I'm not a fan of the source track. It sounds like an unfinished piece for a Castlevania title, which isn't too surprising since Numata did the arrangements for Ghouls'n Ghosts, though GnG's music didn't heavily lean into the... what would you call it? I guess, the "Gothic flair" provided by Terashima, Yamashita, and Matsubara. For as short as it is, the original still managed to make itself repetitive before it even had a chance to loop, and the only saving grace came from random battles constantly interrupting the track before most players could notice.
Keeping in mind my (non-professional) opinion on all that, I think you've done a fine job with the remix. Since you've already admitted to the eighties feel, I'm going to assume the messy, cluttered sound was intentional. I wish those synthetic vocals (or whatever that particular sound is that goes "Da-da! ... Da-da!") were a little louder, and I wonder if this would benefit from mixing with another song. I already stated my thoughts on the original feeling incomplete. Could something else from Numata (maybe even something from Ghouls'n Ghosts) be added to help diminish the sameyness? If not here, then what about a future remix of various popular songs all created by the same video game composer being combined into one?