CW: child abuse.

This is the first of a few recordings salvaged from a hard drive that was found lying around in Soundskills, whose most recent files date back to 2018.

For context, my mother passed away in 2008, and I wrote this song on roughly the 10th anniversary of her death, while I was still struggling to come to terms with the abuse she and my dad heaped on me. Some years ago I wrote an instrumental piece called 'Mother,' but this is not a remake of that. This has a completely different melody and feel.

The only reason this is getting released now, rather than back then, is because we lost the hard drive containing this file in Soundskills and couldn't find it for nearly five years. When we did find it, nearly all of this song was intact. Greg rerecorded the guitars, Jason did a proper mixdown, and everything else you hear was untouched from the 2018 version. So the voice you're hearing is a drastically different one, me back in 2018.

I've mostly moved on now, and I'm grateful for that. But back when I wrote the lyrics, they wouldn't stop making me cry. I do feel that she's now finally at rest, having atoned for what she has done, and is watching over me.

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CREDITS

composition, lyrics, keyboard, drums: Troisnyx

guitars: Greg Slater

bass, production: Jason Beardsworth

LYRICS

I

When I was just a child, I ran to the door

while you kept beating me till I could see no more.

That day, what should have been a beautiful meal

was spoilt by all the angry noise and desperate screams:

CHORUS:

I wish that you were there to guide me;

I wish that you were not the storm that stopped me moving;

in every dream and memory I have of you,

I only see your angry eyes.

II

And every day since then has been extremely hard;

I feared those days where you would fly right off the wall,

for simple things like telling you about my dreams;

I risked my life to share with you what I believed:

III

You said that when you left this earth, I wouldn't cry,

but I'm in constant mourning since the day you died;

I've not been crying over you these last few years,

but over all the blows I suffered at your hands:

FINAL CHORUS:

I wish that I could hear your voice once again,

that I could finally hear you say that you are proud of me,

that with a single word, you'd undo the pain

that you have shown me all those years.