There is to much going on, should have borken it down into more parts. I noticed its nearly 4mb, but you could have just had a part one and two.
Also use your drubs, like some kicks and claps and snares. I think I notice a kick, or is it a bass, can't tell really.
Try not to have to many things at once, just work what you think will work together with out making it sound so... distored.
For example, check out my stuff.
dude, as i said, this is just a clean version of an older song. it's not really supposed to be that great in the first place, but i do hear you on the usage of drums. This song was definitely lacking in that category.