Let me say, a bit difficult for writing a Passacaglia.
Let me go ahead an say, Passacaglias tend to do better under 18th century counterpoint. Another thing that I've noticed is that the rhythm of the bass happened to kind of lead you into a bad setup. That bad setup led to more bad mistakes that could have been avoided by using counterpoint. You also did not have to do the bass alone initially (that's actually rare).
Good ambition and a good build, but simply the nonharmonic clashing kind of led this to something lacking.
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.