Not a bad first effort, if I understood your comments correctly. Try toning down (as in through pitchbending, or distorting, maybe even driving) the build-up FX and the snare. You might like how it makes a big difference. Perhaps not. Regardless, thanks for sharing.
Yeah i was thinking of doing that, i haven't really worked a whole lot on the buildup as i was sort of getting song structure down. But i defiantly understand what you are saying.
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.