Your concept is absolutely awesome! The application of the idea is what I really think needs work here.
I am not a "professional" producer, but I am still working on it, and I have a few tips for you.
1. I think you should mix in mono, but in general, you should finalize or master in stereo. Left and Right channels with SEPARATE performances. If you want to know what I mean by that, PM me.
The low end seems kind of non-existent in this recording, and I know that is kind of common in "some types of metal", because everyone loves a really heavy metal guitar sound. We can thank James Hetfield for that lol.
2. Learn to use your EQ. PLEASE google it.
I recommend Graham at therecordingrevolution.com for advice, also Rick Beato on youtube is just a fountain of knowledge.
I see potential in your work. I really do. I wouldn't waste my time writing all of this crap if I didn't lol.
but anyway..... bye.