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Jan 2, 2010 | 6:37 AM EST

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It's not that I dislike sloths. Quite the opposite really. If you were going to compare them to, say, a bot-fly, a sloth would win hands down. They're cuddly and they look cute and they're peaceful. But they are useless. The sloth is a creature which sleeps for about eighteen hours a day and when it isn't sleeping, it's eating. It can only move at a maximum speed of...what? Five miles per hour? Probably it's too lazy for even that.

So I don't really hate sloths at all. I just hate the way they are. If you take a look back over history at all the animals that have ever gone extinct, you see a whole load of awesome ones. Velociraptors, mammoths, those Australian wolf things. All of those were pretty cool beasts that didn't deserve their extinctions. I'd even take a dodo over a sloth. Because the sloth is doing nothing to forward evolution. It's a prime example of shitty evolution actually, because it's fucked if somebody comes up behind it with a knife. The velociraptor would just rip that motherfucker's throat out. The mammoth would gut the guy before he could strike. The sloth, on the other hand, just gets stabbed to death.

So why should the sloth even still exist? One of natures largest predators, the tiger, is facing extinction right now. The sloth, who I maintain should have died out long ago, is still pimpin' in the trees, oblivious to the rest of the world. So used to being able to live a hedonistic care-free lifestyle, the sloth has not bothered to develop any sort of defence against would-be-killers.

Should I be more sympathetic? With the levels of deforestation today, the sloth probably will one day get his ass handed to him by a Congolese logger who doesn't care for cuddliness. Sorry Mr Sloth, but he can run faster than five miles per hour and he's got an axe with your name on it. That's upsetting to some. Mostly those PETA types who think animals exist for any reason other than to die for the amusement of humans. But really, should we be held responsible for the sloth's unwillingness to grow some balls? Should we wait around for a million years while the sloth evolves some wings before we cut down the rainforest? No, I don't think so. I'm not letting Ikea go bankrupt over a bunch of lazy sloths.

And worse still, the sloth didn't always used to be this terrible at everything. Back in the day (I'm talking a couple of million years ago here) sloths were big and bad. If you saw a sloth walking towards you, it was time to run. But then the Ice Age came along and the old-school sloths died of hypothermia, their oldest enemy. In their place came forth these fancy new sloths which we still see today. They have not made good replacements. Can you imagine if Megan Fox had replaced Samuel L. Jackson as the main motherfucker in 'Snakes On A Plane'? It would be an awful, awful switch. That's how I feel about the change from Megatherium sloth's to these modern-day cunts. They are the sequel that nobody really wanted.

I know some of you are pro-sloth. I appreciate that view-point, and I wouldn't want to force my own opinions on you. I just want you to consider this: imagine for a second that your family are in a car accident which kills most of them and horrifically paralyses the rest. The accident in question was caused by an inexperienced sloth behind the wheel. You'd be mad at the sloth, I'm sure. But you can't do anything about it because the courts tell you that "it wasn't the sloth's fault because it was in a thirty zone and sloths are only used to travelling at five miles per hour". Or what if a sloth killed a black man and then brutally raped his corpse? If it were you or me, it'd be a hate-crime. But the sloth always seems to get away scot-free. Is that justice?

I'm starting to run out of space to write this, so I want to tell you now how everything I've said relates to this flash movie. This flash is a protest with a message. It stands for everything which is wrong with the sloth community and at essence sums up everything about the average sloth. That is to say, sloths are fucking wankers. Thank you.

Reviews


WikkiXSWikkiXS

Rated 5 / 5 stars January 2, 2010

Brilliant!

Truly brilliant!


Sidorio responds:

WE ARE GODS.


KreivikKreivik

Rated 0.5 / 5 stars January 2, 2010

Pointless, and mis-labeled.

This should have been labeled "Adult Content"... if "Under Judgment" submissions can be.

Given that the flash itself is annoying and crass... I've decided to Blam it. Your essay on the evils of the sloth added a bit of humor... but not enough to redeem the animation itself.

In other words, this is the type of thing I expect to see on a Campus Comedy site, not a Flash/Art/Music portal.


Sidorio responds:

Protip: there are seperate portals for music and art. Also, you can't blam a flash which has passed judgement. Also, don't pretend that this is a sophisticated site. Also, it has M for mature in the top left corner. Also, suck my dick.


LareLare

Rated 4.5 / 5 stars January 2, 2010

Almost perfect...

...except that there's no way a sloth could fap that fast, so -1 star for that. Other than that, it was excellent.


Sidorio responds:

See, this is another reason to hate the common sloth. Ruining my fucking flashes.