Puke Cat & The Dangerous Dick Slugs

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Puke Cat
and
The Dangerous Dick Slugs
A story by - Sean Kelly

Synopsis: A diseased cat and a crippled,
cocaine addicted rabbit try to escape sharks, a flea
infested bear and a deranged television producer.

Chapter One - Laid Off

The disease has gotten worse. I can't even get near a television without puking uncontrollably. And I always knock the signal out and piss people off. It's called Static Sickness. There's only a couple known cases in the world and I'm one of them.

"Hey Samuel! You gonna be late for work, man!" Calls my roommate, Lenny, from the kitchen. I look over at the clock on my bedside. 7:32 A.M. Shit, he's right! I jump up from my bed and run into the bathroom. Fuck, my fur is a mess. But I don't have time for a shower. I grab a comb and begin frantically combing through my fur around my ears. Wait, is that a flea? "God dammit, Lenny! I told you not to bring fleas in the fucking apartment!"

Lenny pops his head around the corner. "Man, sorry. I met this tight ass little chimpanzee down at the club the other night. Started grindin' on me and shit. She had a few fleas but it was so worth it."
"Yeah well, now I'm having to suffer too, dude. I can't go into work with fleas!"
"Calm down, my brotha'. I got new bottle of flea shampoo right over there."
"Shit, I don't have time for this, Lenny. I'm gonna be late!"
"Well I told ya to get up over an hour ago, dude."
"What? No, you didn't!"
"I didn't? Oh yeah."

"Fuck!" I stick my head in the sink and start scrubbing it all over with the flea shampoo. "It's not my fuckin' responsibility to wake you up ever god damn mornin' anyway, Samuel."
"Well it's not like you do anything else around here! I'm the only one paying the fucking bills in this place. You don't even have a job, man!"
I get some flea shampoo in my eyes.
"Agh! God damn it!"
"Ha, watch it man. That shit burns like a bitch. And I'm working on the job shit, dude. You know how hard it is to get a fuckin' job in this city. Nobody wants to hire a fuckin' Rabbit. All they want is god damn Lions and Eagles and shit. Rabbits don't get any fuckin' respect in this place!"
"Yeah, well the work force isn't too fond of cats either and I still managed to get a job. You aren't even trying!"

Lenny steps into the bathroom and starts taking a piss. "I am so trying! I just went down to that fucking book store and filled out an application last week!"
"Oh yeah, great! That was the first application in what? Three months?"
Lenny zips up and walks back out into the doorway.
"Well I've tried every fuckin' place in this city! You should just calm the fuck down, man. I-am-working-on-it."
He walks away still mumbling something.

I rinse the flea shampoo out and quickly begin combing the flea corpses out of my fur. "And for fuck's sake will you start flushing the god damn toilet, Lenny!" I flush the toilet.
"If it's yellow let it mellow, man!" He yells from the kitchen.

Boss looks angry. Tapping his big bear claws on the desk and staring at the clock. I take a deep breath and shuffle over to him. "Hey, Mr. Bigman I'm sorry I'm-"
"This is the third time this week, Samuel. Whats going on?"
"I'm sorry sir. My alarm clock is broken and I've been relying on my roommate to wake me up in the mornings but he-"
"Alarm clocks are like ten bucks, Samuel."
"I know sir. I'm going to buy one this afternoon and-"
"Look. Its bad enough that I have to put up with you constantly puking on everything and knocking out all our television reception. If you weren't such a hard worker I would have fired you long ago. But if this late stuff is going to start being a habit you are gonna leave me no choice but to fire you, kid. And I don't think you want to have to start looking for another job again."
"No sir. I promise it wont happen again."
"Alright. It better not. Cause I got a whole cabinet full of applications right here. I could replace your ass in two seconds."
"Yes sir."

I sit down in my cubicle and get to work. I hate my job. Rosa, one of my coworkers, notices me as she's walking by. She's a duck. She glances both ways to make sure the boss isn't around and then comes in and sits on my desk. "Hey buddy, heard you got you chewed out by Mr. Bigman today."
"Yeah, its fucking Lenny's fault. I trusted him to wake me up this morning and he couldn't even manage to do that."
"Why don't you just kick that low life out of there? He doesn't do shit."
"I know, man. But I can't. He's been my friend since high school. I can't just throw him out in the streets."
"Yeah, you are certainly a better person then I am."
"He is trying to get a job now. But it's tough, you know?"
"Yeah, I know how it is. Its sweet you care about your friend and all. But you really gotta ask yourself whats best for you sometimes."
"Nah, he's not that bad. He's a bit messy, bit noisy. But he doesn't really hurt anything most of the time."
"If you say so. Uhm.. Is that a flea on your head?"
I clear my throat and flick the flea off.
"Flea? What flea? I don't have fleas!"
Rosa raises an eyebrow.
"Well it sure looked like a flea. You better be careful, you know how Mr. Bigman gets about-"
"God damn it mother of fuck!" Yells Mr. Bigman from just outside the cubicle.
"Who brought this fucking flea in here? I swear to God if I find out who's bringing fleas in my fucking office!"
Mr. Bigman picks up the flea with his big claw and eyes it.
"No, please don't kill me!" Begs the little flea in a squeaky little voice.
Mr. Bigman throws the flea in his mouth and swallows it.
"Alright everyone, Line up! We are having a mandatory flea check! God damn it I hate fleas!"
"So he fired ya, man? Just like that?" Lenny doesn't seem too remorseful about causing me to lose my job.
"Yeah, he fucking fired me! And its your fuckin' fault, dude! You just had to go and fuck a skanky ass flea infested monkey! Now-"
"Hey, man. You woulda' done the same thing. You should seen the the titties on this-"
"I don't give a shit, Lenny! What the fuck are we gonna do now? Neither of us have fucking jobs. How the hell are we gonna pay the bills dude? We're both gonna be on the fucking streets now!"
"Dude, come on. We ain't goin' nowhere. I'll figure something out."
"Yeah? Like what, man? You said it yourself, no one wants to hire a fucking Rabbit and I'm sure as hell not gonna be able to find another job anytime soon!"
Lenny thinks for a moment.
"Well, I could start sellin' again.."
"What? No, we aren't starting that shit up again. The fucking pigs showing up at our door everyday. I can't take the stress of that
anymore."
"Well, I dunno what you expect me to do then, dude."
I let out a big sigh and sink into the couch.
"I don't know. I guess there's nothing we can do."
"What about that girlfriend of yours? Rosa? She'd let us move in right?"
"She's not my girlfriend. And no way in hell would she let us move in. Not you anyway."
"What? Whats the bitch got against me? I ain't done shit to her."
"The same thing everyone else has against you, dude. You're a fucking lazy ass, annoying, inconsiderate low life prick!"
Lenny is quiet. I feel bad.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It's just-"
"Save it, man. You already said it. I don't need this shit. I'm goin' to bed."

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Chapter Two - Static Sickness

I keep a little old 1950's television set in my closet. Sort of a masochistic thing. I like to sometimes just plug it in and stick my head against it. The screen goes all warped and colorful like when you press a magnet against it. Then I usually get a headache and start throwing up uncontrollably. I keep a little trash can in there with me so I don't make a mess. I think Lenny knows what I do in there. He's seen the TV and I'm sure he's heard me gagging and vomiting in there countless times. He doesn't say anything though.

I take a deep breath and plug the television in. A little black and white sitcom comes on for a few seconds and then is replaced with the familiar white noise. The TV makes little buzzing noises the closer my head gets to the screen. Then suddenly, a loud static buzz and everything goes black for a moment.

I open my eyes. Missed the trash can. Got puke all over my nice suit. Oh well, I don't need the fucking thing anymore anyway. I finish spitting up the rest in the trash can then grit my teeth and press my head against the screen again. Another buzz and then darkness. I open my eyes, the room is a little warped, pulsating and writhing around. I throw up once again on my suit. I'm covered in vomit. Thats enough for tonight, I decide. I reach for the plug but then stop as I hear a whisper.
"Not yet, Samuel. Just a few more minutes." Its Mr. Source.

I don't know who Mr. Source is or where he came from. He's been around as long as my Static Sickness has. He wears a trench coat and has a TV for a head. He talks by changing channels at such a fast pace that the sounds from the different channels speeding by mesh together to form words. My body doesn't knock his signal out for some reason.

Mr. Source kneels down next to me and pets me. I purr, puke dripping from my chin into my lap. "Things are starting to get a little out of hand aren't they, Samuel?"
I gag and a bit of stomach acid runs out of my mouth.
"Well I guess you do have a point there, Samuel, my friend." He laughs. "I mean, they certainly aren't watching you twenty four and seven. But you have to realize that they are, in fact, watching most of the time."
A chill rolls down my spine. I shiver.
"And I think you need to put a bit more of a show on for 'em, buddy!" He lights a cigarette and takes a drag of it through the speaker on the side of his television head.
"I mean, ratings are dropping bad, Samuel. You know that. The viewers are starting to.. lose interest."
My neck twitches and some more stomach acid comes up. I blink.
"Oh but of course, kid. We all know you have potential to be the best. You just aren't trying anymore."

He touches the cigarette to my cheek, burning me. I gag. "The viewers.. They are a sick bunch, they are. They want violence and drugs and sex.. And puke. He grabs my head and smashes it into the television screen, shattering it. Static goo pours out covering my body. The noise is unbearable. I choke for a moment and then out comes what must be gallons of vomit. It just keeps pouring out. I didn't even think I could puke this much. It fills the little closet about ankle deep. The static runs off of me and disappears into the pool of puke. I fall on my back, tears running from my eyes. My throat is on fire and my chest and stomach feel bruised.

Mr. Source's screen changes to a graph displaying my ratings. The little line is quickly rising. "See, my friend? Up! Up! Up! We are gonna be rich, you and I." He drops the cigarette on my face. Its burning my forehead but I am too weak to flick it off.
"The people have spoken, Samuel. And they say they want puke! Lots and lots of puke. And thats what you're going to give them."
He wipes the vomit off his coat.
"Because you are my little Puke Cat, aren't you?"
A final burst of stomach acid projects from my mouth and comes back down on my face, putting out the cigarette.
"Now I have to return to the studio. Lots of work to get done."
He starts to leave then stops and turns to me.
"Oh, and you might want to get a new television. That one's busted."

"Woah, whats with the burns on the face, bro?" Lenny comments looking up from some sports mag. I sit down on the couch next to him. "So, you said you can start selling again right?"
He smiles and tosses the magazine down on the table.
"Hell yeah I can start sellin' again, dude! I just gotta talk to my bro down in apartment 3C and we'll be set. Big money, man!"
"Yeah, okay.. Well just try to be more cautious this time, you know?"
"Oh man, I'm always cautious. You know that."
"Yeah, right. Don't.. Uhm.. Try to sell coke to an FBI agent again this time, okay?"
"Dude, you ain't never gonna drop that shit, are you? That was one fuckin' time, man!"
"It was twice, Lenny. Twice."
He thinks for a second.
"Oh yeah, yeah. Forgot about that dude."

I get up and throw on my coat then head for the door. "I'm headin' out for a bit, man. I'll be back later."
"Where you goin', Samuel?"
"I have to go buy something.."

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Chapter Three - Blister Covered Salesman

"We have all sorts of televisions, my good man! Just come with me over here." The salesman is a Iguana with a face covered in disgusting pulsing blisters. There's barely any areas that aren't covered up by one. I follow the salesman over to the TV Corner of the electronics store. I get a little nauseous but manage to keep a far enough distance to not start puking. The televisions are all getting a little fuzzy and going off channel.

"Hmm. Thats odd. They've never done this before. There must be some sort of interference nearby." He walks over to one of the TVs and gives it a hard smack.
"Strange, well I assure you they don't normally do this, sir. Now if you just step over here I'll show you this-"
"Oh no, I can see it fine from here, thank you."
He looks confused. A blister pulsates and oozes out some bright green pus.
"Well, uh, okay then." He points to a very large high definition flat screen across the room. "This is our top of the line television. It is the largest and most picture perfect TV in the entire-"
"I'm actually looking for something a bit cheaper."
"Oh, yes. Well if you look over here we have-"
"Yeah, still too much."
"Right, well over in this corner we have-"
"How much is that one over there?"
"Huh? That one? Thats from like the 50's, dude."
A blister on his forehead explodes firing a green puss wad across the room just barely missing my head.
"Yeah, that one will do just fine. How much?"
"Okay, well I dunno.. Twelve dollars?"
"I'll give you half that."
"Well thats not really-"
"How about seven?"
The salesman rolls his eyes. "Sure, thats fine."

He unplugs the television and puts it in a little box. I walk with him over to the check out counter. There is a girl at the counter painting her toenails. "Okay, Lisa will take care of you from here, sir." He sets the box on the counter and goes to help some other customers who are obviously disgusted with his weird blisters.

The girl sits up and takes a look at the price tag. "Okay uhm.. Seven dollars please?" I hand her the money. I lean in next to her.
"So whats up with that dude's blisters, man? How the fuck does that happen?"
"Oh, I know! Its nauseating. I dunno why they have him has lead salesman."
"Yeah, I almost didn't even want to buy a TV when I saw that dude. I was just like woah."
She giggles.
"Yeah, its pretty gross. Anyways, enjoy your new TV, mister."

I glance down at her toenails. The red nail polish running off of them. A tingle runs through me. "Well, see you later." I say and pick up the box. As I walk out I hear the salesman call the girl over behind me. "Lisa! Come over here for a minute." He lowers to a whisper. "What the big idea talking about my blisters with a customer? You know I'm sensitive about them. What the hell is your problem?"

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Chapter Four - Debt & Toenail Clippings

Lenny comes rushing in with a huge grin on his face. He leaps across the room and onto the couch next to me. "Check this shit out, dude!" He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a huge wad of cash.
"Holy shit, man! How much is that?"
"Ten.. Thousand.. Dollars."
"Ten thousand? How the fuck did you make ten thousand bucks selling coke for two hours?"
"Huh? Oh, I didn't sell any coke yet. Its a loan from the Shark Brothers. But I'll make it all back in due time, my-"
"Wait? You took a fucking ten thousand dollar loan from the Shark Brothers? Are you fucking stupid, Lenny?"
"Nah, come on, man. I got a whole truckload of coke. I'll make it all back and then some."
"Fuck. Well when are you supposed to pay them back?"
"Uhm, next week. But its fine, man. Its all good in the hoo-"
"Next week? Next week?!? What the fuck, Lenny! You know very well you cant make ten thousand dollars in a week. You go give those shark's back their loan right fucking now!"
He laughs.
"What the fuck is so funny, Lenny?"
"Well I mean.. I cant just go give them the money back.. There's interest, ya' know."
"Oh, son of a bitch! How much interest?"
"Uhm.. Ten thousand dollars."
I pause and stare at Lenny trying to figure out if he is joking or not.
"You took a ten thousand dollar loan.. With a ten thousand dollar interest.. That is to be paid back next week.. From the Shark Brothers.. The same Shark Brothers who chopped that dry cleaner guy's dick off because he messed up their tuxedos.."
"Uhm.. Yeah, pretty much.." I think he realizes at this point the huge mistake he has just made.

"But its fine, man! I got tons of coke and some weed too. We're gonna be rich, brotha'! Rich!"
"No, Lenny! We are gonna be dead! Dead and dickless! You fucking idiot! How stupid can you fucking be?"
Lenny's cell phone rings. He answers.
"Hey bro. Whats up? Yeah, I know I owe you ten thousand for the coke, dude. Yeah, yeah, don't worry, I'll have it back to you by next week, no problem! Okay, see you later man." He hangs up.
I grind my teeth and rub my temples.
"So we owe the fucking coke heads ten thousand dollars too?"
"Huh? Oh, yes. Yes, we do."
"Thirty thousand dollars by next week huh?"
"Yep."
"I fucking hate you, Lenny."

"Oh come on, man. It's all good! Now where can I stash all this money and coke? " He gets up looking around and then heads into my bedroom. "Hey, how about this little filing cabinet in here this looks perfect!" Oh shit. I jump up and run into my room after him. "No, Lenny! Don't mess with that! Thats my private-"
I stop. He's looking into the cabinet puzzled.
"Uhh, Samuel..?"
I sigh.
"Yes, Lenny?"
"Why do you have a cabinet full of toenail clippings?"
I bury my face into my paws, humiliated.
"Well you see, Lenny.. I kind of have this uhm.. Fetish."
"Fetish? ..For toenail clippings?"
"Yes.."
He chuckles and drops the wad of money into the cabinet with the toenails. "You are a fucked up dude, Samuel." I glance over at Mr. Source who is standing in the corner smoking. "I know, Lenny" I reply. "I know."

[Corpus-Delicti]

MAKE THIS A BOOK, NOW!!

notcaps

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

At 2/8/10 01:47 PM, pieplane wrote: MAKE THIS A BOOK, NOW!!

notcaps

Thanks you. :]
And I dunno.. Maybe one day.

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Chapter Five - All Night Puke Party

A knock at the door. Who could be here this late at night? I stumble out of bed and to the door. Lenny is fast asleep on the couch, face covered in coke. I peer through the peep hole on the door. Its Rosa. Whats she doing here? I try to straighten my fur real quick and check to make sure my breath doesn't stink, it does. I pull the door open.

"Hey Rosa.. What are you doing here?"
"Sorry, I know it's late.."
"Oh, its fine. Just unexpected is all."
"I just wanted to come see you. I miss you since you left work."
"I've missed you too, Rosa. Come in."
I pull the door open and motion for her to step inside.

We tip toe past Lenny and go and sit down on my bed together. "I'm so sorry I showed up so late, Samuel. I'm just so busy lately I-"
"Its absolutely fine, Rosa. I don't sleep much at night anymore
anyways."
There is an awkward silence.
"I've been really lonely lately. Work just isn't as fun without you."
"Oh, I doubt its much different without me there."
"It is. I'm thinking about quitting. Mr. Bigman has been extra crazy lately. He's got fleas."
"Oh shit. How bad?"
She giggles.
"He's covered. Everywhere he goes a huge cloud of fleas follow. He's tried the shampoo but they seem to have built up an immunity. So he just sort of lays there on the floor in the fetal position most of the time, trembling."
"Wow, that doesn't sound so bad though."
"Oh that part is fine. Its when he's not on the floor that is horrible. He threw Maxwell out the window yesterday."
"Really? Is he okay?"
"Heh, sort of.. He's dead."
"Oh."

The light flickers and the air conditioner cuts on. " So what do you do all day?" She asks looking around at the empty, boring room.
"Nothing really.. Read, listen to the radio."
"Sucks that you have that Static Sickness thing. I don't know what I would do without television."
"Its not so bad. TV is bad for you anyway."
"Bad for you? Really?"
Mr. Source lays his hand on my shoulder.
"We're losing them, Samuel. Don't say things like that while we're on the air."
I ignore him.
"Yeah, it turns you into a mindless idiot."
She laughs.
"Oh really? Well with as much TV as I watch these days I must be a complete zombie."
"Stop it, Samuel. You are fucking up my broadcast."
"Nah, you seem okay for now. But you better cut back on your television viewing. You don't want pudding for brains, do you?"
"Oh, certainly not. That just sounds horrid."
"Thats it, Samuel. I've had enough of this nonsense."

I abruptly puke all over Rosa's dress. Then fall back on the bed twitching and gagging.
"Oh my God, Samuel! Are you okay?" She yells.
I gag.
"Oh, good. You scared me there for a minute."
I gag again. Then twitch.
"Really? I didn't-"
Vomit squirts from my mouth.
"Oh.. I-I love you too, Samuel."
"There we go. Ratings rising. Up! Up! Up!"
I pull myself up and get close to Rosa. Puke runs from my mouth and down her shoulder. She smiles.
"Now kiss her. Every show needs a little romance."
I reach up and run my paw through her feathers. Then we both close our eyes. I press my lips against her beak. Our tongues meet each other.
"Now puke down her throat, Samuel."

Lenny stumbles in. Obviously out of his mind on coke. "What the fuck is going on here, man?" He asks while hopping in place.
I turn to him, covered in puke.
"Rosa decided to stop by. We're just talking."
He pouts a little and stumbles over to Rosa, wagging his finger.
"So, Rosa! I heard that you.. You.. Think that I am a low life, huh?"
She scoots up against me.
"Oh I didn't mean-" She starts.
"Well fuck you Rosa! You think you're any better then me? Fuck you, you aren't shit! I should fucking-"
"Thats enough, Lenny! Get out of here."
"No! Not until she apologizes!"
Rosa gets pissed.
"Apologize? I'm not apologizing for shit! All you do is fuck Samuel over! He doesn't even have a job now because of you!"
She jumps up and gets in his face. They start arguing. I start to get up and stop them but Mr. Source stops me.

"Don't stop them. This'll be great for ratings. Look at this!"

His screen changes to the ratings graph which is now higher then its ever been and still continuing to rise.

"We are gonna be fucking rich, Samuel. So many viewers!" Mr. Source exclaims, fingering his cigarette.
"Stop this, man. They have nothing to do with this. This is getting way out of hand."
Mr. Source sighs.
"But the ratings, kid! Look at the ratings!"
"I don't give a shit about the ratings, Source. You know that."
"But you're the star, Samuel."
"I don't want to be the star."
He switches his screen to a view of nice little pond. A boat is in the middle, a couple of fishermen sitting inside it. His voice becomes distorted and the lights dim. I can no longer hear Rosa and Lenny arguing. Its as if they have been muted.
"Open the box, Samuel. Show your friends the new television."

A high pitch ringing. Its driving me crazy. I walk over to the box and rip it open. Then I sit the little TV on a desk in my room and plug it in. It cuts on and Mr. Source disappears along with the ringing. The lights return to normal and Rosa and Lenny's voices come back.
"Yeah, well at least I'm not a fucking duck!" Lenny yells.
"Real mature, Lenny. Bringing species into this. That has nothing to do with anything and you know it!"

The television cuts on and I puke. Gallons spray from my mouth covering Rosa and Lenny and just about everything else in to room. They stare at me in shock, dripping vomit. I look down at Rosa's toenails.

I wake up. Lenny is passed out on the floor covered in cocaine and puke. He's got dirty words written all over him in magic marker. Rosa is chopped up in bloody pieces in the corner of the room. Her head is on the desk where the television was, facing upwards with her beak open filled with puke. I'm not sure where the TV is at now. The room is covered in blood and coke and puke and blister puss.

Lenny wakes up rubbing his head. "Man, that was some party last night, dude."
"God, my head is killing me, man. I cant remember a thing."
He squints and looks over toward the pile of Rosa limbs.
"We better get rid of that, Samuel. It'll probably start to stink soon."

I get up and try to balance myself. The whole room is spinning. Then I notices a strange pain in my pants. Lenny gasps and points toward a wriggling mass in my crotch. "Oh shit, dude! Looks like someone's got Dick Slugs!"

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Chapter Six - Urine Sample

"Well you definitely have Dick Slugs, there's no doubt about that." The doctor comments staring at the huge swollen mass where my dick used to be. Slugs squirming in and out of little holes covering the area.
"But we are going to need a urine sample to determine the breed of Dick Slugs they are and the type of medication we will need to use."
"Urine sample? How the fuck do I even piss with my dick like this?"
"Well to do that we will need a couple of things."
The doctor digs around in a drawer and pulls out a pair of scissors and a plastic tube.

Fade in.

Mr. Dick Slug: What a day I had at work today, honey.

Mrs. Dick Slug: Yeah, well try staying at home with three crying children all day and then we'll talk.

Mr. Dick Slug: Oh they couldn't be that bad!

Mrs: Dick Slug: But they can! I had to beat them with my high heels just to shut them up!

Audience Laughs.

Mr. Dick Slug: Oh, you and your child abuse!

Audience laughs and applauds.

Mrs. Dick Slug: Well I finished dinner. I hope you like it.

Mr. Dick Slug: Lets see. Dick Loaf, my favorite!

Mrs. Dick Slug: Yep, I spent all day cooking it to perfection!

Mr. Dick Slug: And thats why I married her!

Audience applause and fade out.

"And there we go!" Exclaims the doctor as he places the other end of the tube into a bucket. "Now that didn't hurt too bad, did it?"
"It was the most painful thing I have ever felt in my entire life." I reply.

I now have a long tube coming from the blob mesh of slugs in my lap. The slugs do not seem to happy with the addition of the tube. They are squirming about angerly. "Hmm.. No urine.." The doctor observes. "Maybe I didn't feed the tube deep enough."
I gulp. Urine begins running through the tube and into the bucket.
"Oh never mind, there we go!" He laughs.
The urine continues to run out for a ridiculously long time. The doctor even falls asleep a couple of times.

The stream finally comes to an end. The doctor jumps awake. "Oh, finished are we? Okay, let see." He eyeballs the bucket of piss for a moment. Then kneels down and takes a huge whiff of it. "Hmm.. Seems to be Type B Dick Slugs. He kneels down even further and takes a sip of the pee and swishes it around in his mouth. He gulps it down.
"Yes, definitely Type B.. Or Type C. One or the other."
"Gee, thanks doc."

The doctor gets in close to me, his breath smelling of piss. "You know.." He starts. "You are a pretty cute cat, Samuel."
"Uhh..?"
"You wanna have gay sex?"
"Uhh.. Not real-"
He puts his gloved finger over my lips.
"Shh.. Shh.. Its okay. Doctor is going to make everything all better."
He reaches down and grabs hold of one of the Dick Slugs and yanks it out me.
"I mean.. I know I am just a Hamster.. And hamsters and cats should never.. You know.." He passes the squirming dick slug from hand to hand.
"But I like you, Samuel. Always have."
"Well, thats sweet, doctor. But I'm not-"
He brings the Dick Slug up to my mouth.
"Shut up, Samuel." He says.

"Hey, man! The doctor take care of those pesky Dick Slugs for you?" Lenny asks as I walk in to the apartment. "No, actually." I reply.
"He made me eat a couple of them. Then he raped me. Thats pretty much it."
"Oh.. Yeah, that sounds like the doc."
"He's raped you too?"
"Oh, hell no."
An awkward pause.
"Anyways, I apparently have either Type B or Type C Dick Slugs."
"Well uh.. Thats neat."
"Neat? No it is not neat. Its fucked, man. How the fuck did this happen?"
"Well, I mean.. You shoved your dick in a Dick Slug nest.. I told you it was gonna happen but you wouldn't listen."
"I don't remember any of this."
"Well I suppose you wouldn't. That dude with the television head said he was gonna clear out your memory."
"Ah fuck, he was here again? I told him I don't want to be in his damn TV show!"
"Yeah, you and him got in a big argument about that and he put this little beeping machine on your head. Guess thats what probably cleared your memory of the night."
"That bastard. What else happened?"
"I dunno.. Rosa was here too.. Talking about some suitcase that you left in the office."
"Shit! The suitcase! I did leave it in the office! Oh fuck, this is bad."

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Chapter Seven - Coke Heads With Hammers

Lenny is on the phone. I decide to eavesdrop. "Look guys, I'll have your fucking money. Just give me a couple more days. I just gotta sell the rest of this coke and it'll all be fine and dandy, okay?"

He groans and hangs up the phone. "Bad news?" I ask.
"Yeah, its bad fuckin' news! They want the money by midnight! How the fuck am I gonna get twenty thousand dollars by midnight? I did all the coke! And I spent the ten they gave me on more coke and did that too! Fuck, I'm fucked!"
"What about about the drug dealers?"
"Ah fuck, I forgot about them."

A knock at the door. "Shit!" Exclaims Lenny as leaps behind the couch. "Tell them I'm not home!" I roll my eyes and head over to the door and peer through the peep hole. "Yep, its the dealers. And they got hammers." I say.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." He mutters shivering under the couch.
I open the door.
"Good evening gentlemen." I say.
"We're looking for Lenny." They reply clutching their hammers.
"Oh, right. Well see he isn't-"
"Mind if we come in and look around?"
I gulp.
"Oh well, the house is actually really messy right now and-"
One of the guys holds a hammer in my face.
"Mind if we come in and look around.. Please?"

"God damn it, Samuel! Why'd you let those fucks in?!?" Lenny yells, his legs are now a bloody limp mess and his face is barely recognizable at this point.
"Sorry, dude. They were gonna fuckin' hit me too!"
"Agh! Look at this shit, man! I'm never gonna walk again!"
"Oh, don't say that.. You might."
"..You think so?"
"No way in hell, dude."
Lenny lays back against the table. Blood runs from his head across the table and drips off the other side.
"God, and the fucking sharks are coming tonight! They are gonna fuck me up ten times worse!"
"Look, man.. We're gonna leave town, okay? I just need to run down to the office and get my suitcase back. Then I'll come back for you and we'll leave. Just hang in there, buddy."
"Fuck the fucking suitcase, dude! They are gonna kill me!"
"Ha, just hide behind the couch again. That worked pretty well the first time."
"You're a fucking dickhole, dude."
"I'll be back. I promise."
"Cross your heart?
"Cross my heart."

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

I have to admit that I'm getting pretty discouraged by the lack of comments I'm receiving here.
I'm open to any criticism, good or bad. But none at all is pretty damn depressing.

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Chapter Eight - Never Going Back

I am outside the office that I used to work in. My suitcase is in there somewhere and I have to get it back. Luckily, they didn't think to take my access card back when they fired me.

I sneak up to the door and slide my card. The light turns green and the door pops open. I walk inside. Adam the Porcupine is standing at the water cooler. He notices me and raises and eyebrow. I put my finger over my mouth motioning for him to be quiet. "What are you doing here, man?" He whispers.
"Have you seen a suitcase in here anywhere?"
"I've seen a lot of suitcases in here, Samuel."
"A black one."
"Seen a lot of black ones."
"Thanks, you've been a ton of help."
Adam thinks to himself for a moment.
"You know, Samuel.."
"Yeah, Adam?"
"This city.. Its a horrible place."
"Yeah, I know, Adam."
"Filled with.. Horrible people."
"I know, Adam."
He looks down at the ground in deep thought. Then looks back up at me.
"Just be careful, Samuel. I don't want to see you get hurt."
"Thanks."

I crouch down and rush around hiding behind the walls of the cubicles. Workers are all rushing around but seem to preoccupied in their work to notice me. Everyone here seems to be infested with fleas. The whole office is crawling with fleas actually. I lean around a cubicle wall and peer in. There's an owl working on a spreadsheet. I don't recognize him. Must be a new guy.

My cubicle is just around the corner. Unfortunately, there is a whole group of workers right next to it. They seem pretty distracted but I don't want to take any chances. I decide to listen in on their conversation.
"I don't know. I don't think this revolution shit is a good idea."
"Oh come on, Ted. The boss is obviously out of his fucking mind. We have to put a stop to this before it gets any worse."
"I know but.. Kill him? That seems a bit extreme if you ask me."
"Well he killed Maxwell. I think its only fair."
"But Maxwell had it coming. I mean he was asking for it."
"Yeah, well so does Mr. Bigman. He's had it coming for a long time."
"I don't know, Debra. I think this whole thing is gonna end very badly."
"You just worry too much. There's twelve of us and only one of him. We cant fail."
"Maybe you're right."

So they have finally decided to kill the bastard, huh? Its about time. Cant say that I'll miss him. Now to find this fucking suitcase and get the hell out of here. I realize that Mr. Source has been standing over my shoulder this whole time. "The suitcase isn't in your cubicle, you know." He says.
"How do you know? Where is it?"
"The boss has it. Mr. Bigman."
"Shit. He hasn't opened it has he?"
"Well he doesn't have the lock combination now does he?"
"I would hope not."
"We need that suitcase back, Samuel. This weekend's big broadcast depends on it."
"I know, I know. But how am I supposed to get it back from him?"
"Well this whole revolution thing could probably work in our favor here, don't you think?"
"I suppose. But when were they planning on doing it?"
"Too long. I think they may need a bit of encouragement, a little push."
"What are you suggesting?"
"You need to give them a perfect opportunity to strike. To do that I think we may need to provoke another tiny attack."
"Like?"

I am tiny. Mr. Source has shrunk me and placed me on the hairy back of Mr. Bigman. Its filthy, flea shit everywhere. I need to find out who's in charge here and convince them to order a full force attack on to Mr. Bigman.

I see a couple of fleas fucking behind a giant pimple. One of the more disgusting things I've seen in my lifetime. I make my way over to them and clear my throat to get their attention. They both look up at me startled by my strange appearance. "Can you not see that my lover and I are quite busy at the moment, my odd looking friend?" The female flea states.
"Yes, quite busy, quite busy." The male flea chimes in.
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. I was just wondering if you could point me in the direction of whoever is in charge here?"
"In charge? Well thats the queen, of course." Says the female flea.
"You aren't from around here are you, sir?" Asks the male.
"No, I'm not. Anyways, where can I find this queen?"
"She's in Canyon Castle. But nobody is allowed in there except
royalty." She informs me.
"Its an underground castle located in the center of the world's largest canyon. Its too the south." He adds.
"So she's in his asshole? Well thats just dandy. Thanks for your help."
"Asshole? I have no idea what you are talking about. Either way, they would never let the likes of you into Canyon Castle. That Christ fellow paid our little city a visit once and they wouldn't even let him into Canyon Castle. They crucified him just for trying." She replies.
"Well thats okay. I don't plan on going into my boss' asshole anyway. I'm going to go now. Carry on with your disturbing flea intercourse."

They return to violently fucking. I take out my cell phone and call Mr. Source. "I hope you have good news, Samuel." He answers.
"Yeah, I think we're gonna need to come up with a new plan because uhh.."
"Look, I know the queen is in his ass. But we don't have a choice here, Samuel. Think about the ratings."
"Hey fuck you, Source. Its bad enough that I'm standing next to a giant pimple and am ankle deep in flea shit. There is no fucking way in hell that I am crawling up Mr. Bigman's asshole, okay? No fucking way."

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

A friend of mine drew Rosa a while back. I thought I'd show it to guys. :]

[Oobeedoopskadoobie]

Haha, I am very much enjoying this series. Please keep posting chapters, as It it getting very good. Keep up the good work!

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

At 2/11/10 09:07 PM, Oobeedoopskadoobie wrote: Haha, I am very much enjoying this series. Please keep posting chapters, as It it getting very good. Keep up the good work!

Thank you so much. I was getting pretty upset by the lack of interest in my story.
Here is the first half of the next chapter. :]
----

Chapter Nine - Lipstick

I am in a dense hair forest located in the world's largest canyon. In other words: My boss' ass crack. There are fleas everywhere here. An extremely skinny flea pops up next to me and puts his nasty leg on my shoulder. "Hey there guy.." He starts.
"Thats some pretty lipstick you got on there."
"Lipstick? I'm not wearing lipstick" I reply, confused.
"Really? That sure looks like lipstick to me."
"Yeah, well its not, okay?"
He thinks for a moment.
"You're trying to get into the castle aren't you?"
"I might be. Why?"
"I can get you in. I know people."
"Really? Whats the catch?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls of a tube of lipstick and hands it to me.
"What do you want me to do with this?" I ask.
"Put it on. Make yourself pretty."
"Oh, I don't really see the point in-"
"Put it on and I'll get you in Canyon Castle. Promise."

I sigh and open up the tube. Its dark red and looks like its melted in his pocket. I press the misshapen lump of red goo on my lips and smear it around. I make a complete mess and get it all over my cheeks and chin. Its all knotted up in my fur. "There. Happy?" I say handing him back the lipstick.
"Wow! You look beautiful!" He replies with a sincere smile.
"Thank you."
"You remind me of my wife. She died in a death shower a few years back. She could have made it if she would have just taken the vaccine like everyone else.."
"Well thats very sad and all. I need to know how to get in that castle though.."

[Wardsmith]

Holy crap, this would make the meanest flash cartoon. Hilarious.

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

At 2/12/10 01:16 PM, Mokevo wrote: Holy crap, this would make the meanest flash cartoon. Hilarious.

Thanks, dude. Feel free to animate it yourself if you like. ;]

[Spunky6666]

At 2/8/10 11:34 PM, OrgasmWoodChipper wrote: I have to admit that I'm getting pretty discouraged by the lack of comments I'm receiving here.
I'm open to any criticism, good or bad. But none at all is pretty damn depressing.

Well this is a good story. Cut down on the profanities, maybe?

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

At 2/13/10 09:15 PM, Spunky6666 wrote:

At 2/8/10 11:34 PM, OrgasmWoodChipper wrote: I have to admit that I'm getting pretty discouraged by the lack of comments I'm receiving here.
I'm open to any criticism, good or bad. But none at all is pretty damn depressing.

Well this is a good story. Cut down on the profanities, maybe?

Thanks for the comment. :]
As far as the profanity goes, its kinda just how I like to write. I've proven to myself on numerous occasions that I can write just as well without it so I know its not a crutch or anything. I just like giving my characters potty mouths I guess. Most of it is just sort of there and could be easily removed if I ever needed to censor a work. So its all good.

[Oobeedoopskadoobie]

Might I ask for the next half? and maybe the chapter after that. and the next one....

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

At 2/14/10 07:30 PM, Oobeedoopskadoobie wrote: Might I ask for the next half? and maybe the chapter after that. and the next one....

Yeah, all that I posted had been already written months ago. I plan on starting back on it soon. Thanks for your interest. :]]]]

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Just thought I'd let everyone know that I actually sent this into a publisher and got pretty decent feedback.
They basically told me if I flesh it out and add more in between scenes to make it flow better that they'd be willing to consider something.
So I guess I better not post anymore of the story on here until I know whats going on there.. Just in case.
Cross your fingers for me, guys. =D

[stimcrab]

This is absolutely insane! It's pretty flawless, stylistically, too. I mean, there are some things here and there, but I don't want to nitpick, which I know I do (see Wiz's story), so I'll ignore them, haha. good luck on getting published. If you do, I'll go to any book signing nearby so I can meet the person I almost battled. Now that I've read more of your stuff, I'm (almost) glad we didn't because I know I would've lost!

[Imperator]

Synopsis: A diseased cat and a crippled,

cocaine addicted rabbit try to escape sharks, a flea
infested bear and a deranged television producer.

Almost as good as a Swedish Chef who rides a pet velociraptor who travels the world sprinkling flower petals everywhere that emit euphoria-inducing odors. The chef is named Lieutenant Neurosis and the velociraptor is called Bob.

Minor Points:

You gonna be late for work, man!

Not sure if it's intentional, but:
"You're gonna..."
If intentional, ignore the above.
Henceforth, anything with ** means I'm not sure if it's intentional (as part of the character's dialect or speech patterns), or a spelling error.

responsibility to wake you up ever god damn mornin' anyway, Samuel.

**every

But if this late stuff is going to start being a habit you are gonna leave

**becoming for being

"No sir. I promise it wont happen again."

won't. (missing apostrophe)

"Yeah, you are certainly a better person then I am."

than

But you really gotta ask yourself whats best for you sometimes."

what's

Mr. Bigman throws the flea in his mouth and swallows it.

"Alright everyone, Line up! We are having a mandatory flea check! God damn it I hate fleas!"

I know part of this is due to NG's limitations, but paragraph break after here.

The fucking pigs showing up at our door everyday

double entendre FTW.

Oh well, I don't need the fucking thing anymore anyway.

You have any idea how many people would have said "anyways"? You get bonus points just for keeping that extra S off.

The salesman is a Iguana with a face covered in disgusting pulsing blisters

an Iguana

Its a loan from the Shark Brothers

And again. One ticket to the Roflcopter express please.
This is like writing about a starving man from Hungary named "Arvina" (Latin for fat/lard/grease). Or a farmer named Agricola.
Then again, how many Greek plays have there been with kings named Creon (yes, Creon in Greek means "king")?

You know very well you cant make ten thousand

can't

You go give those shark's back their loan

sharks

I cant just go give them the money back

can't.

Whats she doing here?

What's.
I'm going tough on the contractions because you seem to take care in writing them 95% of the time, so I'm figuring the times I'm listing are clerical errors....and not just me being a Nazi.

"Oh, its fine

it's

"Oh, I doubt its much different without me there."

it's

Its when he's not on the floor that is horrible

It's

Its as if they have been muted.

It's

Its driving me crazy

It's

I cant remember a thing.

can't

Stopped reading (for now) at Chapter 6.

Major Points:

1.) You are a sick, twisted human being, and it seems to be working out quite nicely.
This is one case where I have no reference; your writing style is the first of its type I've seen.

Overall the story is fairly immersive. I found myself reading on if only to find out just how twisted this can actually get.

And that's really your star moment here, in that just when I think it can't get any more bizarre, you start talking about Dick Slugs. It's certainly captivating just to find out what happens next.

That said, I'd start to worry about the length a little. Most stories build up to a climax and then release the tension toward the end, maybe starting off a little slower at 1, then building to 10. Yours starts at 15 and by the time I took a break from reading had climbed to around 152,347 with no intent to slow down. As you climb, I think you're going to find it more difficult to push those extremes, but then again, you certainly have the imaginative and creative capabilities of sending us WAY outside Jupiter on this one.....

It works well in the short chapter format you're using, it can just be a little daunting to get that much all at once. This needs to come with a warning label with the words "small doses" somewhere within.....

6 chapters in one sitting pretty much drained me for the evening. The good news is it definitely kept my attention, so I'll be reading on......as soon as I recover from the brain melting that just occurred.

2.) Stylistically it's intriguing. I find myself wondering if I'm missing a lot of hidden references or innuendos, or wondering if it's really just regular bizarre. It's not the deepest or most descriptive of stories, but you do a very decent job of revealing the picture within your dialogue, and the snippets in between.

The heavy emphasis on dialogue makes it read like a comic, while still being "controlled" as it were within a generally consistent short narrative framework. It jumps around occasionally but the logic follows fairly nicely from A to Zed. I'm half waiting for Ted Knight to tell me "Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice", just for the fuck of it. Just because there's still one piece of me grounded on planet Earth.

If a piece of writing can be described as "fast-paced", I would use that term here. You introduce a lot of characters, plot elements, and characteristics at quick intervals. I don't have a lot of time to soak in a decapitated duck head filled with puke before you force me to deal with the concept of Dick Slugs. If someone asked what this work was about, I really would have zero clue what to tell them. This is like a roller coaster in the dark; it's completely off the walls, I have no idea which direction is up or down, what in God's name will happen next, or where the Hell I'm at.......but it is pretty damned fun.

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Thanks for the awesome feedback, Imperator!
First off I want to give you a huge thank you for pointing out the grammar errors for me. I knew it was packed full of them and was dreading having to go through a pick out each one but it looks like you did it for me. So thanks a million for that one. :D

And I think you'll be pleased to know that I've been spending the last few days adding in tons of down time character development in between the action as the publisher I submitted to told me the same thing. So while the story is looking like its gonna be much longer then originally planned (Every chapter is almost twice as long as it originally was now.) I think it is going to be a much greater story as a result.

As far as not getting what its about. Its not really about anymore then what the synopsis said. Its just sort of a surreal stream of strange events in a couple of weirdo's lives. There are some major reoccurring plot lines which will be more obvious later on such as the mysterious suitcase, the extreme drug debt, Samuel's boss going insane and chasing him down, the television show that Samuel is the star of, ect. ect. ect.

Thanks so much for the big review, dude! <3

[Imperator]

At 2/26/10 09:52 PM, OrgasmWoodChipper wrote: First off I want to give you a huge thank you for pointing out the grammar errors for me. I knew it was packed full of them and was dreading having to go through a pick out each one but it looks like you did it for me. So thanks a million for that one. :D

You're gonna give some poor editor a stroke.....
Then again, I've heard quite a number of prominent authors don't bother with punctuation or spelling or anything, so just consider it the writer's version of Savant Syndrome and a backhanded compliment. ;)

And I think you'll be pleased to know that I've been spending the last few days adding in tons of down time character development in between the action as the publisher I submitted to told me the same thing.

Indeed it does.
1. Because I think it will improve the overall quality.
2. Because if I'm on the same page with a professional publisher, I feel like I'm on the right track with my hobby in being an amateur lit critic.

As far as not getting what its about. Its not really about anymore then what the synopsis said. Its just sort of a surreal stream of strange events in a couple of weirdo's lives. There are some major reoccurring plot lines which will be more obvious later on such as the mysterious suitcase, the extreme drug debt, Samuel's boss going insane and chasing him down, the television show that Samuel is the star of, ect. ect. ect.

I thought so, but I generally am reading things like Cicero's In Catilinam or Caesar's Commentarii de Bello Gallico, where the veiled messages are thick, plentiful, and removed by 2000 years of context and history. So I never really know.

Thanks so much for the big review, dude! <3

Bitte schön.

[stimcrab]

Bitte schön.

Are you really German, Imperator?

[Imperator]

At 2/26/10 11:05 PM, stimcrab wrote:
Are you really German, Imperator?

Nein. Irisch bin ich, aber lerne Deutsch sprechen und lesen.

Been taking German since January, along with French.

[Imperator]

Read the rest.

I'll add just a few comments:

1.) As I said in my previous post, I was a little worried the intensity of the story would mean the reader may become gradually desensitized and make the story get a little boring as it went on. I think I'm right, but you seem to have a limitless supply of imaginative ways of keeping the story interesting and on the edge of the surreal.

2.) The last 3 chapters add more elements to the story. It's just as twisted and insane, but I found myself genuinely amused with the addition of comedy. 6 and 7 especially had me reading with a wry stupid grin on my face.

3.) And the additional story elements, as well as the comedy, make the last couple of chapters a little lighter than the previous ones. IMO, it's a better read. We're still skyrocketing off the charts, but it's a much more manageable pace; meaning the reader can come along for the ride. There's more time for the reader to absorb everything, and you're not keeping attention by simply bombarding them with the most insane and crazy ideas you can think of. There's a little more depth to it, there's some funny moments.

Really, what these things do is draw out the bizarre episodes. When the last several paragraphs are bizarre, throwing more bizarre diminishes the effect. But when you're throwing some comedy like you did in 6 and 7, it gives a little more relatability to the "par for the course" crazy. I honestly thought that 6 and 7 were the best chapters. I thought the bit at the doctor's office was damned funny. "Wanna have gay sex?". God, just out of nowhere, here comes the roflcopter swooping from the sky.

The first 6 left me tired, but these last ones didn't. I'm ready for more, and more importantly, as a reader, had there been more up, I would not have stopped reading. It's a pretty good Page Turner.

I can definitely see this being like a 1-2 chapters per week column somewhere.

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

Thanks for the awesome review. I honestly didn't expect you to actually come back and read the rest. :]
I'll keep you guys updated on the story. I've been writing a lot more and if the publishing stuff doesn't work out then I'll be posting it here. So keep checkin' up. :3

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

shameless bump?