Your Own Grace + Kicked

a 4-part folksy bluesy folksy grunge song about suicide: 1) the grunge surf rock intro you are now hearing, 2) the main bit, with the twangy acoustic guitars and all-out ugly poppy drawled vocals, 3) then onto "Kicked" - a folk-trance mood piece with only 5 lines of vocals, and 4) the funky grungy lazy instrumental outro, a variation on the musical theme of Kicked, played very very badly.
is it grunge, overall? i think so. the spirit is, even if the playing style varies. that's also my intention with the sound quality, production-wise. grunge. critique as necessary.
the whole new album deals with this evolution from grunge to folk to metal to pop and back again and in between... as well as all these themes, of it never, ever being enough... this song's meaning is hard to really describe. is it a joke? not completely. but is it totally serious? not at all. so the meaning of it seems clear as day and yet is disturbing to me because it is what it is, patently. suicide. it's serious shit. but not here. why are these two songs combined? because i play them that way... always YOG+K.
these are two of my oldest songs, also, and many of them in that same period dealt with the issue of suicide. that's how i dealt with it. this song... songs and music and writing in general. i've killed myself a hundred times in my writing - thrice in this song alone :)
i first recorded Kicked (the 1st part anyway) in my mom's garage in 1999, and wrote Your Own Grace a few months later (never having recorded it). it's always been on the backburner. the surf grunge intro came out of nowhere at that same time, specifically to open this song. i've never even used it for anything else up until now, as many songs of mine are in this key...

"Your Own Grace"

i walk on the beach with the sand beneath my feet
and the sun slips below a blurred horizon
her shrill voice brings me back and she urges me to come
so i submerge and take the water into my lungs

it's not enough to know you're there
i want to see it, when you're helpless and aware

i write at my desk in the basement with the rats
and she comes to bring my dinner wearing nothing
take control, adjust the rope / this time she;ll know it's not a joke
and i kicked that old chair over and my neck broke

i want to be there when you fall from your own grace
if i could see it when you break down with no faith
cuz it'snot enough to know you're there
i want to see it when there is no body there

she brushes off her lip gloss, and re-adjusts her hair
then turns to me and asks "how do i look?"
nevermind the wrongs you done me / nevermind this aching heart
that's why i feel safe with a loaded gun behind my pillow

i want to be there when you fall from your own grace
if i could see it when you break down with no faith
cuz baby it's not enough / to know that you're still there
i want to see it when there's no one there to catch you when you fall
but i can't

"Kicked"

i cannot relate to you what i saw that night
it was such a nightmare / i was lucky to have made it out alive
i'd never wish an enemy to see an awful sight
as waking up from a dream and finding out that it's your life
you're kicked

[+RA]