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Week 22 2017 (Acapella)

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Week 22 of my weekly verse project for 2017... or as I so creatively called it: Project 2017. I'm picking out a few of my favorites from the start of the year and uploading them here in these last days before it's over, but if you want to hear all they are all here: https://cyberd.org/p2017

Feedback's always appreciated, though note I didn't spend all that much time editing these, so sound quality may vary.

Lyrics:

I'm standing at the train station waiting
How many hours passed since my last vacation
It's Monday and the next's coming up Thursday's end
You could almost say it's almost too adjacent
And it's cold up North at the place we're gon' spend
Four days! But it was warm at the place we all went and
That was North too so maybe godsent:
We can get some sun too? Some karma God spent
Arm us with a hard tent! Made of plywood
I go hard every DAY like every guy should
My hood's pretty calm a place unlike hoods
But I'm good I farm each day then go wild like Vinewood
And I should probably shave my face but I'm weird
Can't decide if I should go fly or all beard
Like I can't decide between short or tall hair
I'm indecisive, but at least I'm like this all year
It's how I live, every day like "aw yeah"
That classy sample you keep hearing all years
This one's unstable but I'm above it,
Life is all a balance and I love it.

Was at a Royal Republic! Concert today
And tomorrow it's time for INVASN
It's work all day but after work play and play all the way until days end
Days pass fast there's no escaping.
But at least have a blast while you may scream
So you sleep deep night and have a great dream
And wake up and make seem all is amazing (cause it is, or what paper you chasing?)
Forget the mainstream...

And let me say that though Royal played on a small stage
They were all the rage! They ROCKED that place
The lead singer was both a boss and a sage (like Oz, and what a voz), he went loco
And drums, guitars: pro tools
They went postal, both modern and classic rock all but post cool
Oldskool! So tonight I feel dope you
Folks missed out on one of the dopest shows this year (if you care)
But I was there, HELL YEAH, now I'm just waiting on the train to get back get a snack call my peers go to bed and get ready for whatever follows
In that time we call tomorrow...
That time there's no time better than and right now
I'm sitting on the train editing my lettering... soon home and then I can...
Record this in all it's: glory, then say it's time for bed again cause now I've told my story.
Let it all... be.

What's up with these finishing lines?
I can't find one that feels 'in' in my mind
So maybe there won't be a fin like it's not a shark but a dolphin!
But no matter what kind of fish it is we all swim,
That's the business, kid, and it's all in: tin like Tintin go all in or... nah that might get you killed.
But shoot me with a Tommy gun (baby) if you will (with fake ammunition of course man like paintball I don't want to get killed...).

Yeah.

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Starting out loving this flow. Classic. I can almost hear it as I read it -- and when I go back and listen, I feel where you're going with it. All I want to address a couple points where we've got words used twice in the same bar, or rhymes/diction are/is a little weak compared to your stronger bars:

It's Monday and the next's coming up Thursday's end
You could almost say it's almost too adjacent

I had a little trouble understanding the TH in Thursday so it made this rhyme sound weaker than it really was. IRL, Thursday's end and adjacent work brilliantly. Just hard to work Thursday into that bar without having some way to imply a full stop.

My hood's pretty calm a place unlike hoods

This one only sounds a bit off. Could be phrased better, My hood's pretty calm, unlike most hoods -- and keep all the same syllables.

I see you're working that ourobouros rhyme scheme. Most famous to use it would probably be Drake. You might find some inspiration looking up the scheme, technique, and... actually I just remembered I found this looking up ... Friedmann Findiesen's video on the subject. Basically, the excitement is not knowing where the flow is going to break for the end-rhyme -- generally not in the same bar, which is a freestyle technique that can translate into writing really, really interesting bars.

1:20 is really loud!

Rest of the track flows like butter. Nice outro!

Cyberdevil responds:

Hmm all valid points! Regarding the hood line, the 'my hood' rhymes with 'I'm good', then 'calm a place' -> 'farm each day' (not an exact rhyme though), then two internal rhymes in the second line before the finishing 'vinewood' to match the 'my hood' again. So changing that particular line would change a lot, I was pretty proud of how that one turned out... but agree with the previous. Could've maybe said 'first day's' for clarity... there should be ways in that space. .)

Honestly I've barely touched the topic of rhyme scheme types. Good to know! And interesting. I remember hearing some interview with one of P. Diddy's prodige's speaking about how he was pretty frustrated with all the changes he wanted him to make in his lines, but the main thing was always going for the unexpected there. Never predictable end rhymes. It does add an edge, I agree. I'm terrible with freestyles though! XD Anyway great notes, and thanks again for an in-depth review! The last line's a homage to the aforementioned band, if you haven't heard them. :) Really a highlight of last year's concerts.

Credits & Info

Cyberdevil
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262
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1
Downloads
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Votes
3
Score
3.17 / 5.00

Uploaded
Dec 28, 2017
12:41 PM EST
Genre
Hip Hop - Modern
File Info
Voice
5.6 MB
2 min 28 sec
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