Puke Cat
and
The Dangerous Dick Slugs
A story by - Sean Kelly
Synopsis: A diseased cat and a crippled,
cocaine addicted rabbit try to escape sharks, a flea
infested bear and a deranged television producer.
Chapter One - Laid Off
The disease has gotten worse. I can't even get near a television without puking uncontrollably. And I always knock the signal out and piss people off. It's called Static Sickness. There's only a couple known cases in the world and I'm one of them.
"Hey Samuel! You gonna be late for work, man!" Calls my roommate, Lenny, from the kitchen. I look over at the clock on my bedside. 7:32 A.M. Shit, he's right! I jump up from my bed and run into the bathroom. Fuck, my fur is a mess. But I don't have time for a shower. I grab a comb and begin frantically combing through my fur around my ears. Wait, is that a flea? "God dammit, Lenny! I told you not to bring fleas in the fucking apartment!"
Lenny pops his head around the corner. "Man, sorry. I met this tight ass little chimpanzee down at the club the other night. Started grindin' on me and shit. She had a few fleas but it was so worth it."
"Yeah well, now I'm having to suffer too, dude. I can't go into work with fleas!"
"Calm down, my brotha'. I got new bottle of flea shampoo right over there."
"Shit, I don't have time for this, Lenny. I'm gonna be late!"
"Well I told ya to get up over an hour ago, dude."
"What? No, you didn't!"
"I didn't? Oh yeah."
"Fuck!" I stick my head in the sink and start scrubbing it all over with the flea shampoo. "It's not my fuckin' responsibility to wake you up ever god damn mornin' anyway, Samuel."
"Well it's not like you do anything else around here! I'm the only one paying the fucking bills in this place. You don't even have a job, man!"
I get some flea shampoo in my eyes.
"Agh! God damn it!"
"Ha, watch it man. That shit burns like a bitch. And I'm working on the job shit, dude. You know how hard it is to get a fuckin' job in this city. Nobody wants to hire a fuckin' Rabbit. All they want is god damn Lions and Eagles and shit. Rabbits don't get any fuckin' respect in this place!"
"Yeah, well the work force isn't too fond of cats either and I still managed to get a job. You aren't even trying!"
Lenny steps into the bathroom and starts taking a piss. "I am so trying! I just went down to that fucking book store and filled out an application last week!"
"Oh yeah, great! That was the first application in what? Three months?"
Lenny zips up and walks back out into the doorway.
"Well I've tried every fuckin' place in this city! You should just calm the fuck down, man. I-am-working-on-it."
He walks away still mumbling something.
I rinse the flea shampoo out and quickly begin combing the flea corpses out of my fur. "And for fuck's sake will you start flushing the god damn toilet, Lenny!" I flush the toilet.
"If it's yellow let it mellow, man!" He yells from the kitchen.
Boss looks angry. Tapping his big bear claws on the desk and staring at the clock. I take a deep breath and shuffle over to him. "Hey, Mr. Bigman I'm sorry I'm-"
"This is the third time this week, Samuel. Whats going on?"
"I'm sorry sir. My alarm clock is broken and I've been relying on my roommate to wake me up in the mornings but he-"
"Alarm clocks are like ten bucks, Samuel."
"I know sir. I'm going to buy one this afternoon and-"
"Look. Its bad enough that I have to put up with you constantly puking on everything and knocking out all our television reception. If you weren't such a hard worker I would have fired you long ago. But if this late stuff is going to start being a habit you are gonna leave me no choice but to fire you, kid. And I don't think you want to have to start looking for another job again."
"No sir. I promise it wont happen again."
"Alright. It better not. Cause I got a whole cabinet full of applications right here. I could replace your ass in two seconds."
"Yes sir."
I sit down in my cubicle and get to work. I hate my job. Rosa, one of my coworkers, notices me as she's walking by. She's a duck. She glances both ways to make sure the boss isn't around and then comes in and sits on my desk. "Hey buddy, heard you got you chewed out by Mr. Bigman today."
"Yeah, its fucking Lenny's fault. I trusted him to wake me up this morning and he couldn't even manage to do that."
"Why don't you just kick that low life out of there? He doesn't do shit."
"I know, man. But I can't. He's been my friend since high school. I can't just throw him out in the streets."
"Yeah, you are certainly a better person then I am."
"He is trying to get a job now. But it's tough, you know?"
"Yeah, I know how it is. Its sweet you care about your friend and all. But you really gotta ask yourself whats best for you sometimes."
"Nah, he's not that bad. He's a bit messy, bit noisy. But he doesn't really hurt anything most of the time."
"If you say so. Uhm.. Is that a flea on your head?"
I clear my throat and flick the flea off.
"Flea? What flea? I don't have fleas!"
Rosa raises an eyebrow.
"Well it sure looked like a flea. You better be careful, you know how Mr. Bigman gets about-"
"God damn it mother of fuck!" Yells Mr. Bigman from just outside the cubicle.
"Who brought this fucking flea in here? I swear to God if I find out who's bringing fleas in my fucking office!"
Mr. Bigman picks up the flea with his big claw and eyes it.
"No, please don't kill me!" Begs the little flea in a squeaky little voice.
Mr. Bigman throws the flea in his mouth and swallows it.
"Alright everyone, Line up! We are having a mandatory flea check! God damn it I hate fleas!"
"So he fired ya, man? Just like that?" Lenny doesn't seem too remorseful about causing me to lose my job.
"Yeah, he fucking fired me! And its your fuckin' fault, dude! You just had to go and fuck a skanky ass flea infested monkey! Now-"
"Hey, man. You woulda' done the same thing. You should seen the the titties on this-"
"I don't give a shit, Lenny! What the fuck are we gonna do now? Neither of us have fucking jobs. How the hell are we gonna pay the bills dude? We're both gonna be on the fucking streets now!"
"Dude, come on. We ain't goin' nowhere. I'll figure something out."
"Yeah? Like what, man? You said it yourself, no one wants to hire a fucking Rabbit and I'm sure as hell not gonna be able to find another job anytime soon!"
Lenny thinks for a moment.
"Well, I could start sellin' again.."
"What? No, we aren't starting that shit up again. The fucking pigs showing up at our door everyday. I can't take the stress of that
anymore."
"Well, I dunno what you expect me to do then, dude."
I let out a big sigh and sink into the couch.
"I don't know. I guess there's nothing we can do."
"What about that girlfriend of yours? Rosa? She'd let us move in right?"
"She's not my girlfriend. And no way in hell would she let us move in. Not you anyway."
"What? Whats the bitch got against me? I ain't done shit to her."
"The same thing everyone else has against you, dude. You're a fucking lazy ass, annoying, inconsiderate low life prick!"
Lenny is quiet. I feel bad.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It's just-"
"Save it, man. You already said it. I don't need this shit. I'm goin' to bed."