Here's some things from my experience.
Today's marching bands rarely start a show with woodwinds. I personally never would. It's not I don't like woodwinds, it's just Percussion usually starts the beat off better. Especially delicate melody lines on vibes with mith 4 mallet chords on marimbas. The pauses just make me think you were going crazy and they were just awkward. String it together better and you'll get better sound out of everything. I actually liked the gong in there. It works very effectively. The keyboard parts could be a little bit more gentle, yet louder. The cymbal roll at about 1:37 doesn't sound good hit-rolled. I'd subdivide it even closer than it already is. And the stuff you describe in the author comments wouldn't really work for a conventional marching band. Now, drum corps could get away with brass players pulling carts, but not at the high school level. And this music is DEFINITELY high school level if not junior high (at least by the talent my school has to offer). Again, this is all based on my knowledge and experience in the field (er... ON the field). Possibly the best thing is I can actually here the difference in the snare and the tenor. It's amazing how much difference there is just by loosening the snares. I keep hearing that cymbal hit-roll and shuddering. Now, I realize this is a lot to read. But... There's much room for improvement here. No matter how they were intended the pauses just don't work that well. Keep trying with part 2.