“Jules, I did it!”, he bowed his head down as he said it.
“Did what, Jer?”
“I was the one who went to that KKK rally, and threw rocks at that
Negro, while he was being strung up.”
“You bastard!!”, screamed Jules, who promptly slapped Jeremy, before
pushing him to the ground and unleashing a volley of punches on his
face. After Jeremy was knocked unconscious, Jules shouted, “Serves you
right! Didn’t I tell you that racists deserve to go to Hell?! I hate
racists even more than I hate smokers and rapists!!”
Afterwards, Jules sobbed into his hands, while crying out, “Why can’t
I EVER find the right guy?! They’re always total manipulators and liars.”
Then a well-endowed, red-headed woman ran up to Jules, and gave him
a hug.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you sooner, Jules”, she sighed. “His
vandal friends punctured my tires, and I had to borrow my friend’s car
to catch you.”
“I understand, Leslie”, Jules weeped into her shoulder. “He seemed
so right, cus he was such an unselfish lover.”
“Well if it helps”, comforted Leslie, “I’ve been masturbating every
day, hoping for the day I could lose my virginity to a suave gentleman
like you.”
“Leslie!”
“Can’t you see that I love you, Jules?!”
“But I’m gay!”
“Can’t you just “experiment” with a relationship with me?”
“But I thought you loved your career more”, countered Jules.
“In this modern, 9-5 world, a girl like me just can’t be satisfied
with the twelve years I spent, trying to be a lawyer! I need a man,
because I’m so insecure and dense that I try to let society dictate
my role for me as a woman.” Then she flashed a plastic smile at him,
causing an unexpected erection, which forced him to cover his privates
with his hand.
“You know”, reflected Jules, “I’ve been gay my whole life. But maybe
I was just straight, but I could never find the right woman. I mean,
I’ve never had any woman arouse me before you. I guess now I’m “free”
of asshole men, now that I found a nice woman’s asshole.”
“Oh you tease!”, Leslie chuckled.
“Bend over baby, cus I’m about to pop my heterosexual cherry!” Then
they French-kissed and rubbed against each other as the background around
them darkened.
THE END (wink wink)
* * * * *
The director and studio executive just finished watching the film.
“Now how exactly is this gonna make money?”, inquired the executive.
“Because of the demographics it’ll attract”, replied the director.
“We’ll get a black audience, because there’s a black actor in it, even
though he gets killed. Then we’ll get white people who feel obligated
to see it, because it gives out important social messages about racism.
We’ll get homophobes who want to live out their stereotypical fantasies
of homosexuals being “evil”, while paying lip service to gays by giving
the message that it’s ok to “experiment.” Then we’ll get the usual perverts
who are hoping to see an actress dress and sound slutty. Finally, because
the actress plays a woman who’s successful in achieving her career,
we’ll win over independent women who are struggling in the male-dominated
workforce. We can’t lose!!”
The exec groaned, slowly massaging his temples. “Listen, pal”, he
said, “At first I was pleased to be distributing any movie you would
be making, because you’re famous for making cgi masterpieces that rake
in the billions. And I didn’t even cringe when you said you were trying
to change the direction of your movies, so that it tries to win over
a more mature audience. But if you honestly think that I’m gonna put
up with this B-movie you call “art”, you have another thing coming!
Hell, even B-movies aren’t as full of shit as what you’re trying to
force my studio to sell to the movie-going public. If this bombs, I
will personally make sure all the studios blacklist you, so that our
fucking consumer culture can breathe a sigh of relief from your drug-addled
mindset!!!”
“It can’t bomb!”, replied the director. “Just read this critic’s review!”
The exec pored over the article, which said:
“I’ve only been rating movies for 20 years, which means I’m more articulate
and cultured than the rest of the masses who pay 8 bucks to see what
some corporate shills will let me see for free! So I would have to say
that “Exploit-o-rama” is definitely a relief from the director’s other
films peppered with more computer- generated creatures than plot. And
although the actors themselves lack any believability, it’s amazing
how much confidence they have in approaching their three dimensional
roles. Overall, the film was very touching, as I’ve known people who
suffered the injustices in question, and the director’s maturity in
approaching these topics surprised me. All in all, a very excellent
film.”
* * * * *
A few weeks later, the executive burst into the director’s office,
furious. “Read this”, he shouted at the director, throwing him a copy
of the entertainment newspaper, while fuming. “The fucking movie’s only
been raking half of what it cost to produce it! We were already doing
badly in sales, and you were our only hope! Now what do you have to
say?”
The director patted the exec on the shoulder, and said, “Relax pal.
We’ll win back the audience when we get an Academy Award for it! Everyone
pays for a movie that gets those awards!”
“And how the fuck do you expect to win ‘Best Film’?!”, screamed the
exec.
“Easy”, replied the director calmly. “Those fools love movies about
social issues, even if the actor is mediocre at best! It shows that
someone in the industry “cares” about what’s “relevant” to society,
and isn’t just there to make a few bucks. Humility pays big, man!”
“Ok, I’ll believe you for now. But it’s your ass, if it doesn’t win!”
* * * * *
“The movies nominated for Best Film are,” said the announcer. “Exploit-o-rama”,
“Helga: Portrait of Hitler’s Jewish Mistress”, and “The Untold Story
of Actresses Who Actually Have Talent!” “And the winner is... “HELGA:
Portrait of Hitler’s Jewish Mistress!!”
Then the director for Helga came up to the podium to accept his award.
“I’d like to thank my family, God, the 6 million who died so I could
be here, even though my family was lucky enough not to have been in
Germany at the time, which makes me as distant in understanding the
suffering they underwent, as I am from movies that are actually non-conventional
and non-preachy. You know, making a movie that attracts crowds who think
that white Europeans are the only people who have suffered from hate
crimes really makes me proud. I just hope that we can all learn that
genocide is bad, only as long as it doesn’t generate any money and acclaim
for me.” With that, the crowd applauded.
“You sonavabitch”, screamed the director of “Exploit-o-rama”. I tackled
ALL the problems in society, and I still lost?! That does it!!” Suddenly, he
pulled out a .38 and shot the director, the exec, and then himself.
* * * * *
“Three people were killed at an awards ceremony tonight, when a
disgruntled director didn’t manage to win. But luckily, the footage has been
captured on film, and will be added to the DVD version of “Exploit-o-rama”,
for hardcore fans who couldn’t resist making “Exploit-o-rama” the breakout
independent blockbuster it is today. Now on to other entertainment news....”
THE END
Posted November 12, 1999 by Tequila
