Beside the bad recording/editing and pitching the voice there are samples from Hip-Hop E-Jay which are under a different license than what we have here on Newgrounds.
Also, all the track is lacking a theme or a thematic melody that "glue" together the elements.
As an advice I can say, try to get a better microphone and pop-filter, this way the quality of the voice will get better.
When you make an advertisement, try to give to the listener something to remember about it, try to personalize your add.
Also, stay away from copyrighted loops and samples or you might get into legal troubles.
Then why does it say royalty free loops on the box?
I guess I dont know whay royalty free means.
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.