Good job for your first piece. I believe that Lacrioso or someone similar will probably address the technical issues, however I will address the sound.
First of all, make sure that you name the song correctly, it's one of those things that people like me get antsy about. This was much more suited to "Childhood" or something like that.
You created a enjoyable theme and carried it through nicely, however it does get just a touch repetitive sometimes. Try to minimise repetitiveness, since it tends to jar on the ear and get annoying.
Get a decent orchestration program and intstruments and expand this one. It would go well with some sweeping strings and brass. On that note, you could really bring a bit more of the dramatic, powerful feel to this song. Bring more depth and backing, some bass melodies to tie off the higher melodies would have been great.
Thank you very much for your review. Do you have any suggestions for an orchestration program? Right now i just basically recorded it manually (really annoying), and i edited it with "Adobe Soundbooth". Thank you again for your review and I hope to produce more music very soon!
I changed the name i hope you like it.