Things I liked better on the early sketch where that she's on top of him squashing his head almost (shape design) and the spiraling inner chest circle. For the title entwined you could had make her kinda be threaded like him, so they are actually "entwined" in the same situation, now reads more like control over something. Puppet strings.
Otherwise rad idea what inspired you to do it?

Edit: A damn I can't answer you back ha ha. Alright so I read entwined as in twin not twine ha ha, my bad! You good.