The production isn't the worst I have heard in a metal song, but it isn't great either. The voices I think added to what you were wanting to for the song, and it sounds killer! However I think the gain should be turned down on the guitars. You can still get a fat, low end sound for the guitars, but with less gain. Too much gain can make a metal song not as enjoyable to listen to. Also, it would do well for the song if the drums were a bit more prominent in the mix. Especially considering the direction this piece wants to go in with the breakdowns and what have you.
That brings me to the songwriting. The guitar riffs makes the song structure feel a bit repetitive and drawn out. Most notably in regards to the breakdowns. Brutal death metal can have a bit of variety. Prostitute Disfigurement and Cerebral Bore are two brutal death metal bands that come to my mind that I believe are good at achieving some variety in the songwriting, just to name some examples. I'm not trying to step on any toes by making comparisons. Just to merely state that it is possible to add variety while still having the desired elements of a brutal death metal track. Even building upon and implementing what riffs are already written for the piece can be a breath of fresh air for the listener. I think I found that small breath of fresh air on the riff that starts at 3:12 for this track.
One other thing I would like to point out is that the guitars seem to go out of sync at 2:31. I found it a bit distracting, but now I believe I am nit-picking. I would like to end there by saying if what was going on during that breakdown was not intentional, then I would recommend recording to a click-track of some kind to help keep in time to what you are recording.
To conclude, I think the most important thing you could do to improve on what you have presented here is to turn down the gain on the guitars. I know it's temping to do to get the heaviest sound possible, but it hardly ever compliments the mix as a whole. You want the song ITSELF to be heavy, and striving to achieve that requires solid songwriting and a good mix. To get a better idea of what I'm trying to convey, listen to isolated guitar tracks from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" on Youtube. I'm not trying to compare the production of an 80's thrash metal band to any sort of brutal death metal band, but it is one thing that personally helped me grasp that heaviness is not achieved by turning the gain knob all the way to the right.
I'm looking forward to hearing more! Keep it heavy and keep it brutal!
thank you so much for the review and im taking all your comments in to account the next songs i do shall have ALOT more different riffs with better drums to complement the break downs, One thing about this song is that is was never meant to be a song it was meant to be a recording test to test out my new EMG pickup which just ended up becoming a song lol but i have noted down all your comments and will be putting them in to my new song, thanks so much for your feedback it means alot to me, i hope that i can hit at least a 4 or 5 star next time :)
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.