If I was rating this for an amateur, I would give it a definite 10, but you seem like the type to strive for perfection, so I'll be blunt. I'll be comparing to the original at all points, so if you were going in a different direction at any of these points, disregard them.
By the way, I don't make music. This is purely from a guy who likes to listen.
You brought the voice in too abruptly. I was listening to a great build up and then the voice seemed to just pop in without any indication that it would.
I'll be completely honest, I prefer the instrumental version of the original song anyway, so there might be a hint of bias there.
2:55 to 3:10 The whole thing sounded too muffled. It sounds energetic, but almost as if you were standing outside a nightclub when the best bit of a song is playing inside, if you know what I mean. This is something I've noticed throughout the whole song. This might yet again be a bias. The original song sounded so crystalline and clear. That was it's hook.
4:00 to 4:30 I was expecting something like this. Yet again I have to mention the muffled sound. I was surprised that although it sounded like a solid end, I just didn't feel that dizzying feel that I usually get around the end of a great vocal remix.
As I said above, I still really enjoyed the song, but as I rate Lira at the level of Hania when it comes to vocals, I just can't give it a higher score in comparison with Moonless Blue (One of the only two songs I bought from Synthetica).
Sorry Kazmo, I haven't heard your other stuff, so I can't rate accordingly for you.
Looks like I'll be spending the rest of the night perusing your stuff ^^
Sorry if this review wanders a bit, I'm good at listening, not explaining things ^^
6/10 evil critique