The idea is good, but there are some things about it..
(yeah here begins the criticism, ehem constructive criticism!)
This isn't jazz, actually ur using pentatonic minor scale tipical on blues
There are always good ways of using this scale, but u have to innovate with it because everyone uses these (every guitarist on earth lol)
This tune lacks a center. You should really start building a short melody (shorter), catchy, maybe not with a big movement on it (short intervals and lots of repetitions), just to get the feeling!!
Take this as a tip! If u're not familiar with some terms u always can rely on google. Good luck bro :)
Thanks for the good review! I'll see what I can do.