The structure and melody fit the intention, but the sound design is an awful mismatch. I would expect a piece with this intention to have a more dark and foreboding sound design; to use sounds more subdued and creepy. As it stands the sounds in this piece strike me as what I might find in an electronic dance music piece instead of something meant to be chilling and dark.
Your sequencers are good. Now go back to your knobs and find some better sounds. I can't decide if I'm supposed to be chilled or if you want me to dance.