whom has dwelled further into the communication bridge has a better advantage. This is my way of saying. The only advantage, that really exists in this world, is created by your own fear of weakness.)

A poem, that I created for all the humans who are still hanging on to an essence that is slowly slipping away as this world progresses, more and more away from it's true nature.

- Innocence Is The True Warrior -

Welcome to the innocent's lair,
Trying to create a world of truth and love is solely a dare,
Exerting such gestures in this world only rewards you with ''that'' stare,
Those who have the ever least of understanding in the power we share,
Simply shows, that anyone, anything, can be converted into care.
-Being innocent is the greatest journey,
To be able to hear joy, and laughter in this world is a true melody,
To ignore opinions, and create YOUR world with your mind's open sea,
To dress, sing, fight, believe, live, and love who you were born to be.
-Innocence is the greatest strength,
It takes guts to be able to be polite, and have manners in this place,
Just be yourself, hate not of things, and soar across the chaos having faith,
Your utter endeavour will create a holy path of an infinite length.
-Why let those judge you, when they can't even judge themselves,
Just keep all those fake fingernails, makeups, wigs, and enhancers on the shelves,
Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is equal. Everybody is losing themselves. Nobody cares.
How can anyone walk around, seeing these people thrown down, all alone, not in pairs.

A poem that created, for those women out there, who has submitted themselves to their pending doom, regardless, of how happy they may seem.

- Nature's Abomination -

I casually walk across the open school fields,
Noticing how these women have no shields,
They can live good lives but are too busy being hotties,
They don't know who they are, or realize they are nobodies.
We all try to guide those who are lossed in deception,
We carry our voices with angelic redemption,
It seems like they don't listen or they have no reception,
It just goes to show that people can't always have an intervention.

This is sadly, the first poem I have ever created, that all came to me waking up one morning, severely
infuriated with this world's imprudent behavior.

- The Zombies Need To Be Eradicated Now - (Could become a song.)

I may like black and white,
Atleast I have common sense in sight,
I don't piss on our predetermined light,
With my utterly blinded might.
I am so sick and tired of you all,
Making everyone fall,
You have no sense of a recall,
Because you have been always a damn doll.
THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE, FROM HOL-LOW MIS-ERY..
THIS IS ONE MEM-ORY I WOULD WANT THAT IS REL-ATED TO HIS-TORY..
When will you get it through your fucking heads,
I am not insane, I do not take meds,
You guys just care and judge what everyone says.
You have no life, you have no self, you are just another fucking ignoramus.
THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE, FROM HOL-LOW MIS-ERY..
THIS IS ONE MEM-ORY I WOULD WANT THAT IS REL-ATED TO HIS-TORY..
I hope you get shot,
I hope you get bombed,
I hope you get torn to pieces.
I hope you get destroyed,
I hope you get burned,
I hope you DIE ALONG WITH YOUR DISEASES.
THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE, FROM HOL-LOW MIS-ERY..
THIS IS ONE MEM-ORY I WOULD WANT THAT IS REL-ATED TO HIS-TORY..
-THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
WHEN THIS SONG IS OV-ER ALL THE ZOM-BIES BET-TER RUN..
PEO-PLE HAVE THEIR HANDS BEH-IND THEIR BACKS WITH PLE-NTY OF FUN..

I will end it here for now, I really wish to refrain from burdening you with patches, and patches of words. It would be grateful, if you could review them. Even if you don't, hopefully these poems will inspire all the other inviduals out there who wish to compose poetry, or is in the middle of a writer's block.

~ AphoticAthanasy


BBS Signature

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-21 13:05:32


At 11/21/10 12:27 AM, AphoticAthanasy wrote: Being, that all of my life, I have resided in the realms of a depression state. I had begun to to grow into it overtime, as years passed me by. The more it engulfed me, the more I had become less attentive to reality, but became super sensitive to the swirls of surreality, that lied beyond the heavy barriers everyone bares. Regardless, of my lack of vocabulary, I have still realized, one can turn simple weaknesses into cliche breaking inspirations. Aswell, that everyone can understand my poems, word by word, and still feel the involute maze I create out of my oceans.

Reality and fantasy offer a great clash in our world. When I was young, a child, up through high school, I had such a difficult time separating the two that I would convulse against the restraints of reality, allergic to its stagnant shackles holding me from a fantasy whose magical world would woo me with wonders. As I grew older, I learned how to appreciate both for their own merits, and recognize with a reasonable mind their cons.

With this enlightenment, two things have happened. The first, I began to seek and enjoy life, in only a way that we can. We can live a happy life. We don't have the same worries that a character in a fantasy does, and as such we are free to choose our own path if we believe in ourselves, and we put the effort needed. Aside from appreciation for life, and the second happening, i enjoyed fantasy so much more thoroughly. I was able to delve in and out of worlds, letting myself enjoy them as deeply as possible, without the fear of not wanting to return to myself.

It has been with this same fervor that I've more directly engaged the writer within me. I've been able to create worlds, and characters, and love them, and enjoy them. I can search myself for these worlds and when I find them, every time with the same enjoyment as the last, I feel fulfilled. The emptiness that fantasy used to leave inside, that little bit of me that escaped with each story, returned with new insights, ideas, and passions.

The point that I'm trying to make is that you need to consolidate yourself. There is a difference between distorted perspective, and individual perspective. Don't let what you perceive, overcome what is real. Don't suffer in silence because you think your happiness is unobtainable. Instead, search your soul, be brave, and seek within yourself the happiness that you want. That is the true adventure that we face, and when you look back on your life, and you realize you've succeeded, you'll be filled with more joy than any fantasy could provide you. Of that, there is absolutely no doubt. If you don't believe in anything else, believe in that; like it did for me, it will carry you through and help you find the fantasies within you.

- Innocence Is The True Warrior -

Welcome to the innocent's lair,
Trying to create a world of truth and love is solely a dare,
Exerting such gestures in this world only rewards you with ''that'' stare,
Those who have the ever least of understanding in the power we share,
Simply shows, that anyone, anything, can be converted into care.
-Being innocent is the greatest journey,
To be able to hear joy, and laughter in this world is a true melody,
To ignore opinions, and create YOUR world with your mind's open sea,
To dress, sing, fight, believe, live, and love who you were born to be.
-Innocence is the greatest strength,
It takes guts to be able to be polite, and have manners in this place,
Just be yourself, hate not of things, and soar across the chaos having faith,
Your utter endeavour will create a holy path of an infinite length.
-Why let those judge you, when they can't even judge themselves,
Just keep all those fake fingernails, makeups, wigs, and enhancers on the shelves,
Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is equal. Everybody is losing themselves. Nobody cares.
How can anyone walk around, seeing these people thrown down, all alone, not in pairs.

- Nature's Abomination -

I casually walk across the open school fields,
Noticing how these women have no shields,
They can live good lives but are too busy being hotties,
They don't know who they are, or realize they are nobodies.
We all try to guide those who are lossed in deception,
We carry our voices with angelic redemption,
It seems like they don't listen or they have no reception,
It just goes to show that people can't always have an intervention.

- The Zombies Need To Be Eradicated Now - (Could become a song.)

I may like black and white,
Atleast I have common sense in sight,
I don't piss on our predetermined light,
With my utterly blinded might.
I am so sick and tired of you all,
Making everyone fall,
You have no sense of a recall,
Because you have been always a damn doll.
THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE, FROM HOL-LOW MIS-ERY..
THIS IS ONE MEM-ORY I WOULD WANT THAT IS REL-ATED TO HIS-TORY..
When will you get it through your fucking heads,
I am not insane, I do not take meds,
You guys just care and judge what everyone says.
You have no life, you have no self, you are just another fucking ignoramus.
THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE, FROM HOL-LOW MIS-ERY..
THIS IS ONE MEM-ORY I WOULD WANT THAT IS REL-ATED TO HIS-TORY..
I hope you get shot,
I hope you get bombed,
I hope you get torn to pieces.
I hope you get destroyed,
I hope you get burned,
I hope you DIE ALONG WITH YOUR DISEASES.
THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
I HOPE YOU ALL DIE, FROM HOL-LOW MIS-ERY..
THIS IS ONE MEM-ORY I WOULD WANT THAT IS REL-ATED TO HIS-TORY..
-THESE ZOM-BIES ARE DE-STROY-ING EVER-Y-THING..
FROM FOR-ESTS TO OUR HU-MAN-I-TY..
WHEN THIS SONG IS OV-ER ALL THE ZOM-BIES BET-TER RUN..
PEO-PLE HAVE THEIR HANDS BEH-IND THEIR BACKS WITH PLE-NTY OF FUN..

All your poems share the common weakness: personalization. You have these ideas and feeling in the raw, and in such a shape you apply them to prose. It doesn't sound bad, but sound is not the only purpose of poetry. If you really want to express yourself, you'll do it best by using all the prosodic tools available to you.

That being said, while the poems sound good, as a publicly shared piece, they don't get very far. There is limited connection between reader and poem in those pieces in the poem that do provide a universal insight. The rest just seems like the angry protestations of a youth feeling the repression of life. The purpose of my earlier spiel was to paint for you a better understanding of an ignorance you need to embrace. There is a world on the other side of your wall; embrace it, and you'll find you'll have a lot more you'll want to convey in your poetry.

Or, like Virginia Woolf, you may prefer the emotions of depression, and anger, and helplessness; the problem with drawing from those emotions is that you end up building a tragedy. Through your words, and through your work, you will paint a picture very difficult for the public to consume. So, adjust your expectations. Study prosody, and try your hand at poetry when you feel you're better able to depersonalize your words. A broader prospective is conducive to improving your results, as well as improving your appreciation for your own personal adventure.

Good luck.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-21 19:34:24


http://gameinformer.com/blogs/members/b/
brandon_whiting_is_back_blog/archive/201 0/11/21/chapter-1-of-a-story-i-m-making.
aspx

Here is chapter one of my story WIP. It's about a man lost in the apocalypse, but it starts out before the apocalypse. After a faction makes an underground nuke shelter with help from the governments of the world(they are tricked into doing it.) A nuclear apocalypse destroys most of the world. The underground sheltere is labeled "The Ark" and people want to kill Malik, but why? Malik forgets his past, but learning it hurts him more...


"Life is like a dice game; one roll can land you in jail or cuttin' cake blowin kisses in the rice rain" - Jay Electronica

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-23 16:52:11


Can anyone review this!?


"Life is like a dice game; one roll can land you in jail or cuttin' cake blowin kisses in the rice rain" - Jay Electronica

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-26 19:03:45


You narrative is so disjointed, beyond the allowances of style. It's so difficult to understand what's happening, who is who, and what means what. This is exacerbated by the fact that the narrative is so badly formed. First and foremost you need to focus on your syntax if you expect to show something publicly.

It's very apparent that you need to study more on story telling as there are so many elements in there that make no sense and don't belong. You don't provide any information at all. I can understand wanting to make it confusing and mysterious, but this is poorly delivered.

Given that it was so short, there's not much else I can say. There is little to no content to review or commend you on. Fix the syntax of the narrative, and improve your delivery. Then focus on telling a story. Some advice for you, too; don't publish something chapter by chapter as you'll quickly find the story will change and you'll want to go back and edit those chapters. You'll also end up finding yourself keeping things as is, or forcing them a certain way because you make those first chapters authoritative in your mind, which impinges on your overall story. It also impedes your creativity.

If you want a better critique, then improve the syntax issues, and put more into it.

Good luck.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-11-30 12:32:50


The Mind of A Critic

"He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help." -Abraham Lincoln

It has come to my attention in the past, and in reviewing my own critique I've noted the issue, that my criticism of others' work can be very harsh. I would love to apologize to those that I have offended, but quite frankly I can't do so without affecting the validity of my critique. I try to provide the most authoritative, unbiased opinion as I possibly can and unfortunately this cold, logical approach can come off as negative and discouraging.

Sincerely, I want to help. I want to help people improve. I want to help others get on a path to success, where they can look back on their work and feel satisfied. So I want to help you get into my mind, into the mind of a critic. So many people want critique but only ever receive it sugar-coated; such as, "I like it, gimme moar!" or "Well written. Great imagery." It gets to the point where the critique is counter productive because while you become more confident in your writing, your flaws become increasingly entrenched in your work.

"People ask for criticism, but they only want praise." -William Somerset Maugham

As a critic I only intend to ensure that you receive the productive advice and commentary you require to improve. If there are flaws, I want to point it out. Unfortunately people don't realize just how flawed their work is and so when it's pointed out offense is the first thing to be taken. This is exacerbated by the fact that, as a critic, it's very tough to actually say something good about a piece. It's easier to point to the bad than to point to the good. Any critic that cannot do both is a weak critic. I accept this, and I work to improve.

"Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If you receive critique you must learn to use it. Praise only helps the ego; critique helps you improve your craft. You must choose which is more important to you. If it's the former, then don't ask for critique. It'll only end up upsetting you because, while expecting praise, you'll only receive truth, and truth can be hard to swallow. Setting expectations on yourself makes the blow that much more crushing. Write what you can, not what you want. In the end you'll be somewhere in between.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

I know my critique can be crushing, and I know I fail greatly when it comes to cushioning my words, but keep in mind that it's only one man's opinion. Take what you can from what I say. Take what you can from what others say. In the end, if you're dedicated, you'll find your own path. So long as you master the basic principles of writing, and you build a solid undestanding of your chosen craft, the rest is a matter of perserverance. As a hobbyist that can sometimes be overlooked. But you can't dabble and expect to be great, you're only fooling yourself.

"Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things." -Winston Churchill

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-07 09:28:59


Thus far four users have had their work reviewed within 24 - 48 hours of requesting a review. If you're interested in one, this is really going to be a great resource for achieving that end.

I've also been posting up some helpful advice that can help you understand the process a bit better, and bolster your approach.

If you want a review, or you want to review other peoples' work, please let me know. It would be great if we could organize this thread so that as much work is reviewed as possible, with critics of applicable tastes reviewing work appropriately.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-08 10:07:46


The Land of Metrea, started as a request for a fellow forum goer, it snow-balled and became a project of mine.

Link in my sig.


A writer spills his soul on paper. What happens when the pencil breaks?

My work: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic /1206496

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-08 10:09:45


Sorry for the double post.

It's a alternate world where magic and technology co-exist in harmony, or at-least in Mer. A war is brewing and Chris, the main character, get's caught up in the middle.


A writer spills his soul on paper. What happens when the pencil breaks?

My work: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic /1206496

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-08 16:04:09


http://tinytim12.newgrounds.com/news/pos t/525924 (link also in my sig)

The first chapter of a novel set in a post apocalyptic sci fi era. Sorry but it may seem cliched at the start.


When I got outside, the purple fog was spreading. I covered my nose and mouth, and ran home.

BBS Signature

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-08 16:06:17


At 12/8/10 09:31 AM, Otto wrote: Hello all, good to see something like this - I know most NGers are not the kind for reading and then writing something long, about something that's tl;dr. So, hoping for a review about the first chapter I wrote to my story called Clouds (available to download as Word 2003 document, or here, slightly pre-altered.). I've got big ideas about this, but not the size of the book; I didn't want anything huge.

InsertFunnyUsername's commentary covers everything I wanted to say. You amble a lot in the beginning; information dumping. The story starts off with a good structure, but the content is difficult to understand. The slang needs to be better handled if you're going to include it because it's not immediately apparent what it means.

Other than that, you just need to flesh out the plot more. It seems you have an idea for your premise, but without an understanding how the story unfolds, you're only going to end up rambling in narrative as you work out the idea. An example of that is when the narrator walks through the details of how he ended up at the warehouse.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-08 16:51:53


At 12/8/10 10:07 AM, NeutraIity wrote: The Land of Metrea, started as a request for a fellow forum goer, it snow-balled and became a project of mine.

Link in my sig.

The overall story and mood are fine. They could use a little bit more work to make it a lot less contrived, but that's something I'm sure you'll work through as you dedicate more time to the story itself.

First, work on your structure. Put spaces between paragraphs, otherwise everything else should be together. Don't new paragraphs for dialogue unless it's a different person speaking. Remove the dialogue tags, and lighten up on the adverbs. These structural issues make it difficult to read, but shouldn't be too hard to fix.

Second, when narrating, words like "suddenly," "inexplicably," and "out of nowhere" detract from the pace and remove the reader from the narrative. I understand your need to suddenly drop something on a reader to surprise them, but you need to deliver it so that the reader can ride along with you.

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-08 18:16:42


Yeah, I have recognised these issues and fixed them accordingly in the version that's currently on a flash-drive, which is under lock and key.

I've revised a lot of sentences and, as mentioned, allowed the reader some room for imagination without totally leaving them twisting in the wind.

I love your critique, short, quick and to the point without much sugar-coating Deathcon.

Thank you :)


A writer spills his soul on paper. What happens when the pencil breaks?

My work: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic /1206496

Response to Writing Review Request 2010-12-08 18:24:11


Here is the first chapter of a novel I'm writing, called Pablo.

It's about a poor boy looking for religious freedom and more opportunities.

Pablo