Hmmm, keep working with melodies because you'll eventually get it right.
With this one, it was good but it needed more strength and plus it was kinda repetitve. Next time add more shown progress with the melody to keep the song moving. And the kick I don't think was right in the main bit. It seemed too soft. And also the bass was a little bit soft. Try experimenting with different basses, like saws and synth basses. With more work this could be a good piece. Keep it up.
Thanks for the very useful review !
I will make sure to take in all that advice for my next submission!