I like the inspiration behind this piece and the interesting directions being taken. I think what's keeping me from fully enjoying it is not knowing really what's happening structurally, not really conforming to any of the genres mentioned, and lack of super strong transitions.
As tends to be with hiphop there's not really a presence of a strong lead line, but there's not really a droning 808 bass line on those sweet offbeats to sort of suspend the listener's disbelief and convince them not to care. The lead we do have is pretty repetitive and also at times not sure where it's going, like on your big sections. Or mixed muddy, with a lot of reverb.
So before I would really think about talking mix, I would study some lead writing, do some YT research. Your ideas aren't bad. Just need to clean them up, differentiate them from the accompaniment.
But mix wise, I hear a lot of reverb bleeding. This means the wet signal is high and the low cut is below 250 hz usually. That's fine on say someone walking down a hallway but when you get lots of instances on multiple instruments, it tends to get screwy and covers up other sound in the mix, especially bass. I heard a lot of that here.
If you want to try traditional melodies, look up Japanese temple music. That shit gets wild.
Thanks for coming out to NGUAC!