I can definitely tell there are some parts missing, particularly around the breakdown in the middle. Even so, it sets a somber mood (in a good way).
I think one thing I would've enjoyed is a bit of play with the stereo field, particularly with one of the cymbals that sounds kinda dead center, I think bouncing it back and forth even just 10-15% would give it a cool extra dimension.
Hard to judge without the missing parts, but I think it would make sense to do a variation of the drum pattern after the breakdown, instead of the very same, maybe even adding some closed hats on every 16th or something, adding a bit of energy.
Anyway my comments are probably a bit pointless given it's an unfinished scrapped piece. Definitely enjoyed it, mix on point and all.