My first poem in the new forum

[megakill]

The gauntlet has claimed another
Like the embers of sweet misery embodying tainted shadows
Bleeding out smiles to appease forbidden fruits
How the splinters of hollow tears shall stain our skin
Yet the fabric of hope promises false desire
Driving us to rape the colour of passion
Feeding our cravings, sowing us back together
But stitches will fray and so
Malice and despair will gush from open wounds
And as the eye draws to close
A priceless gem will fall
It will leave screams in its wake
But silence will echo with immaculate chorus
As our valour drains

hope you enjoyed it.

[DumbassDude]

At 1/26/10 05:51 PM, megakill wrote::

hope you enjoyed it.

I very much did, very powerful words, but varied as you are in terms of adjectives, you didn't really give me any sense of real imagery as you used too many conjunctions and prepositions. You told me what was happening, and exactly how it was happening, you didn't leave much to my own imagination and in result, my own interpratation.

For example; "A priceless gem will fall..."
Your poem sparks chaos and horrific situations which should leave room for imagery, but unfortunately you have told me that there is only 1 gem, usually chaos will suggest a number of things will happen and the concept of any amount of your scenarios happening at the same time can boggle the mind and make your poem seem more powerful.

Hope I helped, I thats just my preference when it comes to those types of poems. Pretty good overall.

[megakill]

Hey, thanks man, im glad you liked it. ill make sure i bare your advice in mind when im writting my next one.

[Tri-Nitro-Toluene]

It reads fine as a poem from what I can tell. But I dunno, something doesn't really work for me with it. I don't really get the idea that there is actually a specific thing the poem is about. I read it and it jsut appears to be a load of well written sentences about nothing.

There's nothing wrong with that per se, but I prefer poetry to have a meaning behind it, specifically one I can easily identify.

It's well written as I can see it, I'm just not sure what it is you've written about.

[megakill]

At 1/26/10 06:15 PM, Tri-Nitro-Toluene wrote:

There's nothing wrong with that per se, but I prefer poetry to have a meaning behind it, specifically one I can easily identify.

It's well written as I can see it, I'm just not sure what it is you've written about.

Yeah, i can appriciate what you mean. This one is quite personal to me, so its a bit more cryptic than the other stuff ill be posting. Its got a solid meaning, but it refers to a particular situation i was in, and how i saw the world at the time.

Im glad you think its well written though.