The basic function of Screamo Metal is catharsis through expression of intense emotion by intense lyrics (And Screaming), and heavy, complex instrumentals.
It can pump you up, it can relax you, it can do both at the same time.
This did neither for me. It has potential, but it's not working for me as of yet.
To start, the vocals are too quiet compared to the rest of the song. They sound somewhat low fidelity, and somewhat drowned out by the guitar. They need to be blaring loudly, crisp and clean, in the listeners face to be effective.
On the subject of vocals, I can't understand 90% of the song. You made some pretty bad ass lyrics, but their all pointless if I cant hear any of them. An incomprehensible song is one without impact.
On the instrumentals, I have to be honest, I was bored until about 2:56. That's a pretty sick solo (I wish it were longer), but the rest of the song is rather plain. This would be fine if the vocals made up for the lack of complexity, but they don't, as I've stated. The guitar is generally low impact throughout except for the solo, though i will say I liked what you did with the cymbals.
Lastly, The song in general was just HEAVY all the way through. It might be a slight change of style, but generally, if you integrate a more relaxed sequence into your song, either before or after a very intense sequence, the contrast of the two will make latter sequence that much more epic. Just food for thought there.
Anyway, I'll be following you. I hope to hear more :D