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Time for a serious vent...

2020 as you know, has probably been a stressful year for everyone by far. While it’s not as bad as all the horrible things I had to deal with the year before, it did hold back hopes in me finding jobs and such that I originally planned at the start. I did however… took a lot of time to reflect on myself as a person, after some mistakes that had happened…

So it’s probably no secret, but I’m likely self-diagnosed with some form of depression. It’s not frequent, but at the same time not constant. I’ve spent my time in isolation for most of my life, not because I hated people, but because of my social skills. I was never good with conversations and would always find time to be with myself. As I got older, I became empty, as many people in my life either moved on or left my home state. Wether it’d be for college, starting a family, each one had their own goals and motivations in their paths towards become adults. When I eventually graduated high school and tried to join them, I couldn’t keep up with the studies, mainly due to family struggles and serious trauma that happened way back then; not to mention the amount of income needed to pay for the supplies and classes.

After dropping out of the first semester, I thought I could take the time to be more independent with myself, take up freelancing, and do those big art projects I’ve been meaning to work on since I was little; but realized this path is not as easy as I thought. It actually took a lot for me to learn my craft, and actually put in a lot of thought processing into writing stories. Many of those big projects I had to put into development hell, because I wasn’t ready to share my ambitions as I thought I was. Overtime, as my art was starting to get noticed more, the isolation also took a toll on my mental health. I secretly wanted validation and help from people, but never seeked them out… because I was afraid.

I was afraid of becoming one of those people who’d harp on others for attention, or deemed a burden for being somewhat selfish. I just didn’t want to go back to that loneliness again. My social issues affected me so, that it made me have a twisted perception of me possibly never fitting with the “normal” society. I didn’t want any special care or to be treated differently, I just wanted to be like everyone else, a regular human being… I will say that this year, I’ve been taking the time to fix those issues more; It's been a lot better talking with people (even if it’s mostly online), but something that always stuck with me was the problem of seeking/asking help when really needed. There have been so many times where I wanted to throw myself into a wall, for not speaking up about something or not having a clear idea on what I was told to do.

Last year after gaining some new found friends, reacquainted with old ones, as well as getting some time to spend with the ones I love; I know now that I can never truly be alone, as long as they’re still willing to stand beside me. I don’t wanna end up pushing them away from my insecurities, but at the same time wanna fight my own battles. I know I’m not perfect and I’ve probably made mistakes that have probably disappointed some people, and they will essentially stuck with me ’till the grave, but I’m willing to learn from those mistakes in hopes of becoming better.

Sad mushiness aside; here’s to hoping next year will become better, not just to me, but for us all.

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Days spent: 2

Layers used: 10

References used: 0

Program Used: Clip Studio Paint

Art By: Carly.H (me)

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