I think you have some creative ideas going on here, with all the pitch bending and whatnot, but sometimes I had trouble figuring out what time signature this was, because some parts didn't seem to fit. It almost sounds like four songs jammed into one compact space, especially with the abrupt transitions. I suggest you actually split this into two or three songs, because everything about the separate parts has potential, but not together. I personally think the melody you started with was the best, because it had some emotional punch. I think if you get it a little more together, this'll be a head bobber for sure. Keep at it.
Thanks for review
i know i try make dance but i get hybrid with 4 or 3 song in one melody
Thanks for hint
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.