I say if you ever want to get past just people on NG liking your stuff, you gotta get out of your head when you write. I can tell that you are still trying to think of the most mutilsyllabic version of every line you write down, and you're trying to fit every syllable perfectly on the 16th note it belongs on. But when you're writing about love, I believe that less is more. Take time to pause between thoughts and don't focus so much on being "witty."
It's the difference between a battle rap and a song. I view this as a battle rap about love, someone trying to intellectually explain every detail of it instead of trusting the audience to fill in the holes. Trusting fans to like it if it isn't so chock full of chiasmus. Asking questions that can't necessarily be answered.