Not bad, could've been pushed further.
I have a lot to say here so, crits first - I'll be brutally honest, because I'd expect the same honesty from anyone else.
From the scan, it looks like you didnt clean the background, and the image looks relatively smudged. The hair does not look very dynamic, and I think that is hurting your finished work. The hair surprises me because I thought the hair was pretty well done on the first comission.
The eyes look *very* well done, but at the same time I think you made them too dark because the rest of the work looks unfinished in comparison.
Plus, the hairband and the rose look grainy - the best way I've found to prevent this is to go with a lighter lead, fill in the values, and then go darker from there because otherwise you get grain. If you're using illustration board, its different because that is just the natural look of whatever is drawn on it due to a small tooth on the surface.
Also, I noticed that you used crosshatch on the clothes, and in other areas of the drawing and it looks like you then attempted to make it look smooth, or did something to give it a better look, but it actually looks like you accidentally moved your hand across the shading and smeared it. Or like you had it in a sketchbook for a while, because sketches naturally get smeared in a sketchbook even though the pages are pretty stationary.
I think it could be pushed more, but you did capture some emotion in the girls face, and capturing expression is a huge part of portraiture. I would say you successfully achieved the bigger objective of capturing expression, but the craftsmanship could be better. Start by cleaning up that background of all smudges, and that's gonna bring this work up a notch already.