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Oct 13, 2013 | 7:11 AM EDT
  • Weekly Users' Choice October 16, 2013
  • Review Crew Pick October 16, 2013
  • Daily Feature October 14, 2013

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Author Comments

EDIT: thanks for the daily 1st folks. I had to change the song in the ending credits as it turns out it was plagiarized(never a cool discovery).

Duration: 3 minute episode, 1 minute 23 second credit sequence.

Watch in pop up mode.

Dea is still hanging around Keiichi, neither really have any clue about the other and find out bits and peices on the way.

Wont have another episode up until Next year, probably will have a little supplemental episode around December using the chibi style seen in the credits.

Reviews


exoldanexoldan

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars February 28, 2014

yea the first transition was alittle chopy.humors still pretty good..also like the simple parts of the writing like how in the first part "because you can see me" wasent overly explained. jus kinda figured people were smart enough to figure that line out wich is a pretty big trap in writing. also yea the head tilt i love the head tilt...but yea body language and writings pretty god. transitions could use some work .



delceradelcera

Rated 3 / 5 stars October 30, 2013

While I disagree with the tone of Lulz's review, the content of it does have merit. Pilot episodes are normally meant to build the viewer's understanding of the characters and put in place the foundation that the rest of the series is built on. Unfortunately, there was little of that in this. For instance, take the Firefly pilot. It immediately starts off showing two of the primary characters of the series, and covers a major, life-changing event in their history. It then shows the same characters further down the line, and introduces the viewer to the rest of the primary characters. It builds suspense with the mention that somebody on the ship is working for the bad guys, which also serves to introduce the primary antagonistic faction of the series-- the 'Alliance'. The suspense mounts when the captain uncovers the secret of Simon's "luggage", which is then resolved with the appearance of Simon's sister. This is followed by more character-building, which sets up an important theme for the rest of the show-- the Tam siblings' fugitive status. From there the conflict with the Alliance plant is resolved, bringing the resolution the episode needs, but it also leaves the loose end of what the Tams are going to do, why the 'Academy' wants River so bad, and a handful of other character-related issues. Other series' pilots do similar things, and all of them have a common thread: they lay the groundwork for what will come later in the series.

Your pilot, frankly, feels more like a filler episode than a pilot.

I would suggest you go watch just the pilots of some various series you think are good, and take notes on it. Figure out what they did right, what hooked you, and see if you can adapt some of those elements for your own use. I would also suggest that, if you don't already have the whole series at least plotted out, you do so. It will help you figure out if there's anything you'd like to foreshadow, let you spot any discrepancies that tend to crop up, and it will also let you work in any themes you might want to-- or, alternatively, reveal to you any themes in the show you might not have realized were a part of it.

The ending credits sequence, also, feels like it should be part of the actual episode. It's not a good idea to split the viewer's attention between the credits and the characters. If you're going to have somebody do something, you should have them do it during the episode itself rather than try to shoehorn plot points in during the credits. Or, at least, that's what it feels like you did here.

One point I think Lulz didn't stress enough was the voice-acting. Your actors have potential, but right now the dialogue seems very stilted, instead of organic like it should. The impression I got was that your actors were reading off cue-cards or a script instead of delivering practiced lines. Cue cards are great if you're like me and can't memorize everything at once, but you have to give *life* to the words or else people are going to get bored quickly.

I would suggest you record the dialog, wait a day or so, and then play it back to yourselves and discuss it. Figure out where you did things well, where you need to work on it, and how you can make it feel *real*.

Also remember that something ambitious like this can neither be done in a vacuum, nor in an afternoon. Scripting, recording, all of that takes a major investment of time and effort, but it's so incredibly worth it in the end when you get a quality result. It makes everything feel worthwhile.

And now that I've droned on and on about where you could stand to improve, let's talk about what you did well.

I like your art style-- it reminds me of Invader Zim in places, and I'm a big fan of Vasquez's work. It's also nice to see Dea's complete lack of knowledge-- I enjoy seeing you draw a distinction between being omnipresent and omniscient. Your dialogue has a few amusing one-liners as well; a little humor is always good for lightening a mood.

Overall, this strikes me as a solid effort, despite needing some polish. You've got the potential here to make something good, and now you've just got to chip away at it to reveal the diamond in all the rough. For that, you get three stars.


People find this review helpful!

JspriggsJspriggs

Rated 3 / 5 stars May 17, 2014

What the guy said below me. :)



XealosXealos

Rated 3 / 5 stars October 16, 2013

Story/writingwise, I have never seen something so mary sue since Sonichu. Congratulations on hitting that soft spot in virgins' hearts that yearns for a cute, powerful, clueless, animeish girl that just appears in your life with no effort on your part. I'm sure that'll get you plenty unconditional 5/5s.

Animationwise, fairly good. Could use less tweening.


johnathan-wrathborne responds:

Your lack of understanding of what a Mary sue is makes me sad.


AdidaasAdidaas

Rated 3 / 5 stars October 14, 2013

Keiichi has the weirdest photos on display. A photo of someone on their death bed and a photo of him next to a photo of the dead person. And he thinks Dea is weird, huh....


People find this review helpful!