Too short :P
I am usually generous when it comes to reviews and scores, but I am trying to become more "brutally honest". You want to know how to make it better, so I won't candy-coat my words. :P
I wouldn't go so far as to say this is bad, yet it isn't great either. With how short this is, it is difficult to get a good feel for. Here are my suggestions:
-Nothing really grabs my attention. The melodic line almost seems random due to the odd rhythmic feel. It almost seems to "lurch" forward, smooth for a second, and abrupt the next. This may be due to the triplet bass against the straight right hand, creating a polyrhythmic feel which will confuse most listeners. It is fine to do this within the context of a longer song. With one this short, however, it only lends to disorientation.
-I can tell you that you have chords when I follow the left hand, so I know that this isn't atonal. The melody contrasts too much with the harmony due to the odd rhythyms in my opinion. This makes both seem random. :( It almost feels as if the bass is in 6/8 and the right hand is in 4/4. O_o...
-The piano sounds a little muffled to me, as if there is too much reverb. Tone it down some, and then add pedal to it. I believe that this will make it feel smoother.
-Dynamics are the key to conveying emotion. If you really want this to be dramatic, create some contrasts with louds and softs, crescendos and decrescendos! This is difficult to do in such a short time, though.
-It's too short, plain and simple. Expand it and make a contrasting section for variety. :D
With that said, it also has positive qualities. It loops well thanks to the way you built the chords at the end. The bass line isn't bad in and of itself, but against the drastically different right hand it feels out of place with the triplets. The biggest issue is here is the rhythm feeling "schizophrenic". Work on that, slow down the tempo, add some length to flesh it out, and this could work nicely.
Sorry if I came across as overly blunt, but that is my opinion on how to improve it. Keep writing music, and continue to improve your skills. :)
PS. I'm curious about what software you use. Did you write this at a piano and then bring it to software, or write it directly on the computer? Being a piano player, I felt as though this was a bit mechanical. Also, do you have much experience with music theory?
My friend you have written a gorgeous review of this piece! In no way too blunt, I look for constructive criticism here, not some candy coated crap.
I agree with almost everything you said. To tell you the entire truth, if you read the response to the review below you will see that I did write the right hand in 4/4 and the left in 3/4 and that is where the strange triplet bass comes from. Also, I wrote this piece in a half an hour and at times I believe Newgrounds may have been too kind to it. It's probably my worst on here, if not my worst written, yet still I thought a more experimental piano piece would be fitting, unfortunately it is no incredible contemporary piece.
I cannot thank you enough for this review. It definitely seems like you have touched on every point and I agree with everything. I would be honored if you could take the time to possibly review another one of my pieces, I have another piano experimental on here and then some more classically written ones if you are interested.
The reason for the mechanical feel is that I wrote the music and then played it into the piano, however my keyboards sounds are not all that great since I bought it for primarily for gigging. I would like to get a midi controller eventually but I do use VST instruments in some of my other work. PM me if you are interested in how you could get your hands on them.
Thanks brother and take it easy! =)
I've come to review your song.
I like what you are doing, and you sound talented, but personally it sounds jumbled with the constant change of tempo. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I did like the other song though.
Thanks man! Yea, you're definitely right with the tempo thing. The tempo stays the same, but I accidentally put this song in 3/4, when it should of been in 4/4, and so I decided to try a new triplet bass. Didn't work out too well. But, eh, whatever.
Thanks again for the review!! =)