It really looks like she has a bulge.. I'm not really willing to make an in-depth review of this but everything beside the face is wrong, her proportions are a mess, the shape of her breasts is.. I can't even put it into words.. The background seems flat, it also looks like it's separated from the character, excuse my poor english, but what I mean is, she's not inside the place you've drawed, she just there, and there just happens to have a background behind her. I know it's a recurring thing in visual novels the two elements really don't fit well here.
Writting is also an important thing when it comes to visual novel, you should work on that too, try to get something more singular and original, something with a bit of individuality instead of just applying to your visual novel the stereotypical elements of anything that is animu ever. The shy moe timid kawaii girl makes a character completely unhuman and unlikeable, since it leads to her always reacting in the same predictive way.
I don't want to sound or be harsh, or to demotivate you, because I know how uncouraging receiving a bad critique can be, but you really have a lot of work to do, you have potential, you draw pretty good, but you need to improve, study anatomy, or just take exemple over other things and try to learn something from it by analyzing it.
Play Katawa Shoujo, try to see if it inspire you and helps you developing your character instead of aiming for a stereotypical personnality that is unrelatable and that not many will enjoy. Put some more effort into what you're doing, even if it takes time, because that's how you get better. Try to put more details in it too, makes it enjoyable, put some colors.
Thank you very much for the review. it's a first for me to receive a long response. so really, Thank you.
i know i still have a long way to go and i need a lot of practice, but i won't be discouraged. i already made it through my first month of taking drawing seriously. :)
ah yes, the sister stereotype is my fave, sorry about that, but i will be sure to branch out to other characters in my future drawings. i did play Katawa Shoujo and it was really great. i still remember all the mix emotions i felt playing it.
i'm really reluctant to buy color makers since i'm trying to save up for a drawing tablet so that i can go digitally and do colors. so black and white is the only option for me for now.
You are free to copy, distribute and transmit this work under the following conditions: