You have some good ideas
You have some good ideas going here, but I have a few gripes. First, the sound on this is pretty flat, I feel virtually no bass, which you have to have in this kind of genre. Secondly, I feel the song never actually takes off. After the part with that's split up by rests I think you could go into to some sort of melody backed up by a moving bass/rythym along with some strings/pads. try to add something that will give the song some energy and come alive.
Thanks for the feedback. I agree, it never really builds up to anything, and I'll take your ideas into consideration if I decide to revise it.