Seems this may be the realest of all these real talks. Since it was posted a while ago I hope you're well on your towards a brighter future now? At least mentally. The mindset means so much. It's your perspective of the world that shapes it, and since your mind's your own you can really make it anything you want it to be. You have the freedom to perceive the world in it's best light, even if it often feels like a darkening dystopia. Don't feel like your a burden to others, but be appreciative, and return the favor as well as you can. There's nothing as heavy as guilt. Like I learned via One Piece: you can't do everything yourself: find good friends to confide in (as it seems you have) and grow stronger together.
Feels like the people below have a bit more concrete advice on offer though, my advice usually seem to turn into somewhat generic quotes on self-improvement. :) Also, as has been said money's just a means to reach your dreams. Seems like you're already doing what you love doing, you just need to find... confidence? Well, I don't know what it is you need to find exactly, but hope you find it. That search sometimes seems to be what life's all about. Good luck. And thanks for the reflective podcast, makes you think a bit too, about what's really important. As In: what is it, really? Not so easy to answer without just referencing the answers of others...
Yep it certainly was. Thank you :) I'm much better since last year.
fear is good for nothing
easier said than done, i know i know
you gotta fucking snapoutta that zone man
here's how you do it:
YOU SAY YOU'RE A FUCKINGPIECEOF FILTH BUT YOUREFREE!!!
DONT BE FUCKING TERRIFIED TO TRY YOUR BEST AND FAIL
YOULL DIE REAL SOON AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL TOO
NOTHING IS REALLY IMPORTANT
ONLY YOUR CONSCIOUS EFFORT
YOUR FUCKING GUT FEELING THAT NEEDS TO EXPLODE FROM WITHIN
SO FUCKING GIVEIT YOUR ALL
YOU'RE AFRAID YOU'LL AMOUNT TO NOTHING????
IS THAT IT?????
MOTHERFUCKER WE ARE NOTHING!!!!11!11!
EVERYTHING IS FUCKING POINTLESS
IT WILL ALL END WHEN YOU DIE
WHEN WE ALL DIE
AND NOTHING WILL HAVE MATTERED
FUCK ALL O' THEM JUDGING PIECES OF SHIT
LOOK INSIDE YOUR OWN FUCKING BRAIN CASKET
AND LOOK FOR THAT FEELING!
THAT MAKES YOU FORGET ALL THE MUNDANE BULLSHIT
AND JUST FLOW WITH IT!!!!1!
STOP WASTING YOUR TIME BEINGSTUCKINTOTHATSHIT
GO ROB A BANKANDDESTROY SOME PRIVATEPROPERTY
YOUCANNEVERESCAPEYOUR OWN REALITY
WHILEYOULIVE, TO BE THE RULER OF LIFE,
TOMEETLIFE AS A POWERFULCONQUEROR,
WILLEVER TAKE COMMANDOF YOU
This review is going to mirror the sentiments that I left on your blog post regarding the same subject.
The first step, is to stop victimizing yourself. Sure, you may have a clinically diagnosed mental illness. Sure, it may be harder for you to blend into what society unfounded deems as normal. But there are plenty of people with mental illnesses with jobs, and plenty of people that are supposedly mentally well that cannot find jobs. Look at reality. The world is vastly overpopulated. There is a myriad of people in each city that have more experience, better skills, college degrees, etc. than you do. An employer is going to find the person that makes the most sense to them, or they could be out of a job themselves. The issue here probably isn't discrimination, but has more to do with adhering to a specious capitalist notion.
Which leads to my second point. Do not worry about success, as success is largely dependent on circumstances. You cannot control your circumstances, or your environment. But worry about your value as a human being. Being a willing worker, that continues to send out resumes and applying for jobs, shows a work ethic and persistence, is indicative of a good personal value on its own. Continue to work on self-betterment; music/artistic pursuits is one outlet to do such. You could also try taking classes at a community college, both for academic and social benefit. The classes may be paid for you by the school if they know of your financial situation; it's worth a shot. Next dig deeper into your perceived problems- what exactly did you do at your past jobs to feel you screwed up? why did this happen? what specifically could you have done to rectify the situation? Then lastly, recognize that your ability to see your own faults and admit that you have made a mistake, is another good value that you have. Many people will try to hide or ignore their mistakes, and shy away from criticism, ultimately never improving.
Victimization means you are in danger of following a self-fulfilling prophesy- that you describe here as being worthless (wrong) and unable to work (wrong). If you believe this, then obviously you are going to be depressed and have a low-self esteem. I truly believe that the first step to finding inner peace is to stop assuming the role as a perpetual victim even if there is some degree of truth behind the idea.
I gave several reasons above as to why you are valuable to society...
You also are able to carry out a conversation, provide assistance to other people.
You are a nice individual, appreciative of people giving you feedback.
You are intelligent.
And importantly, you may have social hindrances, but by no means are you disabled.
But yet you still cannot find a job, which isn't your fault. Financial security in this world still remains a necessity.
Explain to your parents that you have put out several resumes, and will continue to job hunt.
There are innumerable people in the United States that are in your predicament, but they still need to put food on the table. Food cost money. Getting unemployment/welfare is one way to receive the funds in order to not starve. If your situation comes down to this, explain to your parents that you are going to request temporary unemployment compensation to partially relieve your/their financial burden, and that disability is simply just a title. I wouldn't bring up the point that you feel you are getting discriminated against. Your parents may see this as you wallowing in self-pity. What they should see is that you are trying to find a job, and have just encountered unlucky circumstances that are out of your control. Absolutely no shame in that.
You can follow all the information/reviews/comments/well-wishes people send you're way...and it still won't guarantee the answer to your questions. We live in a f*cked up world where sh*t happens. At the end of the day, people can give you advice on how to find yourself, peace, and happiness, but it is the most complex search that you will go through in life, a quest that only you can figure out yourself.
True. I just gotta roll with the punches. I'm probably just going to go on disability as many recommended. It would give me freedom and money. Thanks for the kind words. My mom doesn't seem to understand due to being from 2 generations before me. She won't fully understand but many smart people I know have recommended this and I know people who do well on disability. You're absolutely right. Thanks.
I feel like the reason I have been in this mindset is because I'm caring and thankful for lal my parents have done and I put this weight on myself to pay them back and try to make myself something to show it wasn't a waste. But I need to find happiness with myself, in what I do. Thanks.
The secret to the modern existence is nobody is truly self-sufficient. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, a backboard to drop words to, and someone to ease their burdens when they aren't able to handle them themselves.
I'm one of those disorder guys, too, so I know how it goes.
I'm also a guy who really enjoys partaking in hobbies. I have for 9 years now, aged 22. I do some rocking code work, some okay writing, some really shit tier art. I found such hobbies amidst coming to terms with my disorders at about age 12 to 13 roughly.
Before then, I hated who I was. Partially, because I was a real diamond in the rough when I was young, but partially because I felt I lacked character and purpose. I had no accomplishments to call my own, and exchange I felt I inconvenienced people to keep me chugging along in my daily, mundane life.
But that's not true. After finding a hobby, I had work I loved doing and small, tangible products (including many unfinished ones I still enjoyed doing and people enjoyed the concept of) I enjoyed releasing. Having even just that one thing I can pat myself on the back on (which to be honest, is really, truly only coding) made a huge difference to my mood, because it's infinitely more than zero.
I'm still not self sufficient and things still aren't easy for me. But by now I take pride in myself as a person, and not by accomplishments, but because I'm still in the game. I've been handed shit cards in life for a game that's been very unrewarding, but on the whole I've kept my poker face and hung in as long as I could.
That's the funny thing, the thing that I thing is most iconic about a true fighter isn't their face or their scars, it's their spirit. The one thing you can't imitate. The one thing you can't fake. As strange as it is, just being in the game for this long is an accomplishment on its own, I have to acknowledge. If you had told me 9 years ago I've been through all the challenges I have, and come out in one piece on the other end? I'd have called bullshit. I'd have said that's just not something I was capable of... but here I am anyways.
Happiness is the greatest con of all time. Cake is delicious, but eating it doesn't truly fulfill happiness. It's that one moment where you chew what's in your mouth and enjoy it for what it is, but not have to say you'll enjoy it because it's cake and you went out of your way to reach the objective of eating it.
Likewise, if you have fun making music, listening to music, engaging with people on and off the subjects of your hobby(s), you are more fulfilled than most people in life, even if you don't see it like that. Chasing success or money isn't bad. It's a remotely tangible promise that things get better and good times are ahead... but they aren't a necessity. They're cake. You want that cake so bad, but maybe the cake's not truly as fun as it first seems, dare I say.
There are lots of people who don't know that there are hobbies they can have, crafts they can pour themselves into like molds of a person's soul, or that there are other things to fulfill one in life other than the capitalistic American dream. I pity the man who goes through life trying to achieve that moment of happiness in someone else's game plan, when he could have been taking holidays off to polish some replica ducks in his garage, if he did so choose.
If he loves collecting ducks, who's to say that that momentary happiness isn't as good as any other achieved kind of happiness? As long as you stopped and did something you enjoyed along the way, I'd say the trip of life was well worth it.
If it's a matter of security, the SS thing sounds like it's suiting. If you've tried to play the game to your ability, but you can't get places everyone else seems to go, don't sweat it. I've put myself through several laps of trying to do college classes, but the classes themselves are enough to break me clean in two on occasion. Maybe you just have limits. I know I do. Doing what is objectively best for yourself and matching to the situation at hand is never shameful. There's never shame in the truth.
Maybe even your Mom could feel more at ease not having to worried what would happen if she wasn't there to support you one day. I know I get thoughts like that in my life's setup, and it's an uneasy thought indeed I admit. I don't want to pry into that too much if it's a touchy subject or I'm overstepping my bounds, but that's my 2 cents on that bulletin point.
On the topic of feelings, I hate to be a pessimist by saying hesitancy is natural and maybe it's not good to chase it. Not to say one way or the other about "worthiness", but to give a piece of yourself away, to try and complete and be completed by someone else? That's something you can only truly be comfortable with when you've outgrown your wounds in life to be comfortable doing. Trying to input yourself into an equation when even you, your biggest backer ideally, doesn't support your odds of success may not end well, realistically.
Hell, a while back I WAS confident in myself and tried to hand my heart to one of the nicest people I knew in about the most balanced and kind way I could, and STILL had it stomped on violently by that person. Dare I say, I feel I would've been happier off doubting myself reasonably, than believing in myself baselessly.
Read the signals as best you can (I'm autistic, and I sniffed it out alright) with the person of interest. If you feel like they closely value time spent with you like you do with them, and they have gone above and beyond to be there for you, even when you weren't, I would say there's something there. If you keep some form of regular contact and have had fun with the person in the past few months, they would feel what they feel about you actively, whatever it may be.
Past that, if you really have the feelings? Fuck it. Go for it. Just put it out there reasonably and with a good perspective, not afraid to hang onto "only" being friends if it falls short. My problem was I took so long to sniff out my good lead that it was dead when I finally decided to show up. The person was too nice to tell me no, and I believed that legitimately meant "maybe", meaning I had a chance. I hung on so hard to the idea of being with someone it broke everything I was and believed in, broke my foundation of wanting something good for myself, and damn near left me for my dead in its wake.
If you tried, there's no regrets. Nothing to truly blame yourself long term. After all, wanting something better is the most fundamental aspect of every relationship. If it goes bad or it doesn't work out, just don't be afraid to walk away while you're still somewhat ahead.
The strongest blades are forged in the hardest fires, as I say. You can't be strong without challenges, and you can't achieve a good quality of self without discipline. I know what I'm hearing in this video, and it's the aspect of being your own critic put through the megaphone of anxiety and depression. I've been there, and I've known others who have been there. I have one last thing to say...
"I am amazing."
Did it work? I hope so. You took time to put your mind and soul out there for all to see today. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do or finish, because taking that step is already a leap of trust and honesty many people in this world aren't capable of. And THAT is amazing, coming from you.
Thanks man. That was a lot to process, but the fact you took the time to type all that means a lot. That helps. I'm writing a couple songs about the subject in two different ways, two different ways to look at it. I think what it mostly is, is I care a lot about who I am and what I do, I can't do things carelessly like a lot of people do. I like to know what I get myself into and what could possibly happen, but then I realize life is about taking risks.
I went to lunch at a Chinese restaurant with my parents today and got a fortune cookie that said, "Absence sharpens love, but presence strengthens it". It really spoke to me. Some people could see it as love is stronger with people who support you surrounding you, thats one way, but the way I saw it was learning to see my identity, my presence, which would strengthen my love for myself.
So it spoke to me in a different way. Thanks for everything, wise words you said here. I feel I'm getting to a better place, starting to at least. I've just wondered why I have these expectations, and I think its because i feel guilty for my parents having to support me with their old age and I don't want them to anymore, they've told me they can't much longer, and I've tried to find a job. Mom says disability would keep me poor but i disagree with that. I know plenty of people who do well with it.
As long as I can keep making music, and make a steady income, and have money to actually get to see my friends more, and keep doing what I do for Newgrounds, I think I'll be happy. I want to feel more relaxed so I'm trying to get in that mindset, instead of pushing myself, I feel like I haven't had a break. I've been constantly pushing myself, I gotta stop and slow down, and enjoy what I have. I gotta find that inner peace, inner happiness. I gotta look at myself in the perspective everyone else has. I think I'm starting to :) thanks.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It's good that you've come here to air your thoughts and make others aware of how you are feeling, and it's great that you're talking about them with close friends, because otherwise the problems eat away at you, and you'll feel even worse.
I don't think it's a bad thing for wanting financial security and wanting to be successful. Money is important and it gives you choices. I feel that everyone wants this, and I think it's right to want this. I feel right now you just need a job, any job. Then from there, work towards getting a job that you enjoy. Volunteering is also a great way to get yourself some confidence and some work experience. Do that, and at least you're getting yourself out of your home and distracting yourself.
The priority right now is to find yourself some financial stability, so getting a job should (for now) come before your hobbies. Once you have some money coming in you can start saving some of it, and invest in your music with better samples and hardware. Don't worry about reaching 100 people with a piece of music, and FUCK YouTube! There are so many people doing stuff there that it's just going to get lost. Focus on building up an audience on Facebook and invite people to your page. encourage people to share your music around and tell them how much it would mean to you if they could leave a comment. Reach out to people, ask them if they would share your work, build up a personal connection with some people! You can come to me, I will share your things!
I also think it's very important that you make time for your friends, make sure you hang out and take time away from problems whenever you can. Don't be afraid to reach out to people and talk to them. I think your true friends will always be there for you no matter what, you're not going to be on your own with this.
Set yourself some goals, such as sending out your resume to five different employers every day via e-mail or post. Go for that coffee with that friend you haven't spoken to in a while, start work on that song you've been putting off. Set some goals, some targets for yourself to hit. Keep them realistic, and don't be too disappointed if you don't hit them the first time, just keep trying!
I think in a year, you can achieve a lot if you have the positive mental attitude. You can be employed, you can love yourself and you can make a plan to secure your future. But you're already doing great just by identifying your problems and talking to people about them. Take care, and thank you for reaching out here on Newgrounds to tell us how you're feeling :)
Exactly, has been eating away at me, can't do it anymore. Yeah i need a job but....im too emotionally wrapped in it like i feel almost entirely worthless if i don't have one. That's not right. I'm starting to think it's my parents. I've tried facebook thats kinda bs too so i gave up there. Thanks man.
I make time just a lot of people are busy and most of the time i dont have the money to hang out with people, so thats why im alone a lot. I've been doing that, resumes, applications, everything. Eventually i just gave up because of being discriminated. I've been jobless since February, i'm probably going on disability. This whole struggle has been going on for many many years off and on, always hard for me to find a job, and hard for me to perform with them.
People in this city won't hire me because they discriminate me for my mental disorders, thats just how it realistically is. It's making me have no choice but to go on disability, and if thats the case, so be it. Thanks. I just want to figure out why i feel like this, starting to think its the pressure from my parents.
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