Hey, its not too bad if it's your first, but lemme offer some hopefully constructive tips:
1. The tune is very simple... doesn't change throughout the whole song, and you layer all the sounds that come in on it.
Try opening up a pad, or strings, or an arpeggio, going into piano roll (If fruity loops) and try making a nice chord progression.
I usually use chords with 3 notes at a time, sometimes 4.
Not all the notes have to change on each chord.
A good VST plugin I use can help, it's called Harmony Improvisator.
Now I make an arpeggio of the chords, and change the sound to a synth or something sharp / plucky. Usually this works fine as a tune.
Add some variation here and there, change some notes, whatever.
2. It seems you are basing this like every 16th something new comes in, on the same notes as the others, then they go out at the end.
Trance (And most other genres) go like this.
Intro (usually the song's beat with a bit of atmopsheric, maybe arpeggios)
Then you got a buildup... what I like (and use alot) is having the intro stop alltogether and having a pad with the chords you're using for your tune buildup with the cutoff frequency, start the arpeggio a little later with the tune, again buiding up frequency, and you can take it from there. =P
3. Variation. You need some. An extra kick here and there, a snare roll, basic little extras. Just as long as it sounds good.
Hey ben it's a me Max... and i have a review...
Well It need's abit of working on such as getting the parts in key... (the part at 00.21)
It could do with some automation clips witch i can teach you how to do.
So it's pretty good for a first...
Thanks dude! :)