the spider in my room
this guy has been pushing my limits every night for a few days now..
coming out around midnight and just crawling on my walls for a few hours, teasing me and shit, talking mad shit about me to its friends, biggg ass spider so at first i was pretty terrified of it
first few days i was formulating my attack plan, studying its features and patterns, and it seems it just crawls, likes to stay close to the ceiling wondering on the walls, can walk upside down on the ceiling but never distances itself from the walls, will occasionally get close to the ground to check out the scenery but not touching the ground ever.. likes to chill in corners, but generally does not stop moving, and just continuously circles my room in a counter clockwise direction.
day three (yesterday) i launched a pre-emptive strike to show it whos boss, i had soaked wads of toilet paper to launch at it. when the clock struck 2am and it was in prime location, mid room height, on my room, i assaulted it with a barrage of my super quilted cannon balls, every single one of them quickly evaded by the foe. it scurried back up the ceiling and waved a fist at me. i still followed it with my eyes around the room, and fired warning shots in its area when it got to close to my territory. it would freeze in its tracks and turn around. by 4am it disappeared behind the dresser for the night once again.
tonight, day 4, the clock strikes midnight and it arrives right on time, two feet from me on the wall perpindicular to my desk, just sitting not moving. it proceeds to the corner where my two walls meet and crawls downward towards my desk. it knew with the clutter on my desk and the lack of lighting in certain parts of my room i would never be able to tell if it had crawled between the desk and the wall and gone behind/under the desk, or if it was somewhere on my desk ready to strike my typing fingertips. this was a really clever scare tactic but i knew better than to try and guess. i equipped each of my hands with thick cotton socks for temporary protection while i moved my desk inches from the wall to create a crevice enough for me to peek behind the desk, while still able to notice any movement ontop of the desk, and i found the son of a bitch crawling under my power cables. when we met eye to eye and it knew it had been found, it jetted back up the wall, and to the right.. which was no good for me. it was heading for my bed. and i had no soaked toilet paper balls to try and stop it.
it found its way directly above my pillow on my wall, above my bed. i had earlier equipped myself with a can of hairspray to spray to poison it and freeze up its legs with, and it must have known this.
there could be no other reason it was above my pillow, completely still.
it knew i wouldnt spray there because then the next morning i would wake up with way cool hair and it would be way too early for way sexy hair and i was not willing to take that risk. i had to resort to plan B. A good solid smashing.
In my supply barracks i had kept my secret weapon. this room was about to turn into a slaughter house.
i had gripped my secret weapon, a 800 page hard covered calculus book,
, in my one hand, leveraging it with a tilt, and i slammed it right onto the spider, there was then no space between the wall and the book, and i proceeded to rub it wildly against the wall, smearing the guts of the creature.
"lets see you try to calculate the original derivation of this integral you unoptimized son of a bitch" i said
and here i am. its over, its all done. if that spiders family could cry i would collect the tears in a cup and drink it in front of their very own eyes.