A very sad piece indeed, full of gasping pain. The melodies and harmonies are all nice, and the structure, whilst simple, works. The thing is with a piece as "simple" as this you need to make sure all the instruments sound perfect, that they have just the ride speed of attack, that they all mingle in the mix perfectly, that their timbres don't clash and that everythings equalized to perfection. I feel you are a little off in those departments, some of the sounds are a bit synthy and come in too sharply. You have a good premise here but it needs to be PERFECT for it to work and not come off as a little cliche. Good luck.
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.