Original. Creative. The text and the length are just things I need to criticize.
First of all. You did a great job making that tune. I don't see very often tunes with actualy voices in it nor text.
But as I am also not just an audiophile, but an author, I'll take your text apart, look at every very little tiny detail so hold your seatbelts. Could be a long journy, I dunno I just write now.
"I'm tired of the arguments
Tired of the fights
tired of the shit I never got right"
This is a well start. Cos you make ppl suspicious "You're tired of what arguments? What fights?" but you also can lead some ppl in the wrong way with the "tired of the shit I never got right" you know, ppl could think "Ah, that fella means procrastination" but you're rappin' about something else. Could be a bit misleading, also the way you made the rhymes is ok. It could be better cos it doesnt sound like
"He take better care of her
He does it all
but I ain't waitin for her phone calls"
Now we're talking. The pals out there may know what you are rapping about. Still the rhymes are just like in the first one but the content is good. Still I don't have a clue how you come from HIM to HER in just one phrase. It's a bit confusing.
"I'm so done with shit
I've heard it all
Bitches in my past had me climbing walls"
Still this god damn rhyme scheme. It's so confusing mate. Well, just fyi, if you keep the listener way too long in the unknown dark, they may not now what you try to say to them. Music like this is for carrying a message. You want that message to been read and understood. Right? So don't mislead ppl and just come to the point after 3-4 big phrases. The very best thing you can do is pull out the lyrics from a good rapper (NOT KHALIFA) and analyse it. Look at yours and them and look what you can make better.
"And half of them
I'll half miss
But I'll remember every last kiss"
Sounds good. I still don't like the rhyme schema.
"I'm not looking back
I'm thinkin on it
If I don't move forward
Back in the corner"
Now you have a good schema. Start with easy ones. So at this part most ppl actually also got what you mean. This thing way further up in the beginning and the message would be clearer as water.
"Can I give love
or will I give loss
If I love again
What is the cost"
I can actually not criticize that one cos that one is perfect. Let's move to the next.
"If I punched the window
Straight to your heart
And it cut my thumb
And it left a scar"
Well that one is totally way away from any box I saw.
"If I punched the window..."
"...and it left a scar..."
Maybe artistic but so confusing I couldn't find any words to it.
You use "IF" in a phrase and put the past in a sentence at the end. That's just wrong.
Don't do that. That is not how english teacher teach english. Or at least how the english language works. Better would be there "...and it leave a scar..." because IF something HAPPENS, then you talk in the PRESENT. Not in the past. Just remember that. Songwriting may not be easy but no one said that it is :)
"would you remember
the stitches I got
fought for your sake
when the world forgot"
It is a nice question but not the melody in that sentence is somehow destroyed in the way where you put "Would you remember" at the beginning. It may sound better as last sentence in that phrase but I didn't tested it yet. Just sounds unmelodic to me. Otherwise that phrase is good.
and sometimes those opposites
just don't react"
In your song you lead the listener to think out of the box. Perfect. That phrase....dude.
Good but when A is the same word it's not. Making rhymes sometimes is hard, aye. But you should know that a RHYME and THE SAME WORD are two different things. Opposites rhymes on opposites. That's a joke under authors because, well it shows the ppl you didn't took much afford in the text which is kinda sad and I think also not true.
"never did nothing
but hold you close
and wish my thoughts
had an impact"
Well maybe it's because you never did nothing that you are at the point where you stand right now...Oh and the phrase? It's okay, I don'T see any rhymes but otherwise it's okay.
"That's just one of my little hurts
the rest loud sounds harsh words
before I used to spit verse
before the first time I hit first"
And now we got an almost perfect again. Just could use some more melody but that melody I'm talking comes with experience so work on!
"now my life's an inverse
no sticks, stones, or words hurt
Cause I feel nothing, unrehearsed
Almost wish I could reverse
It just feels like the things you want to say us are not all in that lyrics. The end just is like not the end but a pause. Where you could put a guitar solo or whatever in it. 'Ye know also your lyrics don't have a refrain which is not needed in every song just made me think if you just sat down and wrote what you thougt.
Cos if, write more. Write until you think it's finally done. Actually it feels like you're not. I don't actually know but the text could use more content.
Also, somehow the overall voice track sound whater not YOUR Voice but the overall sound of it is a bit...you know, it's not pleasin' to me.
After all I must say you did a great job, it's a creative and original track but it could use some reworks so carry on! Keep the work goin'! I love creative and original tunes :)
Great job. Keep goin'. You're good.