What this remix really gets right is song structure. For instance, in the first 30 seconds, you did a great job of continuously intensifying the tone. It's a proper build-up, done really well. Every section of the song is well-balanced, and each one is just about the right length in proportion to the overall piece. One thing it's lacking is variety in terms of melody. It would have been cool if you were to move beyond the original 10-note pattern as the piece progressed, building on it in some way and getting really creative with it. This remix is short enough, though, that it's excusable enough.

You're really improving a lot!