Attack of the Killer Cucumber

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This is the first of my songs in the genre of crap-rock (unfortunately it wasn't a category, so it's in "general" instead). On this track I've played guitar and bass as well as doing the vox... the drums are programmed due to the technical difficulty of getting a crisp recording of a live drumkit. This is ironic considering the drums are my instrument of choice. I'm looking to buy a set of electronic drums in the next month or so which will allow me to record "real" drums onto computer without too much trouble.

EDIT 16-6-08: Yeah, well, in the end I bought a bunch of micro-muh-phones instead of going for an electro-kit. I'm pretty stoked although recording a live kit raises it's own challenges and problems. On the flipside... if you wanted some "live drum sounds" on your recording you could always hit me up for a favour. No promises though :P


I'm being stalked by a vegetable
I'm being hunted like an animal
There's a killer cucumber after me
I'm being stalked

I know it don't seem reasonable
Ya know I know it sounds impossible
But there's a killer cucumber after me

He's an ugly sucker cumber with beady eyes
A lumpy rotten head and a psycho smile
I'm being stalked by a vegetable
I'm being stalked

I was walking through the shopping mall
The day was pretty typical
That's when the killer cucumber laughed at me

He chased me through a cinema
I lost him in the parking lot
But then the killer cucumber cornered me

He's an ugly sucker cumber with beady eyes
A lumpy rotten head and a psycho smile
He dribbled as he screamed at me "time to die"
I swear that's when he knocked me out...

I woke up in a swimming pool
My clothes were torn and pitiful
The killer cucumber had tortured me

And now I see him every place I go
I'm being stalked by a vegetable
Yeah now I see him every place I go
I'm being stalked by a vegetable

I'm being stalked.

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Wow, dude, what are you on?

You're the Bob Marley of comedy, dude, are you high when you think of these lyrics? Your songs are all fucking SEXY!


XD, thats brilliant dude! I shat myself laughin! Lyrics are brilliant!

I'm not sure if it's just my headphones or not, but, the guitars sound like they're slightly panned to the left, kind of annoying, but yh. Still funny!

TheBardOfBlasphemy responds:

really? don't know... i should check that out. It's been ages since i checked this out... my first project... as you can see... my skills have advanced a little bit since then (not a whole lot, though).

haha... shat yourself, you say? that's awesome!

hey, thanks a heap for listening to my gear... reckon i owe you a few! you rock :D


in this song, you have got some great lower register. You know, you should try takin a whack at one of my tracks!

I love it.



TheBardOfBlasphemy responds:

Ha, cheers man. Thanks for checking these out.

I downloaded your two latest tracks... not promising anything but I'll have a listen and make an attempt at some vox... if anything good comes out of it you'll hear from me :)


The music is a little repetitive but the lyrics make up for it. Maybe it would sound better if the guitar sounded heavier or the bass were more danceable.
As for your voice... Have you ever considered getting into throat singing? You growl some impressive low notes there.

TheBardOfBlasphemy responds:

Thanks for the feedback... it's refreshing to actually get some constructive criticism on this site! The elements you identified are possible areas for improvement but the mix is as it is... once I'd heard this for the 100th time I'd had enough and so I posted it how it was.

As for the vox... shit man... I got gravel rash on my vocal chords as it was after singing this... I think I need to practise more so they can scab up and get tougher or something coz I was shagged by the end of this one!


this is funny and actually good at the same time. good effort i liked it!

TheBardOfBlasphemy responds:

cheers! i'm glad you liked it.

Credits & Info

4.30 / 5.00

Mar 28, 2008
3:17 AM EDT
General Rock
File Info
2.2 MB
2 min 26 sec

Licensing Terms

Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.