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The Troll-Lord Lulz

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2.75 / 5.00

May 17, 2015 | 4:51 PM EDT
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Author Comments

"Precisely when and whence came the being whom I must force myself to describe, not even the most studied theologians know. The most broadly accepted suppositions state that its arrival predates the divergence of humanity from the apes by many millennia, and that its ultimate origin must lie in some distant, 'paranatural' existence alien to our own rather than any process of organic evolution we might recognize. Probable as these hypotheses appear, the evidence that would test them remains uncollected...for self-evident reasons.

The facts that are apparent portray a colossal monstrosity, rancid with excrement and flatulence, residing within the planet's crust. Its machinations have bedeviled humanity since who knows how far back in prehistory, and yet its traditional modus operandi has depended on our species's cooperation. Throughout the world, disciples to this entity---typically the social pariahs and dregs of humanity---have supplied it not only with sacrificial sustenance, but with a perverse sort of amusement by committing the most outrageous crimes and blasphemies in its name. In a sense, you could call the creature a god, or demon, of mischief or trickery, to put it in the mildest language.

The abomination has gone by many different epithets from culture to culture, but what might best approximate its true name comes from this (highly condensed and edited, for decency's sake) prayer chanted in its liturgy:

'Rofl'lmao, lol'haha, omfg'wtf, b'tard pol'fg LULZ!'"

---John P. Howard, in his landmark chronicle the Theologicon

(There's something scandalously fun and yet challenging about designing a horrific "elder god" like this.)