2010

This song was originally written about attempting to be more promiscuous.

BELOW STORY IS NSFW

Having finally got over an ex, I was single and ready to mingle finally. I'm not really that good at dates, I would often bulldoze the person with constant jokes, asides and stuff to disguise that I was nervous/lack of personality! Often the complaint was that I didn't put out or I'd make excuses. Noted. So I got myself on Grindr and decided to finally meet a neighbour that had been pestering me for a while.

We met down the road at a café just so there's some middle ground established first, get to know them etc. The guy turned up and, as I began an opening gambit, he turned to me to say that "his English is not good" and that he "didn't understand". Maybe it was my subtle Cornish accent or something, but I found a way around this hurdle and wrote on napkins "yes", "no" and "too complicated" since this guy was totally capable of reading English. And hearing it too, suddenly, because I would ask questions, and he would point to the napkin to answer.

"Do you like being a dancer?" he'd point to yes.

"Were you from a large family?" he'd poInt to too complicated.

"Did you have a mum and dad?" he'd point to yes.

"A brother" he'd point to yes.

And so on. It was agony. I let this go on for a whole 40 minutes whilst I slammed a cup of tea down me as quickly as possible and got the bill. Upon me paying for the bill and leaving, he turns to me outside and says "Do you want to come back to mine?" At this point, yes, YES you've made me bloody work hard until this point so let's bloody get on with it!

We went back to his (which was literally downstairs and next door to where I lived) and immediately it got passionate. Kissing in the hallway. Losing t-shirts going up the stairs. And when I got into his bedroom I unzipped his trousers, pulled both his undies and trousers off and his penis sprung out of his pants like bouncy spring, so I laughed and made a sound effect with my voice "BOIOIOINNNGGG".

He sat up, looked at me and said "If you make that sound one more time I'll kick you out".

So I put one finger on his cock, pulled it downward and then released it, letting it spring back again, and I looked him in the eyes and yelled "BOOOOOIOIOIOIOIINNNGGG".

"GET OUT" he yelled "GET THE HELL OUT" and then said something in Italian, probably calling me all the names under the sun for insulting his penis.

I thought he'd be lighthearted because all we were having was simple sex and absolutely no feelings exchanged because it was clear from the "date" he wasn't really bothered about making a connection on that level (probably evident because he could speak perfectly fluent English but chose not to)! But he was for real. I grabbed my shit, didn't argue, and got out of there and returned to my flat to feel bad for a few minutes before laughing at how stupid I was for sabotaging myself!