Well I couldn't come up with any neat twists on an old fashioned fairy tale because I'm an uncreative douche, so I just decided to make up my own story.
---Once upon a time the most pathetic excuse for parents gave birth to the most pathetic excuse for a human being. He was ugly, stupid, and lacked basic social skills. This boy was named Durf, as his parents felt that a pathetic child deserved a pathetic name.
One day Durf packed what little he had and set out into the world to better himself.
He happened upon a farmer who was selling a concoction that could 'turn even the ugliest man into a charming prince'.
"I would like to purchase your concoction sir!'
"Very well, that will be 50 pence"
"Sir, I only have 43 pence, take pity on me sir!"
"Nonsense, if you want you may work in my pig sty, cleaning up after my pigs. I shall pay you a pence a day."
Durf accepted his proposition, and spent 14 hours a day over the next week cleaning up fecal matter.
"Well Durf, I didn't think you would finish the job, but you have impressed me, would you like to exchange your 50 pence now?"
"Yes, sir!"
"Here you go, drink up!"
Durf drank the potion as quickly as he could.
"How long does it take to work?"
"Well, it may take a few years, possibly a lifetime, you can never tell with these things!"
Durf was furious. He wanted to kill the man, but he had no weapons, the man was 5 times his size, and Durf was too sore and weak from working in the fields. So instead he just continued on his way.
Durf was walking through a town when he happened to see a school. He walked inside, approached the teacher, and pleaded:
"Please, I have never had a chance to educate myself, will you let me stay in your class and learn the ways of the world!"
"He stinks!' shouted one of the students.
"He's the ugliest boy I've seen!" shouted another.
The teacher banged on the desk and demanded the children to quiet their voices.
"You may not learn anything here! This is a school for royalty! You are not of royal blood, for those of royal blood would never allow themselves to become so haggard and dirty! Get out of my classroom!"
Durf left the town in shame. He was sick of people, and decided to live out the rest of his days in the forest.
As he leaned against a rock to rest his weary legs, a small rabbit approached him. It crawled onto his lap and slowly fell to sleep.
A smile came to Durf's face.
"Yes, this is where happiness lies, not in knowledge or looks or other people, but in the warmth of the forest!"
Before Durf could even finish his thoughts a hawk swooped down and snatched the rabbit away from Durf.
Durf leapt to his feet and began to chase after the hawk. But looking up while running forward did not fare well for Durf. He tumbled 13 feet into an abandoned well. His weary legs were now broken, as was his spirit.
He sat in the cold dark well for the last of his days.---
