very sweet young voices and well shaped dynamics, likin' it!
"Lilin's First Blood" by AderuMoro
Acting - 43/50
Fit - 21/25
Mixing - 19/20
Originality - 15/15
Comments: I really liked starlight's voice and her acting. Glenora was a bit annoying and I think could have been toned down just a bit. You had some slight pops into the mic, especially with Glenora's voice. Other than that, the mixing was excellent. The weakest voice was noggy (sp?) simply because I couldn't really believe I was listening to an older woman. It sounded like a younger woman doing an older voice, which is exactly what it was, but I shouldn't be able to tell that. Also, the writing was good and it was very original. You had me say "shit just got weird about 5 times" and probably gave me a complex for when my daughter gets to "that age", but it was all cohesive with good transitions. Overall, I was pretty impressed with the quality of this. Some minor things you could improve an and I don't see why you wouldn't be one of the strongest competitors in the next contest. Get a pop filter or a better one if you have one already and work on softening your P's. Your nice seems to be in younger girls to young women so try and find other ways to show off your range other than age. And lastly, Glenora could be dialed back a bit. Great job and I can't wait to see you next contest as well!
I chuckled a couple times hahahaha. That’s quite a creative story to make of this theme. The mixing was perfect with the music choice being questionable at some moments but still able to work. I thought the eldest fairy could have used more character to her voice, some real heavy rasp or maybe even some vibrato. A weird vibrato could have really differentiated her from your other characters as the rest of the fairies had crystal clear tones. I do think the general gist of this story could have been boiled down to less time; some lines droned on for me. But overall, this was a really fun plot and some great acting, perhaps you could be even more extreme with the acting next time. Nice job!
Your young Lilin was gold! The voice and acting were spot on, and could easily have been lifted from a number of currently airing kids' shows. The little fairy toward the end was cute as could be, also, and obviously was a comfortable voice to perform. Glenora's overall sound was ok, but in execution did not work very well. The crisp articualtion and flexible tonailty of her voice caused you to struggle and stumble through lines. The hard "t" sounds especially seemed to hang you up, and you occasionally got caught in a repetitive speech pattern with her that caused all of a line's words to have the same inflection. The elder fairy was well acted, though I'll have some notes on her in the "fit" section. The breathy quality given to Succubus Lilin affected your copyreading for the worse. While you did try to showcase a wide range, several characters did not work in execution. The biggest fit issue was the elder fairy. Her voice sounded more like a teenage boy than an older woman, despite the inconsistent tremble put into her sound. The succubus Lilin was so close to being a fit for you, but you need to add more breath support so that the voice doesn't sound forced and you have enough air to get your line reading where you want it. It may have helped to try to take her a smidge higher, rather than forcing your voice to unnatural lows. The mixing was very well done! This world and concept were quite unique, and I was left wanting to know what would happen next! Great job! The characters were well written, the scenes flowed nicely, and overall it created a world I was interested in learning more about.
Wow, the work you put into this is awe-inspiring. You went above and beyond just submitting a scene for the contest.
The only drawback is that the mixing isn't supporting your storytelling very effectively, which is really only a problem because your story is so good. Things like Lilin walking away from Glenora, or establishing the three locations, are almost impossible to convey effectively without visuals or a narrator.
This is a compelling world though, and I'd love to see this done again as a cartoon if you can find an animator who's interested.
Thank you for your feedback! I'll keep scene changes in mind next time I'm writing or mixing. And I'd love to find an animator for even just this short skit, but I don't know where to look XD
Hahaha. This was great! I wasn't sure what kind of story to expect. I really enjoyed this. Great job! You did so many voices! I was impressed. I liked your little fairy banter in the background when they returned home and during the ritual, so adorable. Sexy succubus voice too, you rocked that one. I give you five stars. :D
Aw thanks so much for taking the time to listen and review :D Glad you enjoyed!
Erm...Don't you work for 4kids? lol
Um... no? XD
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.