i love the attitude, usually im not a fan of trap tunes, you really captured the mood right in this piece.
i dig the style you flowed, an interesting beat that meshed well with your stance on reality. vocals were mixed good, especially considering the fact you used a laptop mic, haha.
listening to this i can tell you put heart into this, your word choices were on point, maybe it was unintentional but it seems that every rhyme you chose had to do with "intimate relationships".
personally i liked it, and i can see how this track could inspire others on a similar wave, the delivery you took expressed the reactions of intimacy well, however one thing i feel like you could pay more attention to is the mixing of your beat. it doesnt sound too high quality, though overall it does express your stance even further. keep it loose right?
great work babe, looking forward to hearing more of your poetry.
(this is Qwaint)
I will say I probably should have paid more attention to this beat. It was more something I did just to get out all the frustration, though. I really do hate V-day, haha. Glad you liked!
Okay I think this is pretty much awesome. Almost took the words right out of my mouth when it comes to being unappreciated by those you love, but anyway I suck at critical reviews so I'll just leave it at that. Great anti-Vday track; you keeelt it!
Thanks Teq. You are the king of this type verse though, no disrespect since that can sound like an anti-compliment. If you want this beat lmk :)
The beat is cool and stuff and the mixing is pretty good. The one problem I do have though is that the song appears pretty boring without any dynamics or anything at all. If you listen to famous hip hop songs now a days, the artist always add in that one interesting part that everyone remembers it by whether it be a part where they sing some of the lines instead of rapping, parts where they change the pitch the voice or something like that. This is important especially in rap tracks, because fundamentally they are pretty samey. To make the track interesting you need to add some parts that the track can be remembered by.
Other than that I think it was pretty good. The length was a bit lacking, but it worked. As I said earlier, the mixing is good and the beat is pretty original actually.. great work :).
Thanks, your critiques are specific without being too nitpicky. Appreciate it!
Original. Creative. The text and the length are just things I need to criticize.
First of all. You did a great job making that tune. I don't see very often tunes with actualy voices in it nor text.
But as I am also not just an audiophile, but an author, I'll take your text apart, look at every very little tiny detail so hold your seatbelts. Could be a long journy, I dunno I just write now.
"I'm tired of the arguments
Tired of the fights
tired of the shit I never got right"
This is a well start. Cos you make ppl suspicious "You're tired of what arguments? What fights?" but you also can lead some ppl in the wrong way with the "tired of the shit I never got right" you know, ppl could think "Ah, that fella means procrastination" but you're rappin' about something else. Could be a bit misleading, also the way you made the rhymes is ok. It could be better cos it doesnt sound like
"He take better care of her
He does it all
but I ain't waitin for her phone calls"
Now we're talking. The pals out there may know what you are rapping about. Still the rhymes are just like in the first one but the content is good. Still I don't have a clue how you come from HIM to HER in just one phrase. It's a bit confusing.
"I'm so done with shit
I've heard it all
Bitches in my past had me climbing walls"
Still this god damn rhyme scheme. It's so confusing mate. Well, just fyi, if you keep the listener way too long in the unknown dark, they may not now what you try to say to them. Music like this is for carrying a message. You want that message to been read and understood. Right? So don't mislead ppl and just come to the point after 3-4 big phrases. The very best thing you can do is pull out the lyrics from a good rapper (NOT KHALIFA) and analyse it. Look at yours and them and look what you can make better.
"And half of them
I'll half miss
But I'll remember every last kiss"
Sounds good. I still don't like the rhyme schema.
"I'm not looking back
I'm thinkin on it
If I don't move forward
Back in the corner"
Now you have a good schema. Start with easy ones. So at this part most ppl actually also got what you mean. This thing way further up in the beginning and the message would be clearer as water.
"Can I give love
or will I give loss
If I love again
What is the cost"
I can actually not criticize that one cos that one is perfect. Let's move to the next.
"If I punched the window
Straight to your heart
And it cut my thumb
And it left a scar"
Well that one is totally way away from any box I saw.
"If I punched the window..."
"...and it left a scar..."
Maybe artistic but so confusing I couldn't find any words to it.
You use "IF" in a phrase and put the past in a sentence at the end. That's just wrong.
Don't do that. That is not how english teacher teach english. Or at least how the english language works. Better would be there "...and it leave a scar..." because IF something HAPPENS, then you talk in the PRESENT. Not in the past. Just remember that. Songwriting may not be easy but no one said that it is :)
"would you remember
the stitches I got
fought for your sake
when the world forgot"
It is a nice question but not the melody in that sentence is somehow destroyed in the way where you put "Would you remember" at the beginning. It may sound better as last sentence in that phrase but I didn't tested it yet. Just sounds unmelodic to me. Otherwise that phrase is good.
and sometimes those opposites
just don't react"
In your song you lead the listener to think out of the box. Perfect. That phrase....dude.
Good but when A is the same word it's not. Making rhymes sometimes is hard, aye. But you should know that a RHYME and THE SAME WORD are two different things. Opposites rhymes on opposites. That's a joke under authors because, well it shows the ppl you didn't took much afford in the text which is kinda sad and I think also not true.
"never did nothing
but hold you close
and wish my thoughts
had an impact"
Well maybe it's because you never did nothing that you are at the point where you stand right now...Oh and the phrase? It's okay, I don'T see any rhymes but otherwise it's okay.
"That's just one of my little hurts
the rest loud sounds harsh words
before I used to spit verse
before the first time I hit first"
And now we got an almost perfect again. Just could use some more melody but that melody I'm talking comes with experience so work on!
"now my life's an inverse
no sticks, stones, or words hurt
Cause I feel nothing, unrehearsed
Almost wish I could reverse
It just feels like the things you want to say us are not all in that lyrics. The end just is like not the end but a pause. Where you could put a guitar solo or whatever in it. 'Ye know also your lyrics don't have a refrain which is not needed in every song just made me think if you just sat down and wrote what you thougt.
Cos if, write more. Write until you think it's finally done. Actually it feels like you're not. I don't actually know but the text could use more content.
Also, somehow the overall voice track sound whater not YOUR Voice but the overall sound of it is a bit...you know, it's not pleasin' to me.
After all I must say you did a great job, it's a creative and original track but it could use some reworks so carry on! Keep the work goin'! I love creative and original tunes :)
Great job. Keep goin'. You're good.
Thanks for the in depth review for something I half-assed with a shitty mic and a lot of angry feelings. I chose the odd rhyme scheme I did mostly because AABB and ABAB get really old after hearing it all day long, and I wanted something closer to how I would actually speak to someone in person. Maybe I went full on artsy, haha. Anyway, appreciate the review. Wish there were more like it on NG!
Nice track and phrases, love the bass line and short synth sound.
The only thing a bit off to me is how the voice sounds, (not your voice, it has a nice sound) the overall voice track sound. That could use a bit of extra "make-up" to blend into the music.
Glad you liked it! Could you shoot me a pm about the vocals? It took a lot just to get them to where they are, but a little advice on polishing them would be amazing
You are free to copy, distribute and transmit this work under the following conditions:
*You may not use this work without making specific arrangements with the artist UNLESS your work is a web-based game or animation, in which case you may use this freely.