I'd say the biggest thing missing is a leading part. I really like what you have going so far though. I am no Hip Hop expert though so I can not really go beyond my knowing the lack thereof a lead part.
As I write this I also retroactively noticed there is no real ending to this song. But since this is your first submission I would not expect perfection haha.
At any rate, still a solid work. Keep it up.
I really thank you, that you had any time to review my song. Thanks.. ^^
I produce music like 1 year and i need to learn a lot... ^^